Life Lately / Biggest Regret

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Just recently, I had to go through another forked road in my life and it has to be THE MOST challenging yet to date.

You see, I was offered an opportunity that was extremely difficult to turn down. It was my dream job; and I have been praying for it for the longest time now, but I let it slip off my hands.

How come?

Well, I had to take into consideration a lot of things and by that, I mean my parents’ opinion. I know they mean well for me, but let’s just say that my decisions in life are still somehow 80% influenced by them.

When I got through it, my friends helped me realize that there is no one to blame for the decision except for me and me alone. I am 29 freaking years old and I am way beyond the period when parents make all the decisions for their kids, but I let them, solely because I respect and love them and I am afraid of the karma that comes with going against your parents.

Adulting sucks and life is unfair a lot of times, but reality is, PASSION isn’t everything. (not if you’re not filthy rich!) That’s the way I see it now and I learned that the hard way.

Although some friends wanted me to pursue it without any second thoughts (It’s not like I am the breadwinner nor do I ask money from my parents), I needed to think about security. I needed to understand that I am turning 30 and I HAVE to comply with what society dictates and that is being PRACTICAL. I needed to think about my imaginary husband and kids. I needed to think about what other people would think about me and my achievements in life. I needed to stop having that YOLO mindset that parents associate so much with millennials.

On the other hand, my heart tells me otherwise. I am turning 30 and I have waited long enough for an opportunity like this. I may never get another one as beautiful as this. I may not live long enough for a chance to finally do what I love doing. Life is short and uncertain. The job pays good, it should keep me afloat. It’s not like I’m rebelling against them by doing something irresponsible. IT IS A JOB AFTER ALL,  a job that offers continuous learning of the craft, connections in the industry, not to mention, PEACE OF MIND, which I don’t think anyone will just offer for free. At my age, I should’ve grabbed the opportunity, but sadly, I needed to be practical.

My friends slapped me with the big ass reality check in my face and told me that letting this chance go has its consequences and I have to face them like a real fucking adult:

  1. I cannot blame anyone for the decision but myself. It was all on me.
  2. I have to accept that this opportunity may never come again.
  3. I cannot bring it up with my parents ever again because they are gonna react the same way, and so would I. (Unless I finally get the guts to fight for what I want) -Hi Jan!
  4. It’s not solely about following my passion, but in taking a stand for myself, making those difficult decisions and swallowing the consequences because that is life! – Hi Joey!
  5. REGRETS. This has been my biggest so far.

Then again, it cannot all be bad.

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Right before I sent my letter to the company owner declining the offer, another idea came up which my brother and I have been originally planning for since the beginning of the year. So I went back to that path and now, all I want is to be able to get to that goal in the next year and a half, max!

It’s all I could think about now, because who knows, that may even pave the way for me to finally do what I have been dreaming of.

Maybe I let this chance slip off because there is something much better ahead, or I needed to learn something more before I get a chance to take the wheel.

Been reading my favorite book in the Bible, Ecclesiastes (ever since my world came tumbling down and cried my heart out over the weekend) and I love that it is so realistic, that it sounded dark and negative, but you still couldn’t take out the fact that it still beams with positivity. After all, it is a book in the Bible.

So anyhow, whatever path we opt to take in this life, it all boils down to my favorite quote from a religious book I got last year, “God’s primary will for your life is not the circumstances you inhabit; it’s the person you become.” (You can read more of this on my past entry HERE).

At the end of the day, we won’t be able to take our plaques of achievements, our positions in our respective companies and our money to the afterlife. All we have are what we did to be worthy of a beautiful life in eternity with HIM.

Also, people (including me) tend to focus so much on going after dreams and in getting that promotion or increase or that next travel destination that we forget that we can lose this life we’ve been busy building up with trophies in a snap of a finger! We are such mundane creatures. We almost always think about worldly matters that we forget about the life that comes after this one.

Boy, I am proud of the selfless things I’ve done for others, but heck, there’s A TON of things I still need to fix in myself (one of which is boasting about what I do for others LELZ) and that’s what I want to do before I die. If I do that, then I deem myself successful should I die unexpectedly. That for now is my definition of success.

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Life Lately / 11

I wasn’t going to say something until maybe after the training is over and done with. It’s not like I’m scared of jinxing anything now, because, you know, I’m YOLO-ing all over again plus, I’m surrendering it all to the Big Guy up there, but I guess I just really can’t find the time at the moment to actually lay it all out and spill the deets on this great, big turn my life has taken.

So I’m back in college or at least it feels like it, except that this time, we’re taking a crash course on what some of us have studied for a semester or two all in just about 2 weeks or so. For the past weeks, my co-trainees and I have been getting about 3-4 hours of sleep on a daily basis to pull off the pre-tests, post tests, learning checks and discussions also on a daily basis. I thought I was done with this stuff when I graduated 5 years ago, but I guess that was just a pretty dream that I now have to put behind me.

So that pretty sums up the last 2 weeks, not to mention the added physical training aka walking in heels with a big bag of weights in tow everywhere we go, which is actually a mental training in disguise (coz’ it’s all in the mind and when there’s no pain, none will be gained, ain’t that right?).

Had I known I was in for a treat like this, I would have taken off to outer space or as far as I could in seconds! Juuuuust kidding! So there, so far, I failed 1 exam which bums me out big time because I know for a fact that I have written enough info on those essays (YES, YOU READ IT RIGHT, ESSAYS) to get me at least a passing rate, but I didn’t. Plus, I was trying hard to keep my grades up, now that 75 is just going to pull down my first 2 90+ test grades. That sucks and to think that I’ve never been this grade conscious in my life!

I knew though that this wasn’t going to be easy so I had to reevaluate my self, my life and my faith in order to get going. I know that there would always be tough days, days when all I could do is cry and pray hopelessly and times when I could just do this all day long:

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But I also know and believe that there’d be days when I could genuinely feel as if I’m not constipated and heavy at all! LOL! I’ll be light as a feather and I could leap into the heavens, saying I survived!

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Until then, I’m going to have to take studying even more seriously. Gone are the days when I could just slack off, add more weight to my belly and watch movies and blog all day.

Though I have to say, I missed writing a lot. I missed this! I still have a long way to go on my Trip Down Memory Lane series, but hopefully, I could squeeze in time to complete that by midyear.

That’s it for now! I’ll leave you be!

P.S. I made a little somethin’ somethin’! It’s one of my stress busters! Thank God for Art and Photography!

 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BQGeJojj58_/?taken-by=marsymallows

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One step at a time

So first things, first! I would like to give myself a pat on the back for……………ten-nen-ten-nen……………..RESIGNING! WOOOT! WOOOT! Obviously, I still haven’t allowed myself to let that piece of milestone in my life sink in yet! Seriously! 8 days after I passed the big letter (without any hesitations and with a BIG, CHUNKY SMILE ON MY FACE!), I still cannot believe that I did it! If you ask me, am I really happy with my decision?

It took me one long year and a great deal of courage and long, sleepless nights with accompanied crying fits at times to make this decision. So YES, if you’re asking me if I thought of this well enough. I apparently and wholeheartedly did think thoroughly of this well enough!

Looking back, I never thought I haven’t written anything in ages, to think that I went through a LOT all throughout those 7 months I was in hiding (criminal lang ang peg?). It could really take so much of  your time, LIFE, right? In all my years of blog-hopping, I’ve had some fair share of disappointments after learning that a certain blogger I persistently follow suddenly deactivates his/her account or fails to update regularly due to lack of time. It would take them months before I could get another update from them that I would just be digesting for a couple of minutes. Then I’d have to wait patiently and agonizingly for another one. Pathetic, isn’t it? But now that my work has become my life for the past year, I realized that it really does eat so much of your time!!! I am not a celebrity but it kind of works the same way. You keep a blog, you rant for a couple of weeks or months, then you get so busy, you suddenly don’t give a crap out of writing for the next several months, then out of the blue, you just realize, “hey, I haven’t written in a long time, maybe I need to update my followers (if i still do)”.

But, as ironic as it sounds, I think I kind of like the idea that I got too engrossed in my job. In a way, it makes me feel proud to have a life (just not the life I still want to have right now). Thus the resignation! OHHH YEAAAHHH! 🙂

I apologize if i sound a bit too much in-your-face-ish. It really just feels like I’m starting to discover who I   truly am. For a 23 year old, I know it may seem late to be called a late bloomer, but if it makes you feel complete and fulfilled then I guess there isn’t a definite age limit for this euphemism right?

I know, I know, I’ve been blabbing about how when I was in high school/college, I discovered my love for photography, digital art etc but i never had a chance to pursue this passion blah blah. You already know that (well you can refer back to my previous posts for all the emotional blah blahs I had in years if you have no idea what I am talking about here), but what i didn’t know I have is the guts to actually step up and make a decision so risky, I wouldn’t earn a certificate of employment from my current job. Yes, you read that right. I won’t dwell on it anymore because it would just disappoint me all over again.

Now, if you ask me, do I have any regrets? Of course I do! It’s not like this decision has been easy for me, especially that it has put a bit of an unbridgeable gap between my mother and I. If I put everything on a list, my regrets would have to be (listed from least to most heartbreaking):

  • I won’t get a certificate of employment – I regret not being able to prove that I worked hard for almost 1 1/2 years even though it is my right to have one.
  • I won’t be able to pierce through someone’s skin or vein anymore – yes, it’s true. The very thing I hated back when I was just starting would also be the thing that I would miss doing the most! (But i could always participate in medical missions if i want to, right?)
  • I won’t get to be with some of the best co-workers in the world – That is true again. I know there are people I won’t regret not seeing anymore and I know I never thought I’d have friends there, but it’s one of the things I thank God the most every day.
  • I won’t be called a nurse ever again – I would miss my family, friends and even boyfriend and their friends calling me and being proud of me being a nurse! This is the second on my list and definitely one of the things I think about almost everyday because being a nurse entails so much responsibilities and rewards as well.
  • It became the reason why my mother and I are not in good terms as of this moment – and it has been going on for some time now.

But I don’t want to have to dwell on those anymore. I’m pretty sure my mother would be happy for me too (like my father) sometime in the future. It’s not like she’s gonna ignore me forever right? Plus, I know that I would always be a nurse as long as I want to and I can practice venoclyzing anyone’s veins if I want to (as long as i renew my certificate and license) and I know that deep inside, the people who truly care for me would just be as happy as I am right now.

Before I end this entry, I would like to thank God for keeping me guided in all my thoughts and decisions. If it is not You who helped lead me into thinking that this is the right path for me, then I guess I’m headed for a big flop. Just go flush me down the drain now, will You? But I’m really hoping that this is what You also planned out for me. I know that in my heart, this is what I’m meant to do. And to my papa, the subject of my inspirational entries from time to time, I thank you for being the most creative and supportive father in the world. I know we’ve talked about this months ago and just recently, but you never closed any doors for me. You were always the one to tell us (my siblings and I) to always ask help from God. You were the soft-spoken parent that’s why though you have so much to say, good or bad, I took everything in without reservation. You listened that’s why you understood where I’m coming from. You gave me another chance because you’d want me to learn by myself and see the world through my own eyes and not yours. Most of all, you inspired me to be creative just like you. I may never be as good as you but you taught us well and you inspired us through your own works of art. I want to make you proud someday, you and mama! Thanks papa for all your photography lectures you handed down to me. Thanks for believing and trusting in me and thanks for this chance to help me find myself. Sabi mo nga, dugong artist ako diba? That short phrase means so much to me!

Going back to that one question above, Am i really happy with my decision? Well I think by now, you have figured it out. All I can say is that I’m not only happy that I am finally fulfilling a long time dream but also because even though I have so much at risk and regrets, but when I die and look back, I know I lived my life thinking that we all only live once! Happiness is a choice and this is what I choose to become. 🙂

YOLO! Carpe Diem!

P.S. I just read my entry last October 4, 2012 and I had the exact same entry introduction and topic! ONE YEAR AGO! Coincidence? Serendipity? Is this meant to happen? Gives me goosebumps!