Life Lately / 12

000007.JPG

Gone were the days when I could write as often and as much as I can. At the moment, I am squeezing this teeny tiny time to write not because I have something spectacularly interesting to say, but only because my hands are itching to!

I used to always have all the time in the world to do whatever I want and I missed that since there is only so little that I could do with the free time I have off work (a.k.a. training). I couldn’t afford to slack nor to sleep longer than 4 hours, not even to go online  (yeah well not totally true), but just the same, I couldn’t do most of what a couch potato me has been doing for most of the time last year. I don’t even have the time to check my emails.

Today, all I want is time to relax, yet every time I think of getting a quick nap, I panic at the possibility that I could sleep through most of the day, therefore wasting time I should have spared for studying.

For this weekend, my goal is to completely memorize all 14 drugs in our division’s medication portfolio including their marketing communication and FAQ’s for our revalida on Wednesday.

I’m having doubts I can smoothly pass that test, but what the heck, I have something more to show them and I’m going to do what it takes to do that. Or not.

Lately, I’ve been having second thoughts, hearing mentors subtly and indirectly point out reasons why “I” cannot or should not go through with the training. I feel like I have made them lose their confidence in me and so they are somehow trying to discourage me by saying things such as “you have impressed no one with your awkwardness and dulling brain, therefore someone has been forced to take you instead of the other way around.” and “You have this weekend to think if this is the right job for you. You may back out if you don’t feel like being in this line of work and we won’t take it against you.” while looking directly at me.

Harsh. I know, but like what one of them also said, they might be actually doing me a favor.

I don’t think I can get those words out of my mind, nevertheless, I’m still determined to continue, (thanks to the encouraging words of my friend, Jan). I just want to believe in the fact that I am still here because God allowed for it to happen, this is where He led me to, where I should really be as I have prayed for ever so deeply; and so I trust that this is where He wants me to be.

I’m not happy with my performance as well, but with God’s grace, I hope I could do so much better especially on the final tests. I want this underdog to emerge a winner all for the glory of Him.

This is just one of the mountains I have yet to conquer. All for the glory of God!

000011

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

mars2

You

bring.jpg

They say that after a woman gives birth, she eventually forgets how painful the whole process is that she wouldn’t mind getting pregnant again and going through all the pain that she once went through.

I can’t help but see a resemblance in the way we feel about falling in and out of love. Love isn’t so much about the way the other person makes us feel. It should be way beyond that, for love is a choice, to stick through the pain and perils of finally giving away your heart entirely to someone who stole and eventually owned it.

I can say for sure how easily I find it to forget all the pain love has caused me because like magic, love has a way to make us feel so many emotions at once. Like magic, love can make us believe in the impossible. Like magic, love can overwhelm us and catch us off guard. Love can lift us up even when it wears us out over and over. Because love is magical and it gives us that giddy feeling in our stomach, we easily want more of it despite all the complications and pain that come with it.

In the past 5 years, I’ve lost count of the times I’ve gotten hurt or hurt the one I love, but we easily fought through all the hard times and negativity because we are just so persistent and determined like that. We just wouldn’t give up, at least not completely. We both are each other’s first loves and I know how first loves are messy and beautiful at the same time. I also know that despite those, we both love each other so much that we just wouldn’t let each other go, no matter how many times we’ve broken up; but sometimes, holding on can do more damage than letting go ever can.

I don’t even know if I’m doing it right, but I love you. I’ve found a best friend and a partner in you which no one can ever replace in my heart.

I hate the fact that our love seems so right, yet everything else feels so wrong. I hate that the we were given but a fleeting chance to love. I hate that you were given to me, yet will only be taken away. I hate that those that once cheered us on, now only want us apart. I hate that I now have to put away this ring with your name on it. I hate how the once sweet words we have for each other became bitter and sad. I hate that we always talked about marriage and having our own family, yet here we are back to being strangers again.I hate that our paths met, but never to remain intertwined like how I always dreamed of.

But just so you know, I don’t hate you. I don’t hate the fact that the whole universe seem to conspire to break us apart. I don’t even hate the fact that there is now a story of more woe than of Romeo and Juliet’s, and that is ours.

I love you and I hope that when you look at the stars at night, you see the world not as a traitor that robbed you of happiness. I wish that the brightly peppered sky rather remind you of the hope and happiness He promised to come. I hope that when I see you again, we both are rid of all the pain, have completely forgiven each other and eager and brave to love again (whether each other or strangers we have yet to meet), much like the women who fear not the pain of bringing another child into this curious, little world.

IMG_20161129_170317.jpg

Nobody said it was easy. Missing you already.

LRM_EXPORT_20161130_114431.jpg

1002247091395102230616

Friday’s 10 Happy Things, Volume 1

000012

I’ve become overly pessimistic and a bit of a downer the past couple of weeks, but I CANNOT not be thankful for things that still make me smile.

I was watching one of my favorite movies, “Elizabethtown” earlier. It’s one of those flicks that easily picks my mood back up. With Kirsten’s perky character, lovely clothes, and beautiful soundtrack, how can this movie ever go wrong?

On the contrary, with everything that I’ve been doing wrong in my life and with the sudden change in my perspective towards it, I’ve always avoided doing this “Friday” series because I don’t ever want to feel bad for not having 10 reasons to feel happy about each week, but I’m giving it a try tonight. I’m still not sure if I can get to the end of the list though, but it’s worth a try.

Since I’ve mentioned it earlier, let me start of with…

  1. This beautiful quote from Elizabethtown – “So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you’re still smiling.” 🙂
  2. Then there’s this really good news I’ve been waiting for in the mail:                                                                                                                                                                                           unnamed                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  They finally launched PHHHOTO for Android! (Photo from the company itself!)
  3. Then there’s OTWOL. Yes folks, I can’t believe I’m ever going to say this in this lifetime, but I’ve become a fan. Had you asked me a year ago, I would’ve responded with a big, fat MEH with eyes rolling, but what can I say? These 2 really make me smile and their time has finally come. Their show is the exact opposite of PSY, which is quite heavy and if it isn’t for #amorado, I wouldn’t be watching it anymore as it makes me feel even more depressed seeing Claudia and her uber nega vibe.
  4. I’ve filed 10 more vacation leaves up until the end of the year (all have been approved, I think?) and still have 2 left for conversion. Who would’ve thought?
  5. Was asked to join an online art magazine and my application….(should I jinx it by saying) got approved; and if that isn’t good news enough, the founder herself also told me a lot of things that I would forever keep in a safe place in my heart. No one else comes close! 😛 I don’t want to humblebrag so I’ll just keep it to myself, for now.
  6. In relation to #5, I told B about it and he was very happy for me, quite shocked too, but happy. I also have to commend him for making me smile and laugh despite me being a negatronic bumhead (which according to the urban dictionary is somebody who is annoying, negative, presents hermit like qualities, is sufficientlly awkward, irritating, stupid or a dumbass) for the longest time and I’m very grateful to him for being thoughtful and caring especially now. Your kakulitan and your endless love for me makes me so happy and giddy. You know that, right? 😛
  7. This made me smile and cry and it gave me goosebumps, as usual. It’s very hard for me not to get emotional when I see people do something they’re passionate about. They must really love the Foo Fighters so much! I remember “Learn To Fly” and Fatboy Slim’s “Weapon of Choice” with a much younger Christopher Walken are two of the most unforgettable videos I used to watch all the time on MTV when it was still on free tv!
  8. B’s text. Apparently, B and his family are stuck in their house with no electricity for 2 days now. Water in their area hasn’t yet receded #typhoonlando, so they have to go all the way to this grocery store powered by a generator just to charge their phones. I got his text a few hours when I got home from work and since I haven’t heard from him since last night, you can just imagine how happy I was to get a text from him.
  9. I’m getting my Daykeeper Planner next week!
  10. God made me smile. I was literally looking him in the eye (on His portrait in my room) thanking him profusely for granting me something I’ve been wishing and praying for, for a long time and for reminding me how merciful and kind He really is. Yay! I made it to the end and before the clock struck 12! ACHIEVE!

My Own Little Sacrifice

The past weeks, and as I have mentioned in my “Currently” entry, I have been having tiny bits of “suffering”. Yeah they’re not major ones like what Jesus endured during His time on earth but it’s been bothering me for a pretty long time.

  • There’s the little issue with the boyfriend
  • Then my lola’s hospitalization
  • Then there’s my tita’s scary cervical spine injury (she had to stay with us for a while)
  • After everything, came my cholelithiasis/appendicitis scare

In the midst of all these, I was just grabbing hold of Jesus’ hand (trying hard not to let go). I went to St. Pio chapel a couple of times. I even brought my sick tita and cousin there, a week ago. I’m being hopeful and positive still that these are just part of our own little crosses (compared to Jesus’ cross) that we do have to carry, especially since it’s the Lenten season. I was just trying to convince myself to offer everything to God especially in these most trying times because every bad thing will eventually come to pass, right?

True enough, my lola went home and is currently back on her feet (makulit na ulit as of this weekend), my tita didn’t need surgery and is just having therapy thrice a week, my HBT ultrasound was entirely negative and my pancreas, liver and gallbladder are all working fine. B and I are still making it work despite some issues. I’m finally able to breathe again and to cap of the Lenten season, we (my sister pala) booked a 3-day, 2-night stay in Pagudpod to spend time together as a family.

Then came the heartbreaking news, super typhoon Chedeng has just entered the PAR and making it’s way to the north west part of Luzon.

I know it sounds selfish but I’m half-wishing that it would be strong enough to make our trip today worth cancelling, or at least worth a refund of my sister’s money, or perhaps a rebooking or rescheduling? Although, I might not be able to request for another VL, at least not anytime soon.

We were all looking forward to this trip. We’ve been to Ilocos a couple of times the past years because we’ve all just started meeting and catching up with family there. Who knew right? But this was going to be our first time in Pagudpod because no one really liked driving too far up north, in the past. My father has been even having second thoughts days before because he feels like travelling that far by car is whole body pain just waiting to happen.

I want to still be positive on this but I can’t think of anything that can make me feel okay right now. It’s our first Holy Week in our entire lives to go on a vacation. Every year, we’d go on Visita Iglesia without fail. Maybe He just doesn’t want us having fun this week like the rest of the world or at least the rest of the beach loving kids do? But we’ve put it on our itinerary to visit churches in Ilocos, can’t that be valid enough for us to go on to this trip? 😦

Well, I just hope that the storm will spare everyone’s life and homes this week. For now I think, we’ll all just stay at home and rot (not bitter). Kidding aside, I’m still praying for a good time well spent with my family. After all, it’s what this vacation leave is for. I also think that God’s trying to make papansin, asking us to read the Bible or pray. I know I haven’t been reading the Bible lately, though I’ve been praying/asking for a lot. I admit I haven’t been able to thank Him for a lot of things too. Maybe it’s His way of getting our attention, right?

These are my own little sacrifices. I’ve never been this sad about Lent before, but maybe this is how it should truly be observed.

Last night I was tumblr-ing and I can’t help but stop and reflect deeply about this specific post by Spiritual Inspiration:

insp1

“…And in an instant, suddenly, you shall be visited and delivered by the Lord of hosts…” (Isaiah 29:5–6, AMP)

Throughout the Bible, we have examples of how God suddenly showed Himself strong on behalf of His people. But sometimes when we’ve struggled in an area for a long time, it’s easy to just give up and accept things the way they are. One of the enemy’s favorite lies is to tell you that nothing is ever going to change. He’ll tell you that you’re never going to get well, that your marriage isn’t going to work out, that you’re never going to break that addiction. But I want to tell you today, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in those circumstances, God can change things in an instant! In a split second of time, He can turn it all around. One touch of God’s power can heal your body. One touch of His favor can promote you. One touch of His goodness can solve that problem. Just one touch from Almighty God can instantly change your life.

I encourage you today, keep believing, keep standing, and keep hoping. Don’t let the enemy drag your thoughts down because God is working behind the scenes. Your time is coming, and I declare that your breakthrough is going to happen suddenly — in an instant!

and by this one too…

insp2

New Year

Yes, this looks exactly like my new year post on my photo blog, having the same title and photos, but I wanted this to be more heartfelt than the other post already is!

I was pouring my heart out to someone earlier that it made me finally write something after a long time! I couldn’t get myself to write that year-ender entry I’ve been meaning to since November because of all the Christmas preparations and holiday celebrations.

I still haven’t organized my thoughts to do that yet so I’m postponing it for another week. Right now, I just feel like I should, in Taylor Swift’s words, “shake it off”!

Everyone gets a little hopeful every time a new year starts, including me. New Years give you hope of having a completely clean slate to start life anew; like it’s acceptable, only for that fleeting moment between 11:59-12:00 am, for anyone to just leave the bad behind and look forward to anything that can make the previous year better.

This year, tried as I might to shake off all the fears, negativity, guilt and sadness, I couldn’t! It’s been bothering me for the last few hours that I couldn’t help but vent it out to a friend. Maybe that’s why I’ve been painting in breaks between preparations yesterday, to calm the nerves!

I know I was such a terrible person last year and I couldn’t tell if I still am or not, and now I’m afraid that despite everything I’ve been through last year, I’m bound to fail again this year. I’m afraid that there wouldn’t be anything good for me anymore after all the bad things that 2014 has given me. I’m pretty sure that 2014 was one of the most challenging and heartbreaking years of my life, not to mention the lowest point in my life. Just thinking about the choices and decisions I’ve made makes me want to cringe. What’s worse is that I don’t know if I have learned anything from all my failures. It feels like I’m still the same, old me!

One thing I’ve done though before the year ended is patch things up with the people I’ve been in conflict with, all of which are friends. Though it still didn’t feel right and I guess things wouldn’t be the same as before, but I’ve already accepted that fact long before I decided to apologize to them.

So what else am I looking forward to now? What are my resolutions? What am I leaving behind?

Honestly, I’m still very much overwhelmed by fear, but it helps that I’m still alive to think that I do have a purpose that I need to fulfill. Only God knows how messed up my life really is right now, and I’m thankful that He never got tired of me, a sinner, not even once and the blessings I got this year are evidence to that.

09960005Right now, I feel completely stripped off of everything, like I’m naked, with no one else to get inspiration and strength from but from the people closest to my heart, my family, a few friends and God. So for now, all I want is to get back up and maybe, just maybe take baby steps to fix my self and my life. After all, the sun still rises and I still wake up to see it!