Life in Freedom

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Life with courage is a life in freedom.

There are many words to define freedom and courage isn’t one of them, but if you wanna simplify the vast concept that is freedom, you’d most likely realize that huge part of it is brought about by courage. Now, I’m more confused.

Today, we celebrate Philippine’s 120th Independence Day.

When I hear that phrase, I always picture this humongous UFO hovering slowly over the sky and Will Smith on his yard looking at it like it was going to be his last day on earth. It creeps me out every time, but setting that feeling aside, I know that it is one of the iconic films of courage of our lifetime.

When you go 120 years back, ALL of the people we consider heroes today had extraordinary courage which, I should say was a major weapon against our colonists.

So maybe now you get why there is such an analogy between FREEDOM and COURAGE.

If you put it in a more contemporary setting, we could say that life lived with courage is a life in freedom. If you choose to brave heartache, failure, disappointment and all the negative but completely normal life stuff, then you choose to live freely as well.

The question is, do you? Do you choose to live your life courageously?

There are things that I want to change in my life that requires a whole lot of courage. I want to be able to face life as if it can never harm me or bring me down, even if it can and it will.

I want to be able to let go of the past, of the fears that only I inflict on myself to allow myself to open up to new people, to new possibilities.

I want to be able to do have the courage to do what I love even if it means taking a risky leap of faith.

I want to be able to express myself even if not everyone would agree with me.

I want to be brave enough to make a difference in the world even if it would seem impossible.

I want to be brave enough to do as I please without allowing the words of others easily pierce through me.

I want to be free from all these fears and live my life the way I want to, without hurting anyone, and without allowing people who hurt me to also take out the flame in me. This is my life. I will live it more courageously!

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How to Love (a birthday tribute)

I’m not sure what title to put in up there yet. Usually, I’d think of a title first and work my way through the whole entry, but I can’t quite name the post yet.

I could just write B’s name. That would work too since this is all going to be about him.

You see, I have written so much about him in the past 4 or 5 years (I was writing about him long before we got together) and that’s just because he’s only been a huge part of my life. So big, that if you read all the entries tagged under B or Bri or boyfriend, you’ll know how much and why I am so in love with him.

Today, he just turned another year older. Fun fact: he’s 3 years younger than me for a little more than a month, and 2 years younger than me for the rest of the year. haha! I secretly feel excited me when his birthday comes up coz it only means one thing, I’ll only be 2 years older than him, at least for the next 10 months!

The age gap between us has been my biggest concern, not so long ago. I would have totally turned him down if it wasn’t for the fact the he was so persistent and sincere. So yes, those were what made me fall for him (plus a whole lot more of surprises down the road).

 

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So is there anything else I haven’t told the world yet about him?

Well, maybe. Last night, we went out on a simple date to celebrate his birthday and something happened that really moved my cold, rock hard heart.

Well, we actually went on several dates this week, to start off the year right. I want to document everything here, so…

  • Monday, 4 January: He went with me to do some personal errands for myself, like shopping at the Common Room in Katips before having lunch at Hot Star Chicken, went to Fujifilm Sto. Domingo to have my 6 rolls of film developed, passed by Sto. Domingo church and had a short photoshoot, paid for the art e-course at BPI, had ELAR’s lechon for dinner before going home
  • Tuesday, 5 January: He wanted to go with me and get my films back so he did after I got out of the office, passed by Sto. Domingo church again, then had dinner at The Dimsum Place, had coffee and tea before going home
  • Wednesday, 6 January: Had a Skype date 🙂
  • Thursday, 7 January: Went around Cubao, had dinner at our favorite Japanese restaurant, Tonkatsu Taka, had tea along Manhattan Parkview before finally parting ways
  • Friday, 8 January: Had dinner at El Pollo Loco, then had coffee at this quiet nook which I forgot the name of, in building A of Mega before finally parting ways along Edsa Central

So here’s the thing, almost all the time, he makes sure he sees me off all the way to the tricycle terminal near my house before he goes on another 2-3 hour ride back home. If that isn’t heartbreaking enough, he has to ride 3 different buses to get home, along with hundreds of commuters late at night.

I never wanted for him to do that for me (at least not anymore), but he insists on doing so because he just wants to make sure I get home safe and sound, but it’s never the same for me. I end up worrying when he doesn’t get back to Cubao in time to catch the last bus ride home, or when we gets home so late at night.

So last night, when we went our separate ways in Edsa Central. I taught him where to get on a bus to Cubao. He didn’t have to take me home since I was going home with my parents. This puts me more at ease because he doesn’t have to go all the way to my house and it’s much easier for him to get home.

Normally, when we’re around the Ortigas area, we can’t be seen together (for the same reason why he still hasn’t met my parents). So we usually go our separate ways as if we’re total strangers. I’m unfair I know.

We had a fairly quick eye contact, sent him a text to go home and before I knew it, he was walking away. I was just looking at him as he disappeared into the crowd. Deep inside I wanted to go after him, but my parents were coming so I stayed. It took me a few more seconds before I decided I wanted to see him off this time. When I got to Edsa, I was shocked by how so many commuters were trying to get a ride home. At first, I thought he must have easily gotten on a bus, but I didn’t move hoping I could still find him in the middle of the crowd. I stood there asking God to let me see him before he goes home. Right after I told Him that, I saw Brianne walking just a few metres away from me. I didn’t call his attention because I didn’t want him to want to stay any longer. I wanted to see him off before my parents came, but when he failed to get on a bus, he walked back towards the sidewalk and that’s the time I went near him and called his name.

I was a bit teary eyed, but I’m glad I caught him before he got home. I couldn’t stay so I had to bid him goodbye before walking back towards our car. My parents had dinner, but the whole time I was texting Brianne, asking if he finally got on a bus. I was trying to hold back my tears because I was getting too emotional knowing that he’s out there trying to get a ride home, while I was comfortably sitting inside Yellow Cab with my parents.

Good thing, I got his text right before we went home that he was finally on his 2nd bus ride home (he only had to take 2 buses since he was already along Edsa). I finally felt so relieved.

On our way home, we were just texting each other super mushy stuff and I couldn’t help but realize how much he goes through just to be able to be with me. And he’s been doing that for the past 4-5 years!

While I’m reliving last night, which seemed like a scene taken straight out of a movie (kulang na lang ulan eh), and typing it everything in here, my tear ducts started to water again. I’m just so overwhelmed with happiness and guilt and love that I feel like the I really am the luckiest girl on earth.

I could only sigh at the fact that I love Brianne so much. I wanted so bad to be a better person for him and for us. He deserves so much more than our petty quarrels and my stubbornness so I’m really working hard to better myself this year, for him and for the people I love the most.

Thank you Brianne and thank you God for making me realize all these.

So that’s it. It got a bit longer than expected, but I just wanted the world to know how lucky I am to have this guy here in my life…

I love you Brianne, for everything that you are and have become. Just so you know, I love you so much more now than I ever have.

I once read that your spouse should be your best friend. I agree with that and it took me a few years before I realized how true it should be. You wouldn’t want to be living with someone you don’t want to connect with, or bond with or be best friends with. Otherwise, life wouldn’t be as good as it should be.

I’m not married to Bri (yet), but I would like to be, someday; and for the rest of our lives, I want us to remain best friends, apart from being overly weird and corny lovers. I want us to remain strong, to be friends even long after we get married and grow old. I want to keep this relationship for a really long time, if not forever.

I love you, B, even if I always say that I don’t really know how to love.

If I am doing it wrong, for sure, I’ll learn how to, with your hand intertwined with mine, of course.

Happy birthday again, my love, my favorite person, singer and 2nd favorite model in the world.

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