My Own Little Sacrifice

The past weeks, and as I have mentioned in my “Currently” entry, I have been having tiny bits of “suffering”. Yeah they’re not major ones like what Jesus endured during His time on earth but it’s been bothering me for a pretty long time.

  • There’s the little issue with the boyfriend
  • Then my lola’s hospitalization
  • Then there’s my tita’s scary cervical spine injury (she had to stay with us for a while)
  • After everything, came my cholelithiasis/appendicitis scare

In the midst of all these, I was just grabbing hold of Jesus’ hand (trying hard not to let go). I went to St. Pio chapel a couple of times. I even brought my sick tita and cousin there, a week ago. I’m being hopeful and positive still that these are just part of our own little crosses (compared to Jesus’ cross) that we do have to carry, especially since it’s the Lenten season. I was just trying to convince myself to offer everything to God especially in these most trying times because every bad thing will eventually come to pass, right?

True enough, my lola went home and is currently back on her feet (makulit na ulit as of this weekend), my tita didn’t need surgery and is just having therapy thrice a week, my HBT ultrasound was entirely negative and my pancreas, liver and gallbladder are all working fine. B and I are still making it work despite some issues. I’m finally able to breathe again and to cap of the Lenten season, we (my sister pala) booked a 3-day, 2-night stay in Pagudpod to spend time together as a family.

Then came the heartbreaking news, super typhoon Chedeng has just entered the PAR and making it’s way to the north west part of Luzon.

I know it sounds selfish but I’m half-wishing that it would be strong enough to make our trip today worth cancelling, or at least worth a refund of my sister’s money, or perhaps a rebooking or rescheduling? Although, I might not be able to request for another VL, at least not anytime soon.

We were all looking forward to this trip. We’ve been to Ilocos a couple of times the past years because we’ve all just started meeting and catching up with family there. Who knew right? But this was going to be our first time in Pagudpod because no one really liked driving too far up north, in the past. My father has been even having second thoughts days before because he feels like travelling that far by car is whole body pain just waiting to happen.

I want to still be positive on this but I can’t think of anything that can make me feel okay right now. It’s our first Holy Week in our entire lives to go on a vacation. Every year, we’d go on Visita Iglesia without fail. Maybe He just doesn’t want us having fun this week like the rest of the world or at least the rest of the beach loving kids do? But we’ve put it on our itinerary to visit churches in Ilocos, can’t that be valid enough for us to go on to this trip? 😦

Well, I just hope that the storm will spare everyone’s life and homes this week. For now I think, we’ll all just stay at home and rot (not bitter). Kidding aside, I’m still praying for a good time well spent with my family. After all, it’s what this vacation leave is for. I also think that God’s trying to make papansin, asking us to read the Bible or pray. I know I haven’t been reading the Bible lately, though I’ve been praying/asking for a lot. I admit I haven’t been able to thank Him for a lot of things too. Maybe it’s His way of getting our attention, right?

These are my own little sacrifices. I’ve never been this sad about Lent before, but maybe this is how it should truly be observed.

Last night I was tumblr-ing and I can’t help but stop and reflect deeply about this specific post by Spiritual Inspiration:

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“…And in an instant, suddenly, you shall be visited and delivered by the Lord of hosts…” (Isaiah 29:5–6, AMP)

Throughout the Bible, we have examples of how God suddenly showed Himself strong on behalf of His people. But sometimes when we’ve struggled in an area for a long time, it’s easy to just give up and accept things the way they are. One of the enemy’s favorite lies is to tell you that nothing is ever going to change. He’ll tell you that you’re never going to get well, that your marriage isn’t going to work out, that you’re never going to break that addiction. But I want to tell you today, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in those circumstances, God can change things in an instant! In a split second of time, He can turn it all around. One touch of God’s power can heal your body. One touch of His favor can promote you. One touch of His goodness can solve that problem. Just one touch from Almighty God can instantly change your life.

I encourage you today, keep believing, keep standing, and keep hoping. Don’t let the enemy drag your thoughts down because God is working behind the scenes. Your time is coming, and I declare that your breakthrough is going to happen suddenly — in an instant!

and by this one too…

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New Year

Yes, this looks exactly like my new year post on my photo blog, having the same title and photos, but I wanted this to be more heartfelt than the other post already is!

I was pouring my heart out to someone earlier that it made me finally write something after a long time! I couldn’t get myself to write that year-ender entry I’ve been meaning to since November because of all the Christmas preparations and holiday celebrations.

I still haven’t organized my thoughts to do that yet so I’m postponing it for another week. Right now, I just feel like I should, in Taylor Swift’s words, “shake it off”!

Everyone gets a little hopeful every time a new year starts, including me. New Years give you hope of having a completely clean slate to start life anew; like it’s acceptable, only for that fleeting moment between 11:59-12:00 am, for anyone to just leave the bad behind and look forward to anything that can make the previous year better.

This year, tried as I might to shake off all the fears, negativity, guilt and sadness, I couldn’t! It’s been bothering me for the last few hours that I couldn’t help but vent it out to a friend. Maybe that’s why I’ve been painting in breaks between preparations yesterday, to calm the nerves!

I know I was such a terrible person last year and I couldn’t tell if I still am or not, and now I’m afraid that despite everything I’ve been through last year, I’m bound to fail again this year. I’m afraid that there wouldn’t be anything good for me anymore after all the bad things that 2014 has given me. I’m pretty sure that 2014 was one of the most challenging and heartbreaking years of my life, not to mention the lowest point in my life. Just thinking about the choices and decisions I’ve made makes me want to cringe. What’s worse is that I don’t know if I have learned anything from all my failures. It feels like I’m still the same, old me!

One thing I’ve done though before the year ended is patch things up with the people I’ve been in conflict with, all of which are friends. Though it still didn’t feel right and I guess things wouldn’t be the same as before, but I’ve already accepted that fact long before I decided to apologize to them.

So what else am I looking forward to now? What are my resolutions? What am I leaving behind?

Honestly, I’m still very much overwhelmed by fear, but it helps that I’m still alive to think that I do have a purpose that I need to fulfill. Only God knows how messed up my life really is right now, and I’m thankful that He never got tired of me, a sinner, not even once and the blessings I got this year are evidence to that.

09960005Right now, I feel completely stripped off of everything, like I’m naked, with no one else to get inspiration and strength from but from the people closest to my heart, my family, a few friends and God. So for now, all I want is to get back up and maybe, just maybe take baby steps to fix my self and my life. After all, the sun still rises and I still wake up to see it!

One step at a time

So first things, first! I would like to give myself a pat on the back for……………ten-nen-ten-nen……………..RESIGNING! WOOOT! WOOOT! Obviously, I still haven’t allowed myself to let that piece of milestone in my life sink in yet! Seriously! 8 days after I passed the big letter (without any hesitations and with a BIG, CHUNKY SMILE ON MY FACE!), I still cannot believe that I did it! If you ask me, am I really happy with my decision?

It took me one long year and a great deal of courage and long, sleepless nights with accompanied crying fits at times to make this decision. So YES, if you’re asking me if I thought of this well enough. I apparently and wholeheartedly did think thoroughly of this well enough!

Looking back, I never thought I haven’t written anything in ages, to think that I went through a LOT all throughout those 7 months I was in hiding (criminal lang ang peg?). It could really take so much of  your time, LIFE, right? In all my years of blog-hopping, I’ve had some fair share of disappointments after learning that a certain blogger I persistently follow suddenly deactivates his/her account or fails to update regularly due to lack of time. It would take them months before I could get another update from them that I would just be digesting for a couple of minutes. Then I’d have to wait patiently and agonizingly for another one. Pathetic, isn’t it? But now that my work has become my life for the past year, I realized that it really does eat so much of your time!!! I am not a celebrity but it kind of works the same way. You keep a blog, you rant for a couple of weeks or months, then you get so busy, you suddenly don’t give a crap out of writing for the next several months, then out of the blue, you just realize, “hey, I haven’t written in a long time, maybe I need to update my followers (if i still do)”.

But, as ironic as it sounds, I think I kind of like the idea that I got too engrossed in my job. In a way, it makes me feel proud to have a life (just not the life I still want to have right now). Thus the resignation! OHHH YEAAAHHH! 🙂

I apologize if i sound a bit too much in-your-face-ish. It really just feels like I’m starting to discover who I   truly am. For a 23 year old, I know it may seem late to be called a late bloomer, but if it makes you feel complete and fulfilled then I guess there isn’t a definite age limit for this euphemism right?

I know, I know, I’ve been blabbing about how when I was in high school/college, I discovered my love for photography, digital art etc but i never had a chance to pursue this passion blah blah. You already know that (well you can refer back to my previous posts for all the emotional blah blahs I had in years if you have no idea what I am talking about here), but what i didn’t know I have is the guts to actually step up and make a decision so risky, I wouldn’t earn a certificate of employment from my current job. Yes, you read that right. I won’t dwell on it anymore because it would just disappoint me all over again.

Now, if you ask me, do I have any regrets? Of course I do! It’s not like this decision has been easy for me, especially that it has put a bit of an unbridgeable gap between my mother and I. If I put everything on a list, my regrets would have to be (listed from least to most heartbreaking):

  • I won’t get a certificate of employment – I regret not being able to prove that I worked hard for almost 1 1/2 years even though it is my right to have one.
  • I won’t be able to pierce through someone’s skin or vein anymore – yes, it’s true. The very thing I hated back when I was just starting would also be the thing that I would miss doing the most! (But i could always participate in medical missions if i want to, right?)
  • I won’t get to be with some of the best co-workers in the world – That is true again. I know there are people I won’t regret not seeing anymore and I know I never thought I’d have friends there, but it’s one of the things I thank God the most every day.
  • I won’t be called a nurse ever again – I would miss my family, friends and even boyfriend and their friends calling me and being proud of me being a nurse! This is the second on my list and definitely one of the things I think about almost everyday because being a nurse entails so much responsibilities and rewards as well.
  • It became the reason why my mother and I are not in good terms as of this moment – and it has been going on for some time now.

But I don’t want to have to dwell on those anymore. I’m pretty sure my mother would be happy for me too (like my father) sometime in the future. It’s not like she’s gonna ignore me forever right? Plus, I know that I would always be a nurse as long as I want to and I can practice venoclyzing anyone’s veins if I want to (as long as i renew my certificate and license) and I know that deep inside, the people who truly care for me would just be as happy as I am right now.

Before I end this entry, I would like to thank God for keeping me guided in all my thoughts and decisions. If it is not You who helped lead me into thinking that this is the right path for me, then I guess I’m headed for a big flop. Just go flush me down the drain now, will You? But I’m really hoping that this is what You also planned out for me. I know that in my heart, this is what I’m meant to do. And to my papa, the subject of my inspirational entries from time to time, I thank you for being the most creative and supportive father in the world. I know we’ve talked about this months ago and just recently, but you never closed any doors for me. You were always the one to tell us (my siblings and I) to always ask help from God. You were the soft-spoken parent that’s why though you have so much to say, good or bad, I took everything in without reservation. You listened that’s why you understood where I’m coming from. You gave me another chance because you’d want me to learn by myself and see the world through my own eyes and not yours. Most of all, you inspired me to be creative just like you. I may never be as good as you but you taught us well and you inspired us through your own works of art. I want to make you proud someday, you and mama! Thanks papa for all your photography lectures you handed down to me. Thanks for believing and trusting in me and thanks for this chance to help me find myself. Sabi mo nga, dugong artist ako diba? That short phrase means so much to me!

Going back to that one question above, Am i really happy with my decision? Well I think by now, you have figured it out. All I can say is that I’m not only happy that I am finally fulfilling a long time dream but also because even though I have so much at risk and regrets, but when I die and look back, I know I lived my life thinking that we all only live once! Happiness is a choice and this is what I choose to become. 🙂

YOLO! Carpe Diem!

P.S. I just read my entry last October 4, 2012 and I had the exact same entry introduction and topic! ONE YEAR AGO! Coincidence? Serendipity? Is this meant to happen? Gives me goosebumps!

BIENSEE

I think I have written entries about him more than I have written about anyone in this blog. Sige na, You already! But to tell you honestly, I haven’t felt so inspired to write about how I really feel (romantically, that is) especially not about this particular person because more often than not, I’d rather keep my feelings to myself than to be open about it. It’s not easy to spill it out yet since unlike most girls, I find it hard to come clean (not that i’m hiding something wrong or bad). I guess it’s just not that easy to admit to my family, especially to my parents that I finally have a suitor. I know, it seems weird for me to be feeling this nervous or scared when in fact, people get admirers all the time! SHOCKER! Too bad that’s not how we roll in this family (parang gangster lang eh). You see, in all my 21 years of existence, I haven’t experienced “this” before. Sure, there were a few who might have been attracted but never in my life have I been courted seriously. So I wouldn’t really know how to deal with this awkwardness and all the teasing and sudden strictness of my parents. Ako na ang panget, I know, but now that someone has finally shown sincere interest, not to mention, patience, I get this feeling that my parents disapprove of it, plus it I know it wouldn’t help that we have this 3 year age gap and that he lives too faaaaaaaaaaaar away from me. I know the last two were a bit exaggerated but still, those were reasons why I have thought of not giving this a chance before, but not anymore. 🙂

Despite these teleserye-like scenarios of our love story (love story agad? di ba pwedeng kwento lang muna?), we became really good friends. At first, it was hard to believe everything that he said. I did not like getting compliments especially from someone I barely knew so I kept dodging his siopao hirits (as I like to call them) and never really took them seriously. I never really expected anyone to be attracted to me this way. I obviously know what I look like so I’ve always had little confidence in myself (thanks to uber perfect-looking girls out there) so I would know for sure if someone was telling the truth or not, and I wanted to believe that he wasn’t. But thanks to the nightly pep talks I got from my friends (ehem ehem, hi again Johnny!!) and having been brought up to respect everyone, I politely gave him a chance and surprisingly, I gave in to his pangungulit. After a few months, here we are, instant sooooooooper close friends.

Last week, he told me how his family, especially his mom, would really like to meet me in person. He also always tells me how they approve of me and I feel sooooo touched everytime he tells me so. I never expected all of this to happen since it still feels like yesterday when he first talked to me online and sent me the birthday song he made. 🙂 It still doesn’t seem like it’s almost been a year since I met him and now, I feel like just a day of not talking to him will drive me cuuurazzzzeeee!! OA ALERT! OA ALERT!

I don’t know how to say this and I know it may totally weird you out to know that we already tell how much we love each other everyday, and we’re not even a (BFGF) couple yet. All I know is that he inspires me and he is my first and I would not want to fall in love again, not if it’s not with him. For now, I’m just praying, hoping and looking forward to more time and hopefully a lifetime with him…gumaganon?!?!?!?!?!

P.S. Johnny girly, kayo lang ni Nikkiboy nakakaalam ah? hahahahhaha gusto ko lang talaga magsulat about it, kalokaaaaaa! hahahahahha! patawad! 😛