Life Lately / 8

Booohoo!! I didn’t get to write anything for March! I made myself a promise never to do this again because I want to be able to always look back on my life. Plus, I feel so OCOC with the archives list on the side of my blog. You see, if you scroll down, you’ll see that the months actually form a perfect wave and it looks pretty! Haha babaw!

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Anyway, I’ve been kind of dreading writing again and doing a whole bunch of other things I used to like doing and I’m not sure why. Maybe I’ve lost interest or the drive and it kills me because I seriously have been doing nothing but bumming around lately.

I feel so hopeless and it scares the heck out of me, but to be fair, my life has taken surprising, little detours these past weeks, which I’ve absolutely never expected.

For one, my grandma died on March 15 after 2 weeks of hospital stay and about 2 more weeks of being completely bed bound at home. I should write a separate entry for this. I still couldn’t believe it, but at the same time, I feel like I don’t feel anything at all. Weird.

I have also reconciled with my barkada and I’m eternally grateful to God and to them for loving me beyond I could ever have imagined. It just made me feel as if windows have been opened up for me when doors have been shut in my life.

Because of that, I have also started reconciling with some other friends I’ve lost touch with!

I’ve also started being more active on social media and this time, I don’t feel as jealous of my friends who have found success in their own individual careers, and that is definitely a good thing for me!

I’m still unemployed for about 2 months now, not to mention back to being single and my life is still nowhere near reaching any of my precious, big dreams (Do I even have those?) and I have no idea when I’ll get my life started. My life still sucks and it seems so much worse now that I don’t feel anything at all or that it seems like I don’t have any ambition anymore. It scares me.

I was reading Saab‘s little Q&A with her fans earlier and I was bothered with this very short but very scary reality check:

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Thinking about it, I’m like 2/3 of those things! Makes me wanna say “what the heck am I doing with my life?!?!?!?!” again and again!

It’s my father’s birthday today and this time next year, he’ll be retiring. My mom was doing her thing again, making discreet, little funny jokes of me retiring earlier than my father will. And even if I don’t want that to bother me and put more pressure on me, I can’t because it’s eating me alive inside!

So what exactly do I want?

I have no clue. I seriously used to have so many things in mind, I used to have so many dreams but now I have nothing. I can’t think of what I want to be in the future. I am hopeless.

I seriously need to do some soul searching this year!

30 Day Writing Challenge: DAY 8

Share something you struggle with

I see people reaching the peak of their lives at such a young age, while I find myself struggling to find the path to where I’m supposed to be.

I’m currently watching Project Runway: Threads, which is very timely and also like a very big jab to the gut seeing contestants as young as 10 sewing and creating their own clothes! I can barely stitch a straight line using a sewing machine! These kids are geniuses!

What I’m saying is, how did these kids realize what they’re supposed to do in life at that age when an adult like me is having a hard time figuring out my purpose in life? At 25, I’m supposed to have savings, a car or a house, or my whole life planned out. Well, to be fair, I’ve made plans my whole life, but that’s it, nothing seemed to have fallen into place, yet.

As I grow older, I become even more scared that it’s also getting too late for me to be still on the stage of figuring out a life that I’m supposed to have. I’m scared that the world has no more room for another human being with dreams of becoming another photographer or writer or an artist. I’m also scared that all these fears would soon eat and swallow me whole into an abyss where I couldn’t get out of. I’m just going to drown in misery and regret with no future and nothing to hold on to. I’m scared that I’m just existing, and not really living.

I’m struggling with all these fears in mind, but there are still times when I see a light at the end of this darkness, finding hope and positivity just when I need them the most.

I definitely have these guys to blame! Oh, what a messed up crew I have up there!

Inside-Out
photo links back to owner

Kidding aside, I’m still wishing, dreaming and hoping that a few years from now, I’m gonna be reading this exact entry and think, “I’ve definitely come a long way since that unfortunate day!” 🙂