My Own Little Sacrifice

The past weeks, and as I have mentioned in my “Currently” entry, I have been having tiny bits of “suffering”. Yeah they’re not major ones like what Jesus endured during His time on earth but it’s been bothering me for a pretty long time.

  • There’s the little issue with the boyfriend
  • Then my lola’s hospitalization
  • Then there’s my tita’s scary cervical spine injury (she had to stay with us for a while)
  • After everything, came my cholelithiasis/appendicitis scare

In the midst of all these, I was just grabbing hold of Jesus’ hand (trying hard not to let go). I went to St. Pio chapel a couple of times. I even brought my sick tita and cousin there, a week ago. I’m being hopeful and positive still that these are just part of our own little crosses (compared to Jesus’ cross) that we do have to carry, especially since it’s the Lenten season. I was just trying to convince myself to offer everything to God especially in these most trying times because every bad thing will eventually come to pass, right?

True enough, my lola went home and is currently back on her feet (makulit na ulit as of this weekend), my tita didn’t need surgery and is just having therapy thrice a week, my HBT ultrasound was entirely negative and my pancreas, liver and gallbladder are all working fine. B and I are still making it work despite some issues. I’m finally able to breathe again and to cap of the Lenten season, we (my sister pala) booked a 3-day, 2-night stay in Pagudpod to spend time together as a family.

Then came the heartbreaking news, super typhoon Chedeng has just entered the PAR and making it’s way to the north west part of Luzon.

I know it sounds selfish but I’m half-wishing that it would be strong enough to make our trip today worth cancelling, or at least worth a refund of my sister’s money, or perhaps a rebooking or rescheduling? Although, I might not be able to request for another VL, at least not anytime soon.

We were all looking forward to this trip. We’ve been to Ilocos a couple of times the past years because we’ve all just started meeting and catching up with family there. Who knew right? But this was going to be our first time in Pagudpod because no one really liked driving too far up north, in the past. My father has been even having second thoughts days before because he feels like travelling that far by car is whole body pain just waiting to happen.

I want to still be positive on this but I can’t think of anything that can make me feel okay right now. It’s our first Holy Week in our entire lives to go on a vacation. Every year, we’d go on Visita Iglesia without fail. Maybe He just doesn’t want us having fun this week like the rest of the world or at least the rest of the beach loving kids do? But we’ve put it on our itinerary to visit churches in Ilocos, can’t that be valid enough for us to go on to this trip? 😦

Well, I just hope that the storm will spare everyone’s life and homes this week. For now I think, we’ll all just stay at home and rot (not bitter). Kidding aside, I’m still praying for a good time well spent with my family. After all, it’s what this vacation leave is for. I also think that God’s trying to make papansin, asking us to read the Bible or pray. I know I haven’t been reading the Bible lately, though I’ve been praying/asking for a lot. I admit I haven’t been able to thank Him for a lot of things too. Maybe it’s His way of getting our attention, right?

These are my own little sacrifices. I’ve never been this sad about Lent before, but maybe this is how it should truly be observed.

Last night I was tumblr-ing and I can’t help but stop and reflect deeply about this specific post by Spiritual Inspiration:

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“…And in an instant, suddenly, you shall be visited and delivered by the Lord of hosts…” (Isaiah 29:5–6, AMP)

Throughout the Bible, we have examples of how God suddenly showed Himself strong on behalf of His people. But sometimes when we’ve struggled in an area for a long time, it’s easy to just give up and accept things the way they are. One of the enemy’s favorite lies is to tell you that nothing is ever going to change. He’ll tell you that you’re never going to get well, that your marriage isn’t going to work out, that you’re never going to break that addiction. But I want to tell you today, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in those circumstances, God can change things in an instant! In a split second of time, He can turn it all around. One touch of God’s power can heal your body. One touch of His favor can promote you. One touch of His goodness can solve that problem. Just one touch from Almighty God can instantly change your life.

I encourage you today, keep believing, keep standing, and keep hoping. Don’t let the enemy drag your thoughts down because God is working behind the scenes. Your time is coming, and I declare that your breakthrough is going to happen suddenly — in an instant!

and by this one too…

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Love and sacrifice: Not always a bad thing

Happy Easter everyone and in light of this special event in all our lives (other religions included), I think it would be fitting for me to express my own perspective on love and its partner-in-crime, sacrifice!

It’s true what I said about sacrifice not always being a bad thing. I don’t know if it is just a good vibe kicking in or a post-holy week bug, but it still probably differs on how one takes it in. Take for example Jesus‘ death on the cross. It was both a sacrifice in His and God’s part (although They’re one) and a bloody one at that. A not so positive person may take it as a sad thing, but a more optimistic one can look at it as a gift from above. Although they may have different views on it, one can’t deny that either way, the act itself can and would evoke a positive realization for both of them, and that is a sense of gratitude. 

This holy week, my boyfriend wasn’t spared of my ever changing mood swings. It was supposed to be a part of my sacrifice this Lent to save him of all the drama, unfortunately it didn’t happen……….until today! We fought again early this morning (at around 1 am) over the phone and it wasn’t until I decided to read “The Fault in Our Stars” did I realize how lucky we are to have each other. Right then and there, I sent him of the most malambing text message I could compose at that moment, suddenly realizing how sacrifice is always going to be part of that pretty thing we call L-O-V-E. 

Our love story isn’t much of a secret, not to my barkada and FB friends at the least. There’s no one to blame but us. I guess we owe it to the public……….(CHAROOOOOOOOOT! artista lang?) Kidding aside, it started as an open book for everyone to see (I guess I felt it was so much more special to share it with the people who were ever as supportive from the start), which is why most if not all were also witnesses to our fights (which we took to twitter all the time, for a long time). It was only recently when we started “growing up” that we decided not to be too public about our relationship. No one really cares anyway and it makes us look cheap and very, very immature. So going back to my point, our relationship, being too “social” and too out in the open, most if not all of our friends must know how we have way too many fights, more than any other couple in the world could have in a lifetime. 

This explains why I often break up with him. OFTEN doesn’t even give justice to the million times I did, but you get my point. Our most recent one was about a certain dream of his that I just couldn’t get myself to accept. It has been a problem of ours for a long time, but one day, I decided that I love him too much to give our relationship up just for that. So for the longest time, I put on my supportive girlfriend plaque and cheered him on countless times. Then came a time wherein he was given another opportunity to be one step closer to his dream (although it was more of a step closer to “something related” to his dream, not exactly his dream) and I acted up and made the decision for him and it wasn’t a good one. To cut the story short, he sacrificed that chance for me and he lied to my face to save ourselves another argument. When I learned that he passed the chance just because I said so (even when I half-heartedly urged him to get it already), I got mad and burst into another “topak“. 

I could be a real, big pain in the butt, I admit, and somehow a break up is all I could think of whenever I feel like I’m holding him back from being the person he dreams to be. Isn’t that a good point and something a good person could have done if he/she were in my position? That is a big enough sacrifice to make me a modern day saint! Not funny, I know, I’m sorry! Then again, I realized that this guy has been one of the most wonderful people in my life right now and I could not afford to lose someone like him. I have to keep him and I have to think of a way how to and at the same time, not let him lose himself. There’s only one way I could think of and that is to love him. How exactly do I do that? Well that’s where the big S comes in. 

Just thinking of it makes me sick to my stomach, but that’s how love works. It’s not always all fireworks and dreamy starry skies. It has to be able to sustain through the stormy weather and excruciatingly torturous fights. That’s when I saw Jesus’ image being nailed to the cross. He loves us that much that despite Him being omnipotent, chose to be HUMAN and powerless against us, sinners and gave His own life for us. I told B a lot of times that I could sacrifice my own life for him, but how can I not accept his dream, the only thing that makes him hopeful for a meaningful life? That’s a rather much smaller sacrifice than giving up my life for him, isn’t it?

So you see, this not so unusual tandem of love and sacrifice is a power couple all along! It is the Brangelina and Jay-Z-Beyonce of the virtues and it isn’t always a bad thing! 

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