Life Lately / 11

I woke up at 4:18am today and I don’t remember going back to sleep.

At 5:30am, just before sunrise, I went out to get some air, although a bit hesitant because of the cold.

Still, I sat outside in darkness and prayed.

29600019.JPG

I’m getting anxious again for I know that in a few days, I’ll be getting on a roller coaster ride, I don’t even know if I’ll survive.

Then I talked to Him, like I always do–as if talking to a friend. I told him how much I want to be a photographer someday and I’ll do what it takes to get there.

I told Him even if He already knew that I recently spoke with someone who’s passionate about photography too and how in a way, that shook me out of a long slumber. I was wakened by his eagerness and enthusiasm. I was inspired to follow my own dreams just as he is.

For a moment, I was envious of him for he’s young yet he knows what he wants and he works hard to get it. For a moment, I wanted to go back in time and wish I could have been braver to do the same.

Superia200000044.JPG

I wish I could have figured this out sooner.

But regrets are useless to dwell upon. I value more the opportune chance I was given to clear my head and to see what remains constant and that is my dream. That is my heart’s desire.

I’m glad He allowed this to happen so I could see that this dream is within reach. I’m glad He helped me make up my mind and know for sure within the depths of my mind, heart and soul that this is what I truly want. I hope that this is what He wants for me as well.

I promise, that it will all be for Your glory.

Thank You for the subtle nudges You make. Thank You for sending angels time and time again.

20560004.JPGmars2

 

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters”

– Colossians 3:17, 23

 

Advertisements

Friday’s 10 Happy Things, Volume 1

000012

I’ve become overly pessimistic and a bit of a downer the past couple of weeks, but I CANNOT not be thankful for things that still make me smile.

I was watching one of my favorite movies, “Elizabethtown” earlier. It’s one of those flicks that easily picks my mood back up. With Kirsten’s perky character, lovely clothes, and beautiful soundtrack, how can this movie ever go wrong?

On the contrary, with everything that I’ve been doing wrong in my life and with the sudden change in my perspective towards it, I’ve always avoided doing this “Friday” series because I don’t ever want to feel bad for not having 10 reasons to feel happy about each week, but I’m giving it a try tonight. I’m still not sure if I can get to the end of the list though, but it’s worth a try.

Since I’ve mentioned it earlier, let me start of with…

  1. This beautiful quote from Elizabethtown – “So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you’re still smiling.” 🙂
  2. Then there’s this really good news I’ve been waiting for in the mail:                                                                                                                                                                                           unnamed                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  They finally launched PHHHOTO for Android! (Photo from the company itself!)
  3. Then there’s OTWOL. Yes folks, I can’t believe I’m ever going to say this in this lifetime, but I’ve become a fan. Had you asked me a year ago, I would’ve responded with a big, fat MEH with eyes rolling, but what can I say? These 2 really make me smile and their time has finally come. Their show is the exact opposite of PSY, which is quite heavy and if it isn’t for #amorado, I wouldn’t be watching it anymore as it makes me feel even more depressed seeing Claudia and her uber nega vibe.
  4. I’ve filed 10 more vacation leaves up until the end of the year (all have been approved, I think?) and still have 2 left for conversion. Who would’ve thought?
  5. Was asked to join an online art magazine and my application….(should I jinx it by saying) got approved; and if that isn’t good news enough, the founder herself also told me a lot of things that I would forever keep in a safe place in my heart. No one else comes close! 😛 I don’t want to humblebrag so I’ll just keep it to myself, for now.
  6. In relation to #5, I told B about it and he was very happy for me, quite shocked too, but happy. I also have to commend him for making me smile and laugh despite me being a negatronic bumhead (which according to the urban dictionary is somebody who is annoying, negative, presents hermit like qualities, is sufficientlly awkward, irritating, stupid or a dumbass) for the longest time and I’m very grateful to him for being thoughtful and caring especially now. Your kakulitan and your endless love for me makes me so happy and giddy. You know that, right? 😛
  7. This made me smile and cry and it gave me goosebumps, as usual. It’s very hard for me not to get emotional when I see people do something they’re passionate about. They must really love the Foo Fighters so much! I remember “Learn To Fly” and Fatboy Slim’s “Weapon of Choice” with a much younger Christopher Walken are two of the most unforgettable videos I used to watch all the time on MTV when it was still on free tv!
  8. B’s text. Apparently, B and his family are stuck in their house with no electricity for 2 days now. Water in their area hasn’t yet receded #typhoonlando, so they have to go all the way to this grocery store powered by a generator just to charge their phones. I got his text a few hours when I got home from work and since I haven’t heard from him since last night, you can just imagine how happy I was to get a text from him.
  9. I’m getting my Daykeeper Planner next week!
  10. God made me smile. I was literally looking him in the eye (on His portrait in my room) thanking him profusely for granting me something I’ve been wishing and praying for, for a long time and for reminding me how merciful and kind He really is. Yay! I made it to the end and before the clock struck 12! ACHIEVE!

New life

I’ve been meaning to get a job in the past few months and, lo and behold, here I am, a few months after, on my first day at my new job! And just like anything new that comes into your life, it always comes with this feeling of uncertainty, discomfort and fear. I’m not saying that this is not a breath of fresh air and a big blessing because it is, but the thing is, there’s still something missing.

I’m actually beginning to doubt my ability to stay long in one company. I’m even getting more scared that I’m turning into that girl stereotyped by my parents and most people their age as part of the younger generation who are never content, especially when it comes to work.

It’s just that people always make movies that make us believe in dreams and in living these dreams no matter how impossible they can be. Then they would further quote the lines from these movies stressing the fact that one should be idealistic instead of being realistic. How can you not dream big, right?

Going back to my new job, I feel that I’m even more out of place than ever. What am I thinking? I don’t even see people coming from prestigious schools anymore (not that people who came from other schools are not as special). But then again, I keep telling myself, this is just the start of getting back on track. I always think that to get to the top, you must learn to start at the bottom. So here I am, trying to earn money (ehem ehem at the bottom) just so I could chase the dream I’ve had in mind for a long time (without asking any more from my parents, not even my daily allowance).

I know most people (like my parents’ office mates and other relatives) find it odd that I now work here, but like what the CEO said  in his talk yesterday, I should be proud that I’m helping build better lives through education. It might not be the perfect choice at the moment, but it is just as rewarding as any job that renders service out there.

I just wish that the next job I get is really, really, really the one for me and that I may be able to achieve my goal for myself one day at a time. 🙂

TING POSITIVE! TING! TING! TING!

Image

my table earlier today 🙂 #firstdayhigh

One step at a time

So first things, first! I would like to give myself a pat on the back for……………ten-nen-ten-nen……………..RESIGNING! WOOOT! WOOOT! Obviously, I still haven’t allowed myself to let that piece of milestone in my life sink in yet! Seriously! 8 days after I passed the big letter (without any hesitations and with a BIG, CHUNKY SMILE ON MY FACE!), I still cannot believe that I did it! If you ask me, am I really happy with my decision?

It took me one long year and a great deal of courage and long, sleepless nights with accompanied crying fits at times to make this decision. So YES, if you’re asking me if I thought of this well enough. I apparently and wholeheartedly did think thoroughly of this well enough!

Looking back, I never thought I haven’t written anything in ages, to think that I went through a LOT all throughout those 7 months I was in hiding (criminal lang ang peg?). It could really take so much of  your time, LIFE, right? In all my years of blog-hopping, I’ve had some fair share of disappointments after learning that a certain blogger I persistently follow suddenly deactivates his/her account or fails to update regularly due to lack of time. It would take them months before I could get another update from them that I would just be digesting for a couple of minutes. Then I’d have to wait patiently and agonizingly for another one. Pathetic, isn’t it? But now that my work has become my life for the past year, I realized that it really does eat so much of your time!!! I am not a celebrity but it kind of works the same way. You keep a blog, you rant for a couple of weeks or months, then you get so busy, you suddenly don’t give a crap out of writing for the next several months, then out of the blue, you just realize, “hey, I haven’t written in a long time, maybe I need to update my followers (if i still do)”.

But, as ironic as it sounds, I think I kind of like the idea that I got too engrossed in my job. In a way, it makes me feel proud to have a life (just not the life I still want to have right now). Thus the resignation! OHHH YEAAAHHH! 🙂

I apologize if i sound a bit too much in-your-face-ish. It really just feels like I’m starting to discover who I   truly am. For a 23 year old, I know it may seem late to be called a late bloomer, but if it makes you feel complete and fulfilled then I guess there isn’t a definite age limit for this euphemism right?

I know, I know, I’ve been blabbing about how when I was in high school/college, I discovered my love for photography, digital art etc but i never had a chance to pursue this passion blah blah. You already know that (well you can refer back to my previous posts for all the emotional blah blahs I had in years if you have no idea what I am talking about here), but what i didn’t know I have is the guts to actually step up and make a decision so risky, I wouldn’t earn a certificate of employment from my current job. Yes, you read that right. I won’t dwell on it anymore because it would just disappoint me all over again.

Now, if you ask me, do I have any regrets? Of course I do! It’s not like this decision has been easy for me, especially that it has put a bit of an unbridgeable gap between my mother and I. If I put everything on a list, my regrets would have to be (listed from least to most heartbreaking):

  • I won’t get a certificate of employment – I regret not being able to prove that I worked hard for almost 1 1/2 years even though it is my right to have one.
  • I won’t be able to pierce through someone’s skin or vein anymore – yes, it’s true. The very thing I hated back when I was just starting would also be the thing that I would miss doing the most! (But i could always participate in medical missions if i want to, right?)
  • I won’t get to be with some of the best co-workers in the world – That is true again. I know there are people I won’t regret not seeing anymore and I know I never thought I’d have friends there, but it’s one of the things I thank God the most every day.
  • I won’t be called a nurse ever again – I would miss my family, friends and even boyfriend and their friends calling me and being proud of me being a nurse! This is the second on my list and definitely one of the things I think about almost everyday because being a nurse entails so much responsibilities and rewards as well.
  • It became the reason why my mother and I are not in good terms as of this moment – and it has been going on for some time now.

But I don’t want to have to dwell on those anymore. I’m pretty sure my mother would be happy for me too (like my father) sometime in the future. It’s not like she’s gonna ignore me forever right? Plus, I know that I would always be a nurse as long as I want to and I can practice venoclyzing anyone’s veins if I want to (as long as i renew my certificate and license) and I know that deep inside, the people who truly care for me would just be as happy as I am right now.

Before I end this entry, I would like to thank God for keeping me guided in all my thoughts and decisions. If it is not You who helped lead me into thinking that this is the right path for me, then I guess I’m headed for a big flop. Just go flush me down the drain now, will You? But I’m really hoping that this is what You also planned out for me. I know that in my heart, this is what I’m meant to do. And to my papa, the subject of my inspirational entries from time to time, I thank you for being the most creative and supportive father in the world. I know we’ve talked about this months ago and just recently, but you never closed any doors for me. You were always the one to tell us (my siblings and I) to always ask help from God. You were the soft-spoken parent that’s why though you have so much to say, good or bad, I took everything in without reservation. You listened that’s why you understood where I’m coming from. You gave me another chance because you’d want me to learn by myself and see the world through my own eyes and not yours. Most of all, you inspired me to be creative just like you. I may never be as good as you but you taught us well and you inspired us through your own works of art. I want to make you proud someday, you and mama! Thanks papa for all your photography lectures you handed down to me. Thanks for believing and trusting in me and thanks for this chance to help me find myself. Sabi mo nga, dugong artist ako diba? That short phrase means so much to me!

Going back to that one question above, Am i really happy with my decision? Well I think by now, you have figured it out. All I can say is that I’m not only happy that I am finally fulfilling a long time dream but also because even though I have so much at risk and regrets, but when I die and look back, I know I lived my life thinking that we all only live once! Happiness is a choice and this is what I choose to become. 🙂

YOLO! Carpe Diem!

P.S. I just read my entry last October 4, 2012 and I had the exact same entry introduction and topic! ONE YEAR AGO! Coincidence? Serendipity? Is this meant to happen? Gives me goosebumps!