New Year

Yes, this looks exactly like my new year post on my photo blog, having the same title and photos, but I wanted this to be more heartfelt than the other post already is!

I was pouring my heart out to someone earlier that it made me finally write something after a long time! I couldn’t get myself to write that year-ender entry I’ve been meaning to since November because of all the Christmas preparations and holiday celebrations.

I still haven’t organized my thoughts to do that yet so I’m postponing itย for another week. Right now, I just feel like I should, in Taylor Swift’s words, “shake it off”!

Everyone gets a little hopeful every time a new year starts, including me. New Years give you hope of having a completely clean slate to start life anew; like it’s acceptable, only for that fleeting moment between 11:59-12:00 am, for anyone to just leave the bad behind and look forward to anything that can make the previous year better.

This year, tried as I might to shake off all the fears, negativity, guilt and sadness, I couldn’t! It’s been bothering me for the last few hours that I couldn’tย help but vent it out to a friend. Maybe that’s why I’ve been painting in breaks between preparations yesterday, to calm the nerves!

I know I was such a terrible person last year and I couldn’t tell if I still am or not, and now I’m afraid that despite everything I’ve been through last year, I’m bound to fail again this year. I’m afraid that there wouldn’t be anything good for me anymore after all the bad things that 2014 has given me. I’m pretty sure that 2014 was one of the most challenging and heartbreaking years of my life, not to mention the lowest point in my life. Just thinking about the choices and decisions I’ve made makes me want to cringe. What’s worse is that I don’t know if I have learned anything from all my failures. It feels like I’m still the same, old me!

One thing I’ve done though before the year ended is patch things up with the people I’ve been in conflict with, all of which are friends. Though it still didn’t feel right and I guess things wouldn’t be the same as before, but I’ve already accepted that fact long before I decided to apologize to them.

So what else am I looking forward to now? What are my resolutions? What am I leaving behind?

Honestly, I’m still very much overwhelmed by fear, but it helps that I’m still alive to think that I do have a purpose that I need to fulfill. Only God knows how messed up my life really is right now, and I’m thankful that He never got tired of me, a sinner, not even once and the blessings I got this year are evidence to that.

09960005Right now, I feel completely stripped off of everything, like I’m naked, with no one else to get inspiration and strength from but from the people closest to my heart, my family, a few friends and God.ย So for now, all I want is to get back up and maybe, just maybe take baby steps to fix my self and my life. After all, the sun still rises and I still wake up to see it!

What makes me happy?

When you’re kind of getting tired feeling sorry for yourself, that’s when you start feeling grateful for the littlest things you have in life. This is why most things on this list are probably the shallowest of all, but they make me really happy, as in genuinely happy from the bottom of my ridunculous heart ๐Ÿ™‚

  • this song, “Let Me In” by Grouplove, currently on repeat mode as I’m typing this… gimme gimme that love, i’ll be waiting for ya! – my feel good song for a few weeks now ever since I started listening to the TFIOS soundtrack before it was shown ๐Ÿ™‚
  • other songs – Rude by Magic and that Pinacolada song called Escape – make you wanna daydream of really beautiful stuff if not dance to them like crazy.
  • my film SLR – seriously, I could have gone totally boinks instantly without this in my life right now. I can actually look at it only and all my worries go away like magic! ๐Ÿ™‚
  • eating my favorite Mango Ref Cake which I made last night when I saw that we finally have mangoes! – also called Mango Float cake or Mango Graham cake
  • stalking this girl a friend and I both know and feeling sorry for ourselves together ๐Ÿ™‚ – this is weird but it makes me happy because we are such immature and green eyed monsters ๐Ÿ™‚ And I’m so shallow like that!
  • film photographers – aside from taking photos myself, I also love checking out personal blogs of different film photographers and actually getting to interact with them. It inspires me to do more and to dream more ๐Ÿ™‚
  • Hollis Gillespie – readingย one anecdote a day from her book makes me feel less sorry for myself knowing that there are people out there in different parts of the world who have problems too, but manage to get by without getting overly depressed about it.
  • making my little cousins and grandmother laugh – it just feels wonderful to draw generous laughs from them because we rarely get together as a family and the sound of laughter is music to my ears ๐Ÿ™‚
  • my grandmother’s dialysis being okay despite another dialysis-mate getting intubated and dying on the same day – I think my grandmother almost never finishes her dialysis sessions these days because she gets cramps ย and gets sick more frequently, but I’m glad that the time I accompanied her, she didn’t have any problems at all. Wish us luck tomorrow!
  • Yogilates – this one’s the painful kind of good thing in life, but despite feeling the pain, by the end of a session, it makes you feel good that you actually finished one and feel more confident about your body ๐Ÿ™‚
  • movie marathons – Ever since my job ended, I was able to watch a lot of the new films I would’ve missed had I been employed. So being a bum still has its perks!
  • printing photos – obviously, you have to have your photos printed if you’re switching to film because it is what it is. Don’t defeat the purpose of taking film photos if you’re not going to have them displayed in a non-electronic/non-digital way.
  • watching old, favorite movies and seeing them in a new light – it’s surprising that some movies may mean different to you depending on which certain time of your life you have seen it.
  • my pussy red nails – I didn’t know there’s an even better shade of red other than the bloody type which I used to love bigtime until yesterday! And yes, that’s what it actually says on the label. I didn’t just make it up!
  • hope – it makes me happy that I’m the type who never loses hope. I can be down for a couple of days, but I stand right back up because there’s so much more to life than what I actually get to see at the moment. I don’t really want to sound cocky because I honestly feel happy that I haven’t given up yet despite the odds never ever being in my favor. ๐Ÿ˜› I know God will not let me down for a long time even though He has already! ๐Ÿ˜› JK! ๐Ÿ™‚

Spread the happiness ๐Ÿ™‚

 

One step at a time

So first things, first! I would like to give myself a pat on the back for……………ten-nen-ten-nen……………..RESIGNING! WOOOT! WOOOT! Obviously, I still haven’t allowed myself to let that piece of milestone in my life sink in yet! Seriously! 8 days after I passed the big letter (without any hesitations and with a BIG, CHUNKY SMILE ON MY FACE!), I still cannot believe that I did it! If you ask me, am I really happy with my decision?

It took me one long year and a great deal of courage and long, sleepless nights with accompanied crying fits at times to make this decision. So YES, if you’re asking me if I thought of this well enough. I apparently and wholeheartedly did think thoroughly of this well enough!

Looking back, I never thought I haven’t written anything in ages, to think that I went through a LOT all throughout those 7 months I was in hiding (criminal lang ang peg?). It could really take so much of ย your time, LIFE, right? In all my years of blog-hopping, I’ve had some fair share of disappointments after learning that a certain blogger I persistently follow suddenly deactivates his/her account or fails to update regularly due to lack of time. It would take them months before I could get another update from them that I would just be digesting for a couple of minutes. Then I’d have to wait patiently and agonizingly for another one. Pathetic, isn’t it? But now that my work has become my life for the past year, I realized that it really does eat so much of your time!!! I am not a celebrity but it kind of works the same way. You keep a blog, you rant for a couple of weeks or months, then you get so busy, you suddenly don’t give a crap out of writing for the next several months, then out of the blue, you just realize, “hey, I haven’t written in a long time, maybe I need to update my followers (if i still do)”.

But, as ironic as it sounds, I think I kind of like the idea that I got too engrossed in my job. In a way, it makes me feel proud to have a life (just not the life I still want to have right now). Thus the resignation! OHHH YEAAAHHH! ๐Ÿ™‚

I apologize if i sound a bit too much in-your-face-ish. It really just feels like I’m starting to discover who I ย  truly am. For a 23 year old, I know it may seem late to be called a late bloomer, but if it makes you feel complete and fulfilled then I guess there isn’t a definite age limit for this euphemism right?

I know, I know, I’ve been blabbing about how when I was in high school/college, I discovered my love for photography, digital art etc but i never had a chance to pursue this passion blah blah. You already know that (well you can refer back to my previous posts for all the emotional blah blahs I had in years if you have no idea what I am talking about here), but what i didn’t know I have is the guts to actually step up and make a decision so risky, I wouldn’t earn a certificate of employment from my current job. Yes, you read that right. I won’t dwell on it anymore because it would just disappoint me all over again.

Now, if you ask me, do I have any regrets? Of course I do! It’s not like this decision has been easy for me, especially that it has put a bit of an unbridgeable gap between my mother and I. If I put everything on a list, my regrets would have to be (listed from least to most heartbreaking):

  • I won’t get a certificate of employment – I regret not being able to prove that I worked hard for almost 1 1/2 years even though it is my right to have one.
  • I won’t be able to pierce through someone’s skin or vein anymore – yes, it’s true. The very thing I hated back when I was just starting would also be the thing that I would miss doing the most! (But i could always participate in medical missions if i want to, right?)
  • I won’t get to be with some of the best co-workers in the world – That is true again. I know there are people I won’t regret not seeing anymore and I know I never thought I’d have friends there, but it’s one of the things I thank God the most every day.
  • I won’t be called a nurse ever again – I would miss my family, friends and even boyfriend and their friends calling me and being proud of me being a nurse! This is the second on my list and definitely one of the things I think about almost everyday because being a nurse entails so much responsibilities and rewards as well.
  • It became the reason why my mother and I are not in good terms as of this moment – and it has been going on for some time now.

But I don’t want to have to dwell on those anymore. I’m pretty sure my mother would be happy for me too (like my father) sometime in the future. It’s not like she’s gonna ignore me forever right? Plus, I know that I would always be a nurse as long as I want to and I can practice venoclyzing anyone’s veins if I want to (as long as i renew my certificate and license) and I know that deep inside, the people who truly care for me would just be as happy as I am right now.

Before I end this entry, I would like to thank God for keeping me guided in all my thoughts and decisions. If it is not You who helped lead me into thinking that this is the right path for me, then I guess I’m headed for a big flop. Just go flush me down the drain now, will You? But I’m really hoping that this is what You also planned out for me. I know that in my heart, this is what I’m meant to do. And to my papa, the subject of my inspirational entries from time to time, I thank you for being the most creative and supportive father in the world. I know we’ve talked about this months ago and just recently, but you never closed any doors for me. You were always the one to tell us (my siblings and I) to always ask help from God. You were the soft-spoken parent that’s why though you have so much to say, good or bad, I took everything in without reservation. You listened that’s why you understood where I’m coming from. You gave me another chance because you’d want me to learn by myself and see the world through my own eyes and not yours. Most of all, you inspired me to be creative just like you. I may never be as good as you but you taught us well and you inspired us through your own works of art. I want to make you proud someday, you and mama! Thanks papa for all your photography lectures you handed down to me. Thanks for believing and trusting in me and thanks for this chance to help me find myself. Sabi mo nga, dugong artist ako diba? That short phrase means so much to me!

Going back to that one question above, Am i really happy with my decision? Well I think by now, you have figured it out. All I can say is that I’m not only happy that I am finally fulfilling a long time dream but also because even though I have so much at risk and regrets, but when I die and look back, I know I lived my life thinking that we all only live once! Happiness is a choice and this is what I choose to become. ๐Ÿ™‚

YOLO! Carpe Diem!

P.S. I just read my entry last October 4, 2012 and I had the exact same entry introduction and topic! ONE YEAR AGO! Coincidence? Serendipity? Is this meant to happen? Gives me goosebumps!