Life Lately / 8

Booohoo!! I didn’t get to write anything for March! I made myself a promise never to do this again because I want to be able to always look back on my life. Plus, I feel so OCOC with the archives list on the side of my blog. You see, if you scroll down, you’ll see that the months actually form a perfect wave and it looks pretty! Haha babaw!

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Anyway, I’ve been kind of dreading writing again and doing a whole bunch of other things I used to like doing and I’m not sure why. Maybe I’ve lost interest or the drive and it kills me because I seriously have been doing nothing but bumming around lately.

I feel so hopeless and it scares the heck out of me, but to be fair, my life has taken surprising, little detours these past weeks, which I’ve absolutely never expected.

For one, my grandma died on March 15 after 2 weeks of hospital stay and about 2 more weeks of being completely bed bound at home. I should write a separate entry for this. I still couldn’t believe it, but at the same time, I feel like I don’t feel anything at all. Weird.

I have also reconciled with my barkada and I’m eternally grateful to God and to them for loving me beyond I could ever have imagined. It just made me feel as if windows have been opened up for me when doors have been shut in my life.

Because of that, I have also started reconciling with some other friends I’ve lost touch with!

I’ve also started being more active on social media and this time, I don’t feel as jealous of my friends who have found success in their own individual careers, and that is definitely a good thing for me!

I’m still unemployed for about 2 months now, not to mention back to being single and my life is still nowhere near reaching any of my precious, big dreams (Do I even have those?) and I have no idea when I’ll get my life started. My life still sucks and it seems so much worse now that I don’t feel anything at all or that it seems like I don’t have any ambition anymore. It scares me.

I was reading Saab‘s little Q&A with her fans earlier and I was bothered with this very short but very scary reality check:

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Thinking about it, I’m like 2/3 of those things! Makes me wanna say “what the heck am I doing with my life?!?!?!?!” again and again!

It’s my father’s birthday today and this time next year, he’ll be retiring. My mom was doing her thing again, making discreet, little funny jokes of me retiring earlier than my father will. And even if I don’t want that to bother me and put more pressure on me, I can’t because it’s eating me alive inside!

So what exactly do I want?

I have no clue. I seriously used to have so many things in mind, I used to have so many dreams but now I have nothing. I can’t think of what I want to be in the future. I am hopeless.

I seriously need to do some soul searching this year!

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Life Lately 6: Getting Back on Track

I’ve always been a practical person because I was raised that way. I’ve always taken the road more traveled and always stayed on the safe side and looking back, those might have been the ultimate reasons why I have taken the course, Nursing.

It wasn’t until I was in college when I learned that life doesn’t always have to be safe to be secure. Ironic isn’t it? Yes, you may have taken the safe route to a practical and well-provided life, but are you secured emotionally and spiritually or psychologically?

Before my comfortable and well-planned life made a 360 degree turn, I had everything thought of. I wanted to live and work in a foreign country with greener pastures, build my own house and never return to my hometown. I always wanted that life. Unfortunately, it wasn’t how things turned out for me, but it wasn’t as disappointing as I thought it would be, and no, I’m not saying that to make myself feel better. It is what it is.

Now, I have made some big decisions in my life and those hurt the people I love the most, my parents. These aren’t good decisions, at least not for them and I can hear the disappointment in their words when they talk to me and hear it too when they don’t. I know they only want what’s best for me, but I want what I want and what I need. Sometimes, what they know is based on what they’ve been through, but the world is evolving and their generation is way different from mine, and it doesn’t feel right to remain on the safe side anymore.

I once read that you have to take risks while you’re young, to dream and to follow your heart. I’m not exactly young, but today is the youngest I’ll ever be and I feel that if I don’t find myself now, then I know for sure, I will be lost forever.

So, I resigned and planning to work from home now. I’m really excited but my parents aren’t. I still have a lot of issues to fix, but I’m hoping I’ll get it all together soon!

All negativity aside, I have finally created my 1st digital collage today after finishing Sofia Cope‘s lectures.

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After months (or years?) of having not touched Photoshop, I had to again, and I have to say, I missed it!

I enrolled in Sofia’s Basic Digital Collage Art e-class last month and that is, by far, my favorite online, art course ever!

It is a breath of fresh air, after having spent more time on analog photography, painting, calligraphy etc the past year. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I truly missed digital art!

I was so inspired to make my first ever collage because the topic I chose suits my current status, “Taking Leaps”.

I’m surprised I still know how to use Photoshop. It’s like riding a bike for the first time in years. You get the hang of it again once you get back on it. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I have a few ideas in mind for my next collages and I’m thinking of incorporating some of the photos I took myself!

30 Day Writing Challenge: DAY 8

Share something you struggle with

I see people reaching the peak of their lives at such a young age, while I find myself struggling to find the path to where I’m supposed to be.

I’m currently watching Project Runway: Threads, which is very timely and also like a very big jab to the gut seeing contestants as young as 10 sewing and creating their own clothes! I can barely stitch a straight line using a sewing machine! These kids are geniuses!

What I’m saying is, how did these kids realize what they’re supposed to do in life at that age when an adult like me is having a hard time figuring out my purpose in life? At 25, I’m supposed to have savings, a car or a house, or my whole life planned out. Well, to be fair, I’ve made plans my whole life, but that’s it, nothing seemed to have fallen into place, yet.

As I grow older, I become even more scared that it’s also getting too late for me to be still on the stage of figuring out a life that I’m supposed to have. I’m scared that the world has no more room for another human being with dreams of becoming another photographer or writer or an artist. I’m also scared that all these fears would soon eat and swallow me whole into an abyss where I couldn’t get out of. I’m just going to drown in misery and regret with no future and nothing to hold on to. I’m scared that I’m just existing, and not really living.

I’m struggling with all these fears in mind, but there are still times when I see a light at the end of this darkness, finding hope and positivity just when I need them the most.

I definitely have these guys to blame! Oh, what a messed up crew I have up there!

Inside-Out

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Kidding aside, I’m still wishing, dreaming and hoping that a few years from now, I’m gonna be reading this exact entry and think, “I’ve definitely come a long way since that unfortunate day!” 🙂

Welcome Back

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Lately, I have been busy doing a lot of things and nothing at the same time. I have been living a routine that can really get taxing, not to mention deadly.

Days have become routinary wherein I look forward to weekends and ignore the rest of the week. Well, that’s how it used to be until I started dreading Fridays too because lately, weekends tend to fleet almost as if they don’t exist anymore. The next thing I know, it’s Monday again and unlike weekends, the other 5 days of the week feel more like years than days, especially when I’m at work. I know what’s in your mind, “she’s become a zombie again!“.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel like with my work schedule, the pay and the fixed weekends off, I get to do more and spend more time with the people I love more than I have ever had in my entire adult life. I can never be more thankful for that, but I know that this is still not the life I have been dreaming of.

Whatever it is though, I still haven’t figured it out. I’m 25, lost and directionless, but I cannot give up now. Not when I get to do more of what I love.

Take for example, the photo above. I could never afford to buy a camera to take that photo and get it printed and paint the exact image with watercolors had I not left my old job. I finally got that “privilege” which I think has brought more inspiration for me to work on my hobbies and passion even more, but I know there’s still something lacking in my life.

Like what I said, I still feel lost. Talk about quarter life crisis. When it feels like everyone I know right now has found their place in this world, it makes me feel envious but it also excites me in a way thinking that one day, I can be in their shoes too, and I believe that.

For now, I’m trying my best not to put aside my hobbies especially not because I’m too tired to do so. I’ve once been told that

“If you’re having a hard time finding motivation in doing what you so called “love doing” than maybe you don’t actually love it? When something is important to you, you make time for it. So if your having a hard time doing that, you may need to reevaluate what you actually enjoy doing. People evolve and so do their interests. It’s natural. “

I still get giddy whenever an opportunity comes for me to get creative and to be able to get down and dirty with art stuff. It is the glucose to my blood therefore making me instantly pumped up and before I know it, my workspace explodes into a mess again!

On our recent trip to divi, I splurged 95% of my money on craft materials. We bought paper mache letters (finally) and when my sister asked me to paint on the ones she bought for an officemate’s birthday surprise, I did it minutes before I went to bed at 2AM. It didn’t matter if I had to wake up only 2 hours after, I cannot not paint on it.

She also asked me to wrap a birthday gift for another co-worker recently and I convinced her that I use my recent finds to cover it up and here’s how it looked like in the end.

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So there you go, I am happy to say that “I’m back baby” and so I’m cutting short my sudden hiatus to the artsy fartsy world!