Time for Solitude

One thing I realized as I started working away from home is that I actually liked and appreciated being A-L-O-N-E.

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You know when you watch these coming of age movies and see this independent protagonist, who btw, also happens to be an outcast loser weave his way through the cafeteria only to be judged and mocked by all these other kids who are so full of themselves, and you think, “why wasn’t I as brave as this kid when I was in elementary (or HS even)?” Some would ask, “Why am I not still brave enough now that I’m freakin’ turning 100?”. Wehhh OA!

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I wasn’t an outcast loser back when I used to wear my checkered uniform, but I also wasn’t the popular kid, and I have to say, back then, I dreaded being alone.

I couldn’t go down to our school canteen without anyone to accompany me. I feared not having anyone to talk to on the way to our school gymnasium for first Friday masses with the entire school. Heck, I even feared going to the restroom alone, but for way scarier reasons, if you know what I mean! 😛

Like most people, I grew up caring so much about what others thought about me. I guess, it’s part of growing up. You have to look good, smell nice. You have to do well in class. You have to have Jansport backpacks. CHOS! And most importantly, you can’t be seen alone, because people will feel sorry for you. WRONG!!!!

I used to hate being alone, but no so much anymore.

When I broke up with my ex, it felt weird to be shopping alone or eating alone, but it wouldn’t take long before I got used to the feeling. I started feeling comfortable doing things on my own. I carried my gigantic bags. I sit in coffee shops alone. I go to church alone (although my eyes still well up at the sight of families holding hands and kissing in church). I even go on roadtrips alone!

I started enjoying the feeling of being able to go wherever because you don’t have to consider what your companion has in mind. All decisions are up to you. It doesn’t matter if you change your mind faster than you blink your eyes, you have no one else to blame but yourself, and it’s okay!

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I like being alone on most days. In fact, I enjoy being alone. It’s a breath of fresh air. It makes you think out loud, yet it also silences the mind. You get to clear your head, talk to God, be mindful of the beautiful things that you have taken for granted.

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You also get to be grateful for the chance to have time all to yourself. It’s time that can never be lived again. It’s time that you will crave for on chaotic days. It’s your escape on negativity. It’s your time to rest and set everything aside. It’s your time to spread your wings on top of a hill while feeling the breeze through your hair without caring what other people also on the same hill think about you. 😛 Life doesn’t get any better than that, so cherish every moment that you’re alone. It’s a blessing in disguise.

Time alone also made me realize all thaaaaat! O diba? May kagandahan sa pag-e-emote! 😛

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With all these goodness spilling over from having that well-needed solitude, I am slowly learning to stop caring about what other people think of me. I can never have control over that. I try to focus instead on what God thinks of me, which is waaay more important than what anyone else thinks of me.

Plus, I also got to take lots of photos in my me-time!

 

xoxo,

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Wine Wednesday 🍷

 

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Yesterday, I was feeling a lot bluer than usual but God is so good, He sends angels just when we need them the most.

I was blabbering incessantly to my friends, Jan and Nikki on Messenger all morning because I honestly felt like both my brain and heart are going to explode about the same old shit-uation I keep pulling myself back into.

I just happen to be so blessed with friends who have the wisest advice and the patience of this guy

to which I am most thankful for. They talk me back to sanity when I think I’m gonna lose it.

Remember the saying “Friends are angels in disguise“? This is definitely just one of the moments when I truly felt it manifest. Most of the time, I find it hard to listen to God’s answers to my prayers, so I’d like to believe that this is one way of Him getting through to me, by way of my friends’ kind and ever understanding hearts.

In the middle of our conversation, Jan suddenly thought of of dropping by our house, being almost free from corporate slavery herself. So she did and I was very happy that I got to talk to her over late lunch, wine and dinner.

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I like how sometimes, we both want just to hang out and have real, good, private conversations where we can just lie down and actually hear ourselves rather than fighting ourselves through crowded malls or places of some sort.

I barely go out with my friends anymore, so I’m glad that despite such hiatus, I’m still able to talk to them as if we’ve never parted. We never really hung out as often as we used to after graduating high school yet just like everyone else, our friendship remained the same. We still get to talk about the littlest and silliest things in between mounds of our adult problems.

Perfect example was just last night when we tried to name our grade school and high school teachers as well as some of the mild controversies they were associated with that we now find funny. We remembered some teachers and batch mates that have gone ahead. We even got emotional and teary-eyed over one of Karel Marquez and now hubby’s very smart pre-nup videos (thanks to Jan for letting me watch it!).

Late into the afternoon, we decided to finish a previously popped open wine. Let’s just say that we didn’t exactly have the fanciest experience, but the wine still worked its magic just fine to make us all woozy and giggly.

Here’s Jan seemingly back to junior year, Chemistry class. Apparently, we had to filter out the disintegrating cork out of our drinks and voila! Nothing a strainer and kitchen towel can’t fix!

And yes, we also had to improvise a wine ice bucket to cool the thing. 😛

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But all’s well that ends well…

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Nothing like a good laugh and real conversation with one of my oldest friends on a rainy, Wednesday night. My kind of chill.

Of course, we had to cap the night off talking to a rude and short-tempered Uber driver, but just the same, it turned out to be a perfectly good night, that should hopefully last me til I see them again.

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30 Day Writing Challenge: DAY 8

Share something you struggle with

I see people reaching the peak of their lives at such a young age, while I find myself struggling to find the path to where I’m supposed to be.

I’m currently watching Project Runway: Threads, which is very timely and also like a very big jab to the gut seeing contestants as young as 10 sewing and creating their own clothes! I can barely stitch a straight line using a sewing machine! These kids are geniuses!

What I’m saying is, how did these kids realize what they’re supposed to do in life at that age when an adult like me is having a hard time figuring out my purpose in life? At 25, I’m supposed to have savings, a car or a house, or my whole life planned out. Well, to be fair, I’ve made plans my whole life, but that’s it, nothing seemed to have fallen into place, yet.

As I grow older, I become even more scared that it’s also getting too late for me to be still on the stage of figuring out a life that I’m supposed to have. I’m scared that the world has no more room for another human being with dreams of becoming another photographer or writer or an artist. I’m also scared that all these fears would soon eat and swallow me whole into an abyss where I couldn’t get out of. I’m just going to drown in misery and regret with no future and nothing to hold on to. I’m scared that I’m just existing, and not really living.

I’m struggling with all these fears in mind, but there are still times when I see a light at the end of this darkness, finding hope and positivity just when I need them the most.

I definitely have these guys to blame! Oh, what a messed up crew I have up there!

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Kidding aside, I’m still wishing, dreaming and hoping that a few years from now, I’m gonna be reading this exact entry and think, “I’ve definitely come a long way since that unfortunate day!” 🙂