No More Wasted Nights

I don’t remember falling asleep last night; although I am sure I went to bed early as I was dead tired from the equally excruciating weather and job of mine.

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I woke up at 2:30-ish this morning and I realized that I didn’t take a bath before I went to bed, just as I would have wanted. I heard the water still running in the bath. Oooops, I did it again!

I couldn’t stand the heat so I had a quick bath, yep in the wee hours of the morning and I haven’t slept since.

As usual, I went to scour my phone for likes. I posted another film photo on my gram. I watched Chris Evans and Elizabeth Olsen on Ellen. I looked it up to see if they were dating. I was relieved to find out they weren’t, but who can prove that? Then, I began thinking whether I’d ever get myself my very own Chris Evans with America’s ass. JK.

I put down my phone for a bit, but I still couldn’t go back to sleep.

So, I decided I’d read my Neil Gaiman book, hoping it would eventually get me sleepy, but it didn’t. I got it from the Book Binge Bazaar of National Bookstore here in Cebu. I finished chapter 9, which is his “MAKE GOOD ART” speech for the graduates of University of Arts in Philadelphia. I ended on page 495 this afternoon while waiting to cover an oncologist, not knowing that the chapter ends in page 496. 

I went on to read the next chapter, “The View from the Cheap Seats“, which is also the book’s title. It was eye-opening and a little amusing as it talks about his Oscar’s experience, with all the celebrities he did and did not know. After that, I proceeded to reading the introduction. Just as he said in it, I was right in thinking that this book can be read in no particular order, as it is a collection of his speeches and essays. It is very engaging. It didn’t make me want to go back to sleep.

Instead, it made me want to make good art and to write this entry.

1 1/2 chapters into the book, yet I’ve already got loads of takeaways from the book.

I like what he said on how to focus on a goal and how not to get sidetracked by doing work that pays but isn’t in line with your objectives. I also like the way he sees making art as a lifesaver, because it would get you through good and bad times.

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It also is very timely that I got his book at this point in my life as I am faced with a crossroads once again. Just as he didn’t, I also don’t want to be stuck in a position that would lead me further away from my goal, so I need to make decisions may they make or break me.

I am turning 30 this year yet I feel like I might as well retire from work, just because I’m tired of doing something I do not love. It is pathetic.

Good thing though, I have a good support system as ever. I did get over my little dramatic moment with my boss a week ago and I’m choosing to fight this battle as courageous as possible, with the help from God and my loved ones of course. 

I had to get out of the house quickly and early this morning as my landlady warned me that people are fixing our street today. I am stuck in my car in the hospital parking lot because all of our clients are in Manila for the PCP convention. So I guess, I’m gonna make that art now!

P.S. I am so in love with my photos that were scanned by Sunny 16 Lab!

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P.S. 2, I am so in love with Avengers Endgame. I watched it alone, and I’m glad I did!

P.S. 3, No more wasted nights is from one of my favorite songs to date by ONE OK. And yes, I’ll keep doing what I want, I want, I want. No more wasted nights!

Off to make good art now!

 

 

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World in B&W

Have you ever thought what the world would be like in black and white?

Would it be like a Charlie Chaplin movie where everything is mime-like?

Would there be complete silence?

Would it be better or would it be the loneliest thing you could ever imagine?

Black and white to me seems quieter, and more peaceful. There would be less pretention and more expression. It would bring about a more careful understanding of the world as there would be more focus and observation on the substance rather than the superficial.

Life in Freedom

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Life with courage is a life in freedom.

There are many words to define freedom and courage isn’t one of them, but if you wanna simplify the vast concept that is freedom, you’d most likely realize that huge part of it is brought about by courage. Now, I’m more confused.

Today, we celebrate Philippine’s 120th Independence Day.

When I hear that phrase, I always picture this humongous UFO hovering slowly over the sky and Will Smith on his yard looking at it like it was going to be his last day on earth. It creeps me out every time, but setting that feeling aside, I know that it is one of the iconic films of courage of our lifetime.

When you go 120 years back, ALL of the people we consider heroes today had extraordinary courage which, I should say was a major weapon against our colonists.

So maybe now you get why there is such an analogy between FREEDOM and COURAGE.

If you put it in a more contemporary setting, we could say that life lived with courage is a life in freedom. If you choose to brave heartache, failure, disappointment and all the negative but completely normal life stuff, then you choose to live freely as well.

The question is, do you? Do you choose to live your life courageously?

There are things that I want to change in my life that requires a whole lot of courage. I want to be able to face life as if it can never harm me or bring me down, even if it can and it will.

I want to be able to let go of the past, of the fears that only I inflict on myself to allow myself to open up to new people, to new possibilities.

I want to be able to do have the courage to do what I love even if it means taking a risky leap of faith.

I want to be able to express myself even if not everyone would agree with me.

I want to be brave enough to make a difference in the world even if it would seem impossible.

I want to be brave enough to do as I please without allowing the words of others easily pierce through me.

I want to be free from all these fears and live my life the way I want to, without hurting anyone, and without allowing people who hurt me to also take out the flame in me. This is my life. I will live it more courageously!

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Screwball

I did it! I screwed my life over again.

Earlier today, as I was lugging 2 boxes of promotional materials down four flights of stairs from our apartment, I was thinking, is this what God wants me to do in life? Is this the life I’ve chosen?

Funny how I always get these thoughts clouding my mind whenever I am alone on a stairway. Could that be any more dramatic?

I mean, if I were to choose, I would always go for getting surprise-attacked by a bunch of zombies on a dark fire exit rather than having any of these depressing thoughts.

Well anyway, I’m here. This is the life that was laid out for me. So in between waking up in the middle of the night and tossing and turning in bed, I pray that I get to live this life the way I want to and the way God has planned.

Just needed to let out some of these thoughts in my head because they’re getting way out of hand. There’s a lot more coming, but I’d rather keep these rants short.

I’m so tired of screwing up. God please help me get to where I need to be.

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