This is 30!

30 years I’ve walked this earth, and I can finally say that I am proud of who I have become. I used to say a lot that I am eternally lost, but this morning as I prayed in Church, I realized that I no longer am.

I was lost because I was distracted by my mundane ideologies, desires and ambition, when all along, the only desire we ought to have is to be ultimately with Him.

I am alive because He allowed for it to happen and not because I am a good person nor because I deserve it. I owe everything to Him so glory shall be given back to Him. This is 30!

xoxo,

How to know if you’ve FINALLY moved on

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I’ve been really busy the past few weeks and I feel like my whole life  just revolves around work lately. Kulang na lang, sa doctors clinics na ako matulog….ooops, nagawa ko na pala yun, dun na ako kumakain at natutulog. Pathetic noh? haha.

Yesterday, it felt so wrong to go home before 7pm just because it was a Tuesday and on Tuesdays, we go home at around 9 to 11, but I thought, I owe that to myself. I need to give myself the time to rest because like what the successful people say, “HINDI NAUUBOS ANG TRABAHO, PERO ANG PASENSYA KO UBOS NA UBOS NA!” Charr!!! This is one advice I’ve heard from one of those career videos I watch online that really stuck with me, “Work is neverending, and it will still be there when you wake up in the morning, so give time for your family, for yourself and for all the other stuff called LIFE OUTSIDE WORK!” Syempre, binago ko na yan pero that’s mainly the gist.

So there, I just need you to know that I finally had a good night’s sleep last night and I woke up (still at 5am though — ganun na talaga eh! matanda na!) feeling well……..well rested. It was one of the best sleeps I’ve had in the past 2 weeks, which I think is the real reason why my brain has recuperated and thought “hey, maybe you’ve finally moved on!”. Ang random eh noh?

So this morning, I flooded my friends with messages that just came popping in and out of my head and I told them, hey I think I finally know why I am in this place and why I am in this job! I remember what one of my doctors told me, “YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LOOK AT THE THINGS HAPPENING IN YOUR LIFE IN A BIGGER PICTURE.” and I guess not a lot of us can do that consistently, but since my head was suddenly as clear as the glass faces of your Korean idols, I realized, maybe this is ONE of the reasons why I am so far from my comfort zone, to be able to feel alone (and lonely at times) for me to be able to find strength in myself and to grow! Pheeewwww!

To cut this whole post short, a light bulb lit in my head and I knew that maybe this is what God wants for me, to grow and mature and to help myself.

So the question is, have I finally moved on? 

Before I beat around the bush again, I’ll tell you now that I really do think that I can finally say, YES, I have.

I think we all cope differently in life and I can’t give one advice that will be applicable to all, but what I think helped me is the fact that I am so far from home, which is my ultimate comfort zone. Obviously, I have to tend for myself, look after myself and pick up after…(guess who!)………… myself!

I couldn’t even drive outside our village before I got this job. I couldn’t go home too late without my mother giving me the cold treatment the next day. I rarely cleaned up after myself before I lived on my own. I didn’t think I could do the things I’m doing now before I was on my own. So I think, it helped a lot to realize that you’re really ON YOUR OWN for you to become really INDEPENDENT and hopefully STRONGER! 

When I screwed curtain rods to the wall or bought and changed my light bulb in the bathroom, I felt really proud that I now could do all the things that I used to ask someone else to do before. I thought, “Hey, this is what growing up must really feel like!”.

My ex and I ended our relationship just like everyone else did……bad, like buildings-torn-apart-by-godzilla-BAD, but then eventually we became friends again. Until lately, I felt like we were growing apart. I can blame that to our really busy lives now. I used to talk to him a lot, sharing our horror work stories and somehow I felt like I needed him to still be a part of my life because obviously he’s one of my best friends. He really is, but because we don’t talk as much anymore, I realized that I can live without letting him know how work sucks or how bad I was feeling. I have my barkada to tell all those stuff to.

Recently, I felt the need to talk to him again about a really pressing personal problem, but in the middle of typing my message, I realized that I have to stop going to him whenever a problem comes up. So I erased the message. And that’s it! I am finally becoming independent!

To answer the title up there, I guess you’ll know that you’ve moved on:

  1. When you can finally say that your heart is full again. When you learn to love yourself despite your failures, your insecurities and your past.
  2. When you mature enough to realize that your love problems doesn’t even compare to the problems of the world or that starving orphan in Africa
  3. When you have spoiled yourself with all the YOU TIME in the world!!!! kapag nasulit mo na yung pagiging single mo
  4. When you are happy for yourself and for your ex moving on with your own lives and probably with your own new partners
  5. When despite missing having someone to always go with you wherever you want, you brave the world on your own; and when you don’t feel the need to depend on someone else to look after you or to shop with you or eat with you. You go those things on your own girl! Or perhaps your with your family and friends!
  6. When you have forgiven your ex partner and most importantly, YOURSELF!
  7. When you finally have the PEACE OF MIND you’ve been praying for!

WHAT HELPED?

  1. PRAYER. I tell this to everyone. Prayer can heal your heart from all the pain, the suffering, the heartache. God is closest to the people who are at the lowest points of their lives (my papa keeps reminding us of this!). Prayer can even help you with your depression!
  2. FAMILY and FRIENDS. Need I say more?
  3. Making time for the things you love doing! I had more time to pursue photography, art, traveling and mountaineering! You make time for working out too apart from pigging out! Get a tattoo! Dance naked! SLEEEEP for 16 hours straight! Do all the things you can’t do unless you’re alone!
  4. Traveling. It makes your heart grow bigger! (not literally though coz that’s baaaad!)
  5. Syempre, it helps to be ALONE, to feel ALONE and to maximize all the ALOOOONE time you can get! NAMNAMIN mo yung pagiging mag-isa! Treasure it before the next person comes trashing your life again! Charot! Kidding aside, it would really make you a stronger and independent person and you’ll feel that it’s not so bad to be alone after all! Again, love and treasure being single! It’s that golden period in your life that you get to know yourself again!
  6. Watch How to be Single! Lol! I’ll probably do again!

Hope it helped!

mars2

 

Soundtrack Love | Before We Go

I swear, I have never listened to a movie soundtrack as perfect as BEFORE WE GO‘s. Not even my love for Warm Bodies‘ and Elizabethtown‘s respective OSTs can trump this one.

If you haven’t heard of it, it’s that super bokehlicious film co-produced, directed and starred in by the charming Chris Evans with his semi-love interest played by Alice Eve.

It’s also where this beautiful quote was from:

 

 

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photo linked to owner

 

I’ve seen the movie twice or thrice now, so I can’t help but feel annoyed that I’ve never once been struck by its songs, until today. It’s so unusual for me to focus so much on the story line that I fail to appreciate the musical scoring or the songs in the background. Very unusual. It’s probably more likely for me not to finish my popcorn than to ignore the music in movies, and I love popcorn!

It’s probably easier to think of a reason, say them using these unfamiliar songs, then again, so did Warm Bodies.

Knowing myself, I’m very particular with the songs I listen to and I love discovering new ones especially those in movies or tv shows I watch, so why is it that I’m only figuring it now how well put together the soundtrack of this movie was?

I don’t really know how to answer that question too. All I know now is that, other than my favorite pop songs, fave pop indies and little bit of oldies, I have found my ultimate life playlist here, a playlist even so for when I’m driving. I mean, these songs will actually slow my heart rate down to normal when I’m super stressed or will keep my mind off rude drivers. These may even be songs I’ll listen to for when I want to believe that nothing can bring me down!

I’m listening to it right now and I literally haven’t even skipped a song yet! That’s how good it is!

I originally looked the OST up because I was looking for a particular song in a scene when the lead characters were in a hotel room at the end of the movie. A montage of them spending their last hours together while they were having fun, in a wholesome way was shown as the song is played. That song that captured my heart first among many others is Jason Collet‘s “Rave on Sad Songs“. Jason sounds like one of those romantic country balladeers and this song is just lovely.

So, I’m trying to narrow down my top favorites, but it really is quite hard to choose as ALL (I can’t stress that enough) of the songs are really good, so I kind of just grouped them together in all these little clusters instead.

Songs from the OST that I can listen to over and over again:

  1. Rave on Sad Songs – Jason Collet – This reminds me so much of Elizabethtown and its own OST
  2. Over & Out – Oliver North Boy Choir – This is soooo going into Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist!
  3. Song for Zula – Phosphorescent – was also used in that charmingly cute scene in TASM 2 when Peter was crossing the street with eyes focused only on Gwen.
  4. Best Part of Me – St. Leonards – also heard in Beauty and the Beast (only one of the few shows with a really great soundtrack)
  5. Restless Lover – Lesands – so Warm Bodies! I associate it with Delta Spirit‘s “Yamaha”
  6. The Alchemy Between Us – Young Galaxy – This is soooo going into Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist too!
  7. Into the Sea – Aidan Hawken (really feeling like going into the water now, aren’t you?)

Songs from the OST for when you are driving along a highway on a cliff overlooking the sea or when chasing sunsets on a long, chill road trip:

  1. Restless Lover – Lesands
  2. Sun Burns – Blue Boats – so M83‘s Midnight City!
  3. Burning Blue – Kowalski – so light and airy like a merengue! haha! must be fun to drive around with your windows down and this on your speakers
  4. Song for Zula – Phosphorescent
  5. The Alchemy Between Us – Young Galaxy
  6. So Here We Are – Bloc Party – great band! Brings back The OC memories, though I don’t think this song was on one of their “mixtapes”!
  7. Into the Sea – Aidan Hawken

Songs from the OST to listen to to help you calm your mind:

  1. Moonbeams – Family Band – the vocals are incredible!
  2. I Don’t – Margot and the Nuclear So and So’s – this one’s so easy to the ears with great vocals and guitars
  3. Flaws – Vancouver Sleep Clinic – can also associate with M83!
  4. Urchin – Labyrinth Ear – This is sooooo Stranger Things!!
  5. Only Yesterday – Taken by Trees – so dreamy + good vocals!

Songs from the OST that are also really good but I can’t put them up on the other lists:

  1. Where’s the Baby? – The Loud – I can definitely hear this on The Perks of Being a Wallflower OST
  2. Dark Morning – Count Basie Orchestra – This one’s definitely going into The Notebook‘s OST!

I think I just died, but I’m not complaining ‘coz I have hell lot of incredible songs to bring with me to my grave!

 

I think I wanna make more of this! A new series, maybe?

mars2

 

 

You

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They say that after a woman gives birth, she eventually forgets how painful the whole process is that she wouldn’t mind getting pregnant again and going through all the pain that she once went through.

I can’t help but see a resemblance in the way we feel about falling in and out of love. Love isn’t so much about the way the other person makes us feel. It should be way beyond that, for love is a choice, to stick through the pain and perils of finally giving away your heart entirely to someone who stole and eventually owned it.

I can say for sure how easily I find it to forget all the pain love has caused me because like magic, love has a way to make us feel so many emotions at once. Like magic, love can make us believe in the impossible. Like magic, love can overwhelm us and catch us off guard. Love can lift us up even when it wears us out over and over. Because love is magical and it gives us that giddy feeling in our stomach, we easily want more of it despite all the complications and pain that come with it.

In the past 5 years, I’ve lost count of the times I’ve gotten hurt or hurt the one I love, but we easily fought through all the hard times and negativity because we are just so persistent and determined like that. We just wouldn’t give up, at least not completely. We both are each other’s first loves and I know how first loves are messy and beautiful at the same time. I also know that despite those, we both love each other so much that we just wouldn’t let each other go, no matter how many times we’ve broken up; but sometimes, holding on can do more damage than letting go ever can.

I don’t even know if I’m doing it right, but I love you. I’ve found a best friend and a partner in you which no one can ever replace in my heart.

I hate the fact that our love seems so right, yet everything else feels so wrong. I hate that the we were given but a fleeting chance to love. I hate that you were given to me, yet will only be taken away. I hate that those that once cheered us on, now only want us apart. I hate that I now have to put away this ring with your name on it. I hate how the once sweet words we have for each other became bitter and sad. I hate that we always talked about marriage and having our own family, yet here we are back to being strangers again.I hate that our paths met, but never to remain intertwined like how I always dreamed of.

But just so you know, I don’t hate you. I don’t hate the fact that the whole universe seem to conspire to break us apart. I don’t even hate the fact that there is now a story of more woe than of Romeo and Juliet’s, and that is ours.

I love you and I hope that when you look at the stars at night, you see the world not as a traitor that robbed you of happiness. I wish that the brightly peppered sky rather remind you of the hope and happiness He promised to come. I hope that when I see you again, we both are rid of all the pain, have completely forgiven each other and eager and brave to love again (whether each other or strangers we have yet to meet), much like the women who fear not the pain of bringing another child into this curious, little world.

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Nobody said it was easy. Missing you already.

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Saved

Mama and I just finished watching Titanic. I found our old VCDs earlier and ended up watching the first half of Vertical Limit and the discs 2 and 3 of Titanic.

This film is (as usual) emotionally exhausting to watch, so we both found ourselves barely moving on our seats as we watched everything right to the very end of the credits (yep, we both even uttered names of those we thought are Filipinos). It was her first time to watch it again after sooooo long and I knew by the look on her face and tears on her eyes that she was a bit traumatized.

Likewise, no matter how many times I see this film, I cannot keep myself from breaking into tears. I know it has a lot to do with the musical scoring, thanks to my favorite, James Horner, but I also have to give it to Jack and Rose for the short but truly sweet thing they had going, until the very end.

I love how this film affects me in so many ways possible and differently each time I watch it. I love how I’m always reminded that life is short and how we always take it for granted.

I also realized how lucky they were (had they been real people) for finding true love, despite it being short-lived. That won’t take away the fact that it was still truly special.

I realized how small my problems are, compared to what the passengers of the infamous liner have gone through. I also realized how love can make everything seem so simple and easy…nothing a little lovin’ can’t fix.

Watching Jack and Rose fight their way through one obstacle after another gave me hope and inspiration to keep moving forward myself. After all, it is what life is all about…

to keep breathing, to pick yourself up, to treat everyone nicely and to love.

In the end, Rose struck me with her little speech and with this line that I didn’t realize was there until today…

“But now you know there was a man named Jack Dawson and that he saved me… in every way that a person can be saved.”

Much like how this film saved me from losing my sanity in such a difficult time.

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P.S. Didn’t know Google has this little treat for their users. Made me smile yesterday 🙂

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