Why?

Why do some people feel the need to be all foam and no beer,

all icing, no cake?

all lime and salt, no tequila?

all sizzle, no steak?

Why can’t people be a little more humble and a little less douchey?

Why do people have to exaggerate to the point of no return?

Why can’t some fight to urge to be overly proud and conceited?

2 words. Superiority Complex.

Sometimes, I feel that some people tend to mask their inferiority with such high regard of themselves.

2 am thoughts. This is what it is.

I really do wish that those who are so full of themselves remember that,

16 “So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.” – Matthew 20:16

26 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” – Matthew 20:26-28

and

“and he who invited you both will come and say to you, ‘Give your place to this man,’ and then in disgrace you proceed to occupy the last place. “But when you are invited, go and recline at the last place, so that when the one who has invited you comes, he may say to you, ‘Friend, move up higher’; then you will have honor in the sight of all who are at the table with you. “For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” – Luke 14:9-11

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Sensitib

Sobrang bihira ko nang gamitin ang Facebook account ko. Maliban sa pagpo-post ng mga kuha ng adventures namin ng pamilya ko para rin may kopya sila at sa minsanang pagch-check ko ng mga grupo ng mga business owners na inaantabayanan ko, hindi na ako masyadong aktibo dito.

Di gaya nung nasa kolehiyo pa ako o hayskul (nung Friendster pa ang uso) na lahat ng kaibigan ko binubulabog ko ng komento o na nagpopost ako ng mga pasaring na linya na kunyari tungkol sa homework pero lovelife naman pala ang tinutumbok. Ika nga ngayon, hugot lines. Natatawa na lang ako kapag naiisip kong dumaan rin pala ako sa ganung phase.

Sobrang laki na ng pinagbago ng social media community sa panahon ngayon kung ikukumpara noon. Yehesss ang tanda ko na pala para maikumpara yung panahon na wala pang SNS (kung tutuusin naabutan ko rin ata yung panahon na wala pa yung SMS haha) sa panahon ngayon. Napakapangyarihan na nito ngayon.

May gawin ka lang mali at natyempuhang may telepono ang nakabanggaan mo, panigurado, kukuyugin ka na ng sambayanan online. Para bang yung slut-shaming nung panahon ni Hesus na minsang bumiktima kay Maria Magdalena, babatuhin ka ng bato hanggang mamatay ka. Medyo mild lang tong atin ngayon pero ganon pa rin epekto, kahihiyan at kawalang-puri. Nakokondena ka ng di oras.

Siguro sa mga abusadong tao na makapal pa sa kalyo ng kalabaw ang mukha o sa mga pagkakataong wala nang ibang paraan para maisuplong yung nang-aapi, makatarungan siya, pero kung yung mga one time, bigtime HONEST MISTAKES na walang intensyong makapanakit at tumapak sa pagkatao ng kapwa, makatarungan pa rin bang masasabi ang online shaming? Napakahirap ngang magkamali online sa panahon ngayon. Kahit saan, may mapaghusgang mga matang nakabantay sa konting pagkakamali mo. Kaya hindi rin maiiwasan na madalas nagiging mapagpanggap na ang mga tao, ingat na ingat sa bawat kilos at salita para hindi mahusgahan at mapagkaisahan. Pero minsan kahit anong gawin mo, meron at merong masasabing panget ang tao.

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Madalas na rin tayong makarinig ng mga taong sumuko na at pinagbubura na lang yung accounts nila dahil na rin sa taglay ng SNS na “superpower” na sirain ang isang tao. Kahit nga mga artista sa Hollywood, hindi umuubra dahil konting kibot lang nila, ang daming nasasabi ng mga fans nila na may kapangyarihang magbagong-anyo dahil bashers pala talaga, pero madalas ngayon, mas madami pa yung negatibo kesa sa magagandang komentong makikita mo.

Naalala ko yung isang panayam kay Sarah Jessica Parker kamakailan lang, nung sinabi niyang matagal na siyang tumigil sa Twitter kasi hindi daw niya makayanan yung mga pananalitang gamit ng mga kababaihan laban sa kapwa nila babae.

Ang problema kasi sa kasalukuyang panahon, kahit sa mga henerasyon ng mga magulang ko, nakikita ko yung kagustuhan na laging magpasiklab pero ang mali yung pakiramdam na hindi sila pwedeng mahigitan ng iba. Naiintindihan ko naman yung gustong ipakita sa mundo yung mga tagumpay nila sa karera o mga lugar na napuntahan kasi normal lang yun. Pero yung magpapayabangan pa sa mga komento, paninirang puri o paghahanap mo ng kamalian sa tao, dala siguro ng inggit o ng mga pinagdadaanan sa buhay o mga pansariling isyu yung nagiging problema.

Natawa na lang kami ng pinsan ko nung minsang makita namin yung dalawang mas nakatatanda sa amin na parang teens lang kung magpasiklaban sa Facebook. Ganon na ba talaga ang mundo ngayon?

Sa sobrang “advanced” kasi ng teknolohiya ngayon, napakabilis mo nang masabi yung gusto mo kahit pa nasaang bundok ng tralala ka naroroon o kahit nagbabawas ka pa sa banyo. Minsan rin hindi na napag-iisipan ng tao yung sinasabi nila, basta mauna lang sila mag-like o magkomento masaya na sila.

Pero meron rin namang mga hindi mo mawari kung paanong paraan pinag-isipan yung sasabihin. Yung tipong singsakit ng kagat ng langgam na ang sakit na nga ng pagkakakagat, pero parang may “stinger” pang natira sa balat mo kaya ang tagal mawala. Maliit lang yung kagat pero di mawala-wala. Sa madaling sabi, simple lang yung pananalita pero sobrang parang medyo may pagka-matalas.

Kahapon nasupalpal ako ng di oras ng isang dating malapit na kaibigan nung nag-post ako ng kontrobersyal (chos!) na bidyo na di ko napansing may mali pala. Honest mistake nga kung tutuusin. Pero habang iniisip ko ngayon buti na lang rin naagapan kung hindi, laman na rin siguro ako ng balita ngayon. Blessing in disguise na rin siguro? Minsan yung pagka-praning ko abot hanggang langit pero malay natin diba? Ang balita ngayon kakaiba na ang pakpak.

At naagapan yun dahil sa komento nitong dating ka-close na kaibigan. Kung hindi ko na palalakihin pa, pwedeng concerned lang talaga si friend sa akin, pero kung magaling ka kumilatis ng pananalita, a.k.a. praning, tulad ko at ng kabarkada kong si JC (yehes parang fashion pulis lang ang peg) na minsan nahahawaan ko ng ka-praningan ko, maiisip mo talagang may laman yung mga salita nya. Di ko alam kung wala lang siyang paki sa masasaktan nya basta maipamukha lang nyang magaling sya o tulad ng sabi ng kaibigan ko na baka may isyu sa sarili ngayon o baka nagiging “territorial” si ateng. Hindi ko lang nagustuhan yung paraan ng pag-atake niya kasi kulang na lang bigyan nya ako ng ticket. Ang dami lang niyang sinabi samantalang matagal ko na rin naman siyang hindi nararamdaman online. Tagal na naming di nag-uusap tapos bigla bigla may pag-atakeng nagaganap?

Mali ako, pero hindi naman siguro kailangan tapakan at ikuskos yung mukha ko sa lupa. Chill ka lang friend! On her defense, may pagka-prangka at maloko siyang tao pero siguro mas na-appreciate ko yung concern kung sinabi na lang niya sa pribadong paraan or siguro kung hindi ganon ka-harsh at yabang nung dating niya. Napakababa lalo ng tingin ko sa sarili ko ngayon at sobrang dinamdam ko siya buong araw kahapon.

**Kung mabasa mo man to, hindi to kung anumang personal na pag-atake sayo  (kasi alam ko paano pakiramdam non), opinyon ko lang to sa nagawa mo at therapeutic lang talaga sa akin ang pagsulat sa blog na to bukod sa pagkausap sa mga taong malapit sakin.

Pero syempre ikaw lang nakakaalam ng motibo mo para pagsabihan ako ng ganon sa harap ng pamilya at iba ko pang mga kaibigan na maaaring nakabasa ng sinabi mo. Masaya ka ba na ang know-it-all ng dating mo o nagpakamataas ka sa page ko? Nasa tama ka, may point ka, gets ko yun. Natauhan ako at salamat ng marami sa pagpapaalala pero sana next time, ayusin rin tono ng pananalita at tanggalin ang ere. Kahit kailan hindi ko ma-tolerate yung mga taong may angking hangin at sa pagkakakilala ko sayo, alam kong ayaw mo rin ng mga taong ganon. Gusto ko man ikaw kausapin, hindi na rin tayo malapit para sa ganung klase ng komprontasyon at sabi nga nila maliit na bagay lang to pero bilang blog ko to, pinalaki ko pa rin pala. Chos!

Siguro ganito lang yun, kung ilalagay mo ba sarili mo sa posisyon ko, at nagkomento ako ng ganon, tingin mo ba mas ma-t-touch ka sa concern ko o mapapahiya ka lang rin sa sinabi ko? Concerned ka ba talaga o isa ka lang sa mga gusto magpasikat? Ikinataas mo ba yun?

Siguro paalala rin na na maghinay-hinay sa pananalita kasi hindi natin alam yung pinagdadaanan ng mga taong nakakasalamuha natin at hindi rin natin alam ano yung dating ng mga salita natin kasi iba-iba ang personalidad ng tao. Sobrang SENSITIB na kasi ako ngayon. Yun lang pala. Haha. May pait pa rin sakin noh pero mawawala rin naman to. Mas magaan na rin naman pakiramdam ko ngayon.

Kagabi rin nakausap ko yung isa ko pang kaibigan na matagal nang walang Facebook account na si JM (O diba puro kayo J). Minsan na rin siyang naging paranoid dahil sa paggamit ng naturang SNS. Sabi niya sakin, and I quote, echos! Sabi lang nya na hindi lang rin niya kinaya yung paggamit ng iba sa Facebook upang iparating sa pamamaraang immature yung mga pasaring at pagpaparinig nila sa mga kaaway o mga kinaiinisan. Aminin ko minsan ko na rin tong ginawa at mas madali itong gawin kesa diretsuhin na lang yung pinariringgan (parang ngayon lang?) o parang may feeling of satisfaction ka kapag nagawa mo kasi ang lakas makapagpa-praning ng ganitong tactic eh. Mga babae talaga. Daming alam na schemes. TSK TSK! Pero matagal ko nang natutunang hindi ito maganda lalo na kung nakakasira ka na ng emosyonal at sikolohikal na estado ng isang tao. Ang hirap mag-translate ah!

Hindi maikakaila na na-trauma itong kaibigan ko pero ang nakakabilib eh yung kaya naman pala ng taong mabuhay ng walang Facebook account. Sa panahong ultimo business transactions and announcements sa trabaho eh sa FB na pinapadaan, posible pa rin palang maka-survive kasi totoo may iba pa namang mga apps gaya ng messaging services na pwedeng gamitin upang di mahuli sa balita.

Dahil dyan, tuluyan ko nang idedelete ang FB account ko. Haha. Yun lang pala yung punto ng lahat ng to.

Pinag-iisipan ko yung tip ni friend, JC na maglinis na lang ng account ko at mag-unfriend na ng mga taong maaaring hindi naman na kaibigan ang turing sakin o nung mga nakakapag-trigger lang ng negative emotions sa akin. Sabi niya, based from experience eh kung magkaibigan kayo, eventually the universe will find a way to bring you back together at take note, applicable rin ito sa lovelife haha. Balak ko na rin maglinis ng Instagram accounts ko at salubungin ang 2017 na nakapagbawas-bawas ako ng bagahe.

Moral of the story:

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P.S. Natutunan ko ring:

  1. Kilatisin yung sarili ko, yung paraan ko ng pananalita at kung paano ko pa mas lalong pag-iingatang hindi rin makasakit ng iba. Baka hindi ko alam, ganon rin pala dating ko sa ibang tao.
  2. Mas maging tough, hindi talaga pwede yung lalambot lambot pusong mamon at iiyak iyak na lang palagi sa dog-eat-dog world na to.
  3. Mas maging responsable at attentive sa kalsada (wag daldal ng daldal), sa mga rules of the road at pagmamaneho. Hindi option ang mailagay ang buhay mo, lalo na ang buhay ng iba sa alanganin.
  4. At syempre ang good ol’THINK BEFORE YOU POST!

P.S. eto ang kontrobersyal bidyo. Echos!

blogsignaturesmall

“You gotta risk it to get the biscuit”

I must first and foremost say that I’m quoting this from the movie “Fired Up“, so as to avoid having any legal conflicts or mishaps with our government right now. You see, the Cyber Crime Law has just been recently implemented, blah blah blaaaahhhh….

Moving on to the real subject of this entry, I’d like to give myself, first a pat on the back for finally taking a risk, at least in this lifetime! All along, I thought I’d forever be playing safe and taking the path of boredom to nowhere, but hey, people blooooom and now, I’m making by far, the biggest, life-changing, argument-triggering decision I’ve made in my life!

I’m taking a break from being a nurse! There, I said it! I’m quitting! I know I shouldn’t be too excited for no one can tell what’s actually going to happen, but what the hell, can’t a girl celebrate ahead of time?!?! Yeah, yeah, I know I’m not sure of anything yet, but just thinking about it makes me sooooo jittery in a good way!

I am in this certain point of my life where I feel like I’m lost yet I was able to immediately find my way back! In just a snap of a finger, (with a lot of deep thinking, mega crying and praying on the side) I was able to figure out a major, major plan for myself, plus a lot of back up plans tailing that major plan! Yep, sounds complicated and scary, but I think that somehow, no no, scratch that, I REALLY BELIEVE that this is going to work for me!

This major plan has holes. I know, it’s not perfect but I’ve come to patch those holes up with SOOOOOPER ELECTRO-MAGNETIC (copyright Eraserheads! :P) positivity which makes me really feel that nothing can go wrong (even though I am totally scared that this won’t work). So what if I fail, what if I end up as a big loser, well, at least I tried, right?

It’s very timely, for me to be on sick leave this week. I was so frustrated and confused the past few weeks that I just wanted to give up, but being the trying hard optimistic that I am, I can NEVER say NEVER! Instead of me giving up, I kind of made it sound a bit more positive by saying that “I’m not giving up”, “I’m just trying out something new or different”. Yes, I am quitting but not without a plan B, which is what I am so excited about! At first I really thought that I’m throwing away the years I’ve spent in college studying this course. I thought I’m ending up as someone I was afraid I was going to end up as, back in the day (yehes akala ang tanda na)—–someone who did not become the person she studied to become. But, that was before I let myself be enlightened by my own crazy deep-thinking and God (hopefully). So thank God for helping me out (or for making me believe that You’re making me take this path instead) and for letting me be on sick leave! I needed this time to make muni-muni!

The past three days, I was talking to myself, both quietly and out loud, for a couple of times. I was digging through the quotable quotes from inspirational movies that I’ve come to store in my mind for this particular purpose and particular point in my life (like I knew I would be facing such a circumstance). I thought this only happened in movies! All those movies with plots such as girl-being-separated-from-the-boy-she-loves-by-her-own-family, I knew those stuff happen in real life, but not this soul-searching cheverlu! Charot! HAHA! Kidding aside, I know a lot of us, in certain points in time, find ourselves lost, thinking “Is this what I’m supposed to do?”, “Am I really meant to wipe someone’s ass?”. Not that I’m regretting those experiences! Don’t get me wrong, everything I’ve done for my patients, scary or disgusting alike, I’ve done with the greatest concern for them. I will never ever regret those because those defined and shaped who I am today! I love taking care of my patients. Just seeing them relieved of any discomfort because of my doing is such a great feat for me. Sure I loved being that kind of person, but I realized there are a whole bunch of people more fit to do this. People who have much more commitment and dedication than I do and I will forever be proud of them! I will forever salute my fellow nurses!!!

So the cut this whole thing short, I, MARSYMALLOWS am taking the risk! I promise not to look back in anger (c) OASIS! hahaha, but instead, use my prior experiences and the life lessons that came with those today and in the future! I will not have any regrets from what have been and worries about what will be. I want to live in pure positivity and happiness! We could all choose to be happy and I’m making a choice of leaving something behind while gaining something new! And in that note, I’d like to free myself from all the negative and depressing things of my future ex-life and count all the blessings I receive each day!

So to finally set myself free, I’d like to come up with a list of my realizations that I’ve had for the past weeks:

  • I did my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough (Just Once, James Ingram), seriously, this CCL has made me too paranoid. I’m literally like quoting sources for my thesis! Anyway, this describes how I feel about me being a nurse. Yes I’ve completed my requirements, I gained a degree, acquired a license, got a job, but I feel like no matter how hard I try, I’m not going to do well in this industry! Industry talaga?Showbizz itechua? Or better yet, in this line of work. Sure, I got through training and almost, through probationary period, but where does that take me after? I’ll just be prolonging my agony if I don’t just quit! Some things are just not for me, and I figured I will never be loved by NURSING, no matter how hard I try!
  • I am just NOT HAPPY anymore. If you know my parents, then you’d probably guess what they’ll tell me “Ano bang kabataan kayo? akala niyo puro saya lang ang buhay?” or “Yan ang hirap sa inyo na hindi sanay sa hirap, konting hirap lang, susuko kayo agad“. I’ve known my parents my whole life (malamang!) and I know what they’re going to say when they hear me say that “It’s not NURSING, it’s me, I’m just not happy anymore!”, but I have some counter-argument for that (yehes, I’ve come prepared for this battle): If you say that Life is Short and that we should make the most out of it, would you say that wasting time whining about how you hate your job and the fact that you call your job a JOB is one thing to make your short life worth living? YEHES! TARAY! And if they say that it’s just in the matter of perspective, I can give them my perspective: I AM NOT HAPPY and no matter how I look at it, kahit bali-baliktarin ko pa yung angle nung perspective na yan, I’ll just see it in the same way, everytime. I know I’m defeating the purpose of me thinking in a positive way, but you’ll just not understand. I’m just trying to be realistic here.
  • PASSION. It’s one thing to say that you’re passionate about this stuff or that, but it’s really a big thing when that passion keeps coming back to you every single day, telling you to come follow your heart. Do what you love and you never have to work a single day in your life. I’m passionate about the arts. Always have and always will be. I gave Science a try, but I know I’m not going to be able to grow personally and professionally especially if I’m not passionate about it. And that’s one thing I want to achieve in life, to grow as a person in the field that I know I truly love.
  • CHANGE. Yes change can be intimidating for me. I’m scared of being transferred to a new area I’m not completely familiar and confident in. I’m scared of changing habits knowing that I won’t be consistent enough to keep up with it every day. I’m scared of change, but somehow, with this career change, I felt something good in it. It’s unlikely of me to go out of my way to do what I want because I doubt my ability to do stuff and more talented people scares me, but in this case, I’m giving myself a chance to change that! See? I’m willing to change to go after a change in life! LABO, but hopefully, you get what I mean!
  • OPTIMISM. You know what fuels this sudden change of plan in me? My undying, fighting spirit! I guess, one thing I admire about myself (vain much?) all this time is my Optimism. I know it can be tricky and confusing to quickly label me as the optimist/positive thinker because if you know me personally, you’d know that I’m very, very much a big WORRIER! I worry about a lot of things. People might even dub me as the nurse with non-poker-face when in fact, we should always be seen with worry free look, smiling even so as to lessen our patients’ sufferring etc, but I’m not like that! I panic, worry and get nervous a lot, so that would kind of make you think that I’m not optimistic enough. But no, no, no, no, don’t judge me by my non-poker-worrisome face, I am indeed an optimistic person, otherwise, I should have given up in first year pa lang, taking up Chemistry 101! So yeah, I consider myself an OPTIMIST and no matter how risky you might think this move is for me, I’m taking it with a HUUUUUUUGGGGEEEE baggage of optimism on hand.
  • LIFE. Well, it all boils down to this, in the end. Life. I haven’t experienced much in life. I’m not very outgoing, adventurous, nor have I gone wild….yet! Not yet, not because there aren’t much opportunities for me to become one, but simply because I chose not to. Like what I said, I always try to play it safe. As much as I’d like to try so much stuff, all those dreams and wishes are (for now) just part of the photo memes on my tumblr account. I wanted to learn how to surf, I wanted to go scuba diving, to try motocross, sky-diving, and all the extreme sports out there, but I just choose not to because I know that those are just things I’d rather be doing in my imagination if not in my dreams. F*ck that! I’m 22 years old and turning 23 in a few weeks, I want to try them all! I’m not getting any younger and if I’d die not being able to do the million things on my bucket list, then I haven’t lived the LIFE God has in store for me! I’m not saying I’m packing my bags as we speak and boarding the plane off to somewhere, but I’d like to take one step at a time. I know, I’d get there someday! (wag mo sabihin, i-c-cite ko pa si Shania Twain, You’re Still The One ah!, pero just to be safe, sige na!).

HAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY I cannot believe how talkative I am in writing! I just hope I could get my parents to read this instead of me pouring my heart out to them, knowing that they’d just cut me off by saying, “Wag ka mag-quit”. But still, I’m staying positive on this one and I’m going to be really firm on this tough one! Til my next rant! Hopefully by then, I’m already where I want to be! CIAO! MWAKMWAKMWAK!