Saying Goodbye to My Lola (part I)

I can’t really say my grandma and I were close, because we were more than close. I owe her the first two years of my existence (along with my deceased uncle) when my parents sent me to live with them for fear of me catching this disease where my parents used to live; and even though ours was a cat-dog relationship, I loved her very much.

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It was back in February when she was admitted yet again in the hospital. It was normal for her to get Pneumonia time and time again that we all already know the drill on what to do, what to bring and how to stay calm and take care of her.

It was very timely that I just resigned from my previous job at the time so together with my whole family, I helped fully take care of her through and through.

It was weird, for almost half to 3/4 of her whole admission, she seemed totally okay. She was always complaining of the bland and cold hospital food. She was always very chatty too. In fact, on her first night, I was her only companion and we talked all night.

I remember bringing one of my film cameras that night and doing some selfies with her (that I still need to get processed in the lab). We talked about stuff she never told me before like how she took many jobs in order to help with the finances for her 8 children then. I let my guard down that night and listened to all her stories, both funny and sad alike. I usually hate talking mushy with my family, but that moment was an exception.

Though it wasn’t always like that.

As expected, the longer she stayed in the hospital, the crankier she got. She kept on asking us to take her home. One time, she got so impatient, she literally asked us to just give her the money for her commute home. Often times, we would just make fun of her like we always do, just to lighten her mood and to divert her attention, but there’d always be hard times as well.

When I graduated in 2011, she was diagnosed with ESRD (End Stage Renal Disease). She had to undergo surgery twice: first was for her IJ catheter insertion, which was a temporary dialysis access inserted through the side of her neck that was used until her Fistula (another surgery) on her left arm was ready for her lifetime twice or thrice a week Hemodialysis treatments. That was the start of her more challenging and even more unforgettable journey.

There’d be times that we’d go visit her in the hospital before I go back to work (also in the hospital) or when I’d spend my rest days with her in the Dialysis center. I can tell that my whole family was devastated during the first few years, seeing her go through so much pain in her late 70s.

But just like any other trial that came our way, we got by through prayers, helping each other out and by putting on brave faces for her.

In a year, she would normally be admitted in the hospital twice or thrice at the most. There’d be false alarms when we thought she would already be taken away from us, but luckily, she always survived. My uncle and my mother’s youngest sibling would always kid around and say “Nakaligtas ka na naman!(You survived yet again!)” or “Sumunod ka na kasi sa ilaw (Won’t you please go into the light already?)” then a burst of laughter in the whole room would arise. There were even a few times that the patients admitted in the rooms next to hers would code or would go into cardiac arrest. I think that happened a couple of times, so we would poke fun at her being cursed (or at least the patients next to her). You may think that those jokes were so rude, but they always cracked everyone up.

My family has the weirdest sense of humor, but it worked so well. We’d all always be huddled in my grandma’s small private room after work or on weekends, either teary-eyed or out of breath because of so much laughter when my uncle starts throwing the punches. I guess it helped not only my grandmother, but the rest of us too because it took our minds off the fact that we are in deep trouble. Who wants to take problems so seriously anyway? Plus, we all loved seeing our grandmother laugh so hard with no care in the world. She’d even answer him back and seeing them throw the funniest lines at each other was like watching a live comedic show.

During the last few days of her admission early this year, she started deteriorating, but despite that and the bathroom restrictions, she just couldn’t let herself grow weaker. There was a time I was so mad at her for wanting to go to the bathroom to take a dump. She was very uncomfortable in doing it on a bedpan or diaper (because who wouldn’t be?) so she insisted even though it took us a while before we got to the bathroom. Did I say she had bathroom restrictions?

There’d also be sad times when she would ask me what’s wrong with her, but I could only make up a reason because even her doctors took a while before figuring it out. There was one particular night when she couldn’t sleep comfortably and woke up every 2 hours. At 3am, she woke me up again and I saw that she was in distress and and couldn’t breathe. Before calling the nurse again, I elevated her head of bed and assisted her in sitting up straight. She dangled her legs on the side of the bed and asked me to sit beside her. Having almost no sleep at all, I was a bit irritable and refused to do so. So I was just there in front of her standing up. Her dentures were taken off so she spoke as if like a little kid and answered me when I asked her why she wanted to dangle her legs despite the doctors’ orders not to. She told me “Kasi gusto ko lang lumakas (I just want to get my strength back)”.

That scene kept repeating in my head over and over and even when I think about it now, I still can’t help but cry. She just wanted to be okay again and I couldn’t even set aside the fact that I’m tired and sleepless. She’s been through worse, but I had to be a complete ass to her.

When I realized how much of a douche I was, I wanted to make it up to her before it was too late, and boy, I’m glad I did.

Soon after, they finally figured out what’s wrong with her and disclosed it to us. Apart from Pneumonia, she was also diagnosed with Aortic Stenosis and so she was referred by her main AP (a Nephrologist) to a Cardiologist. The aorta is the major artery of the heart that pumps blood from the heart to the rest of the body. It has a valve that in this condition, narrows, thus restricts blood flow to the body causing breathlessness, weakness and sometimes even fainting. To add to that, she also started having absence seizures during her dialysis treatments that she eventually had to be referred to a Neurologist.

On the latter part of her admission, she started refusing her food and was advised to have an NGT (Naso-Gastric Tube) Insertion. My mother who is always overcome with her emotions, refused the procedure. We had to argue among ourselves with me wanting to get the procedure done. Still, my mother won. She talked my grandma into eating again to avoid having to put her through another ordeal and even though it was harder, we had to carefully assist her in eating. We exhausted all the techniques we could think of to encourage her to eat more including those that you’d normally use with kids and they worked. The NGT insertion was deferred a couple of times and eventually canceled.

Just when we thought that the hardest part was over, she started having episodes of disorientation, which was most probably caused by her prolonged seizures. The longest episode was the first time she had a seizure during her dialysis treatment. She couldn’t recognize any of us, or she just pretended not to because she was sulking. She was conscious, but she just stared at all of us with a weird look in her eyes as if seeing us for the first time. I even broke down in front of my relatives because I was reading about the worst case scenarios of her current condition which led to my aunt’s crying as well. The disorientation went on for the whole night and when my parents came to visit after work, she started uttering “‘Nay, ‘nay, kunin mo na ako (Mom, mom, please come and get me)” as if calling to her own mother. She said this in a childlike manner too. Our eyes swollen, I, surprisingly slept that night. The morning after, I was happy to see that itwas over and my grandmother was back to her old, chatty self again. You could hear the excitement in my aunt’s voice asking her whatever sinful food she wanted to eat so she could buy it.

After starting some treatments, she started feeling better. She couldn’t really stand on her own anymore, but she was strong enough to ask her doctors to let her go home. Soon, she was permitted to go home and continue her dialysis treatments outside the hospital.

I stayed with them for a few more weeks, going home only when I had no more clothes to wear. All of us still took turns in taking care of her. We bought more Oxygen tanks for her because she could consume about 1-2 big ones in a day. We also had to buy her own hospital bed, egg crate mattress, glucose monitor, new BP monitor and I insisted on getting her own portable pulse oximeter as well. Then, I taught everyone how to use the said monitors so they could observe her appropriately when I’m not around. I was very happy at how everyone, including my younger cousins were ready to learn and eager to help out even with diaper changes and bed bath. There was a time when I asked all my teenage girl cousins to help me in giving her a bath and changing her sheets. They all learned the proper techniques in turning and lifting our grandma and all I could think of was boy, all those night shifts taking care of bedridden patients in the hospital surely paid off.

We were able to take her back to the dialysis center for treatment, and force her the second time, but she was on close monitoring and hooked to an oxygen tank. Dialysis settings had to be adjusted as well so her heart can keep up, but still, she had episodes of absence seizures. She grew weaker and wouldn’t go back for a third treatment the same week, so we had to give up her slot, not knowing that it would be her last.

She didn’t want to continue her dialysis treatments. In fact, she didn’t want to go back for the third time so bad that week that even though she started sleeping for longer periods of time, she woke up just that one time we asked her if she still wanted to go and uttered a big “no”.

She then started having visual hallucinations as well, if you can call them that because there may be in fact, real souls of random people in her room, but only she could see them. There was a time when I just got back from our house to rest for a day. My uncle had to get the oxygen tanks refilled, so there were only the two of us in the house at the time. I had to do a bed bath for her and right before we finished, she uttered irritably, “Ang dami namang bata dito! (There are so many kids in here!)”. I know that she wasn’t disoriented at the time because we were talking and she even kept on asking me to make the bath quick because she can’t breathe well. I felt all the hair in my body stood and almost ran out of the house and left her alone in there. I turned the TV volume up before sending my mother a text message, telling her what happened, then shortly after, my uncle who went to get the oxygen called me. He was laughing and told me, my grandma has been seeing things for a while. True enough, she has been seeing a lady carrying a child, a boy that even sat beside her in the car one time and some other souls that give me the creeps.

Filipinos believe so much in the supernatural especially those involved in death and dying. Some of these I’ve heard from my senior nurses, like when a person’s death is at hand, you can observe them trying to remove their clothes. There’s also this belief that when you stare into their eyes, they stare back not at you, but at someone from behind you, as if their gaze goes directly through you. There’s the “Sundo“, which I know everyone knows is the entity that awaits the souls of those that are dying. There’s also this weird belief that those that are dying attract ants and you often see tons of ants underneath their sheets or body before they die. I’ve never heard that last one before, by the way, but I saw it happen to my grandma. It was so bizarre because we always kept her clean and comfortable so we couldn’t find anything that could have drawn the ants to her.

Right before she eternally closed her eyes and eventually became unconscious, I had a small talk with her. We just finished praying the Rosary together after she saw so many “people” gathered in her room, even though there were only 3 of us in there. I asked her if she knows we love her. She answered weakly, but in the sweetest tone I’ve heard and told me that she indeed knows. I told her we all love her the same and I felt that she was happy when she heard that. That was the last time I was able to talk to her.

During the next few days, she barely opened her eyes. She would nod occasionally when asked, but that was it. She couldn’t speak much. She couldn’t even eat anymore so we tried feeding her a supplementary milk, but could only consume 2 tablespoons.

The last weekend she was with us, visitors, close friends, relatives, family, co-Mother Butlers in Church and a Priest flocked to her. Even our household help, who was a close friend of hers, together with her sisters visited lola. I had to get out of the room when she cried, because I knew my eyes were going to fill up with tears again.

A final mass was held for her and was also anointed by their parish priest.

My brother couldn’t come home in time, so he had to talk to her one last time through a video call, which was the same for my grandma’s sister in Canada and our other cousins in Cebu and Ormoc. Their remaining brother was too weak to go on a long trip all the way from La Union so he never saw her too.

I had to come home after that and go back one last time. When I got back to her house, I greeted her in the most enthusiastic and scandalous way I could. I knew she wouldn’t respond anymore, but I also knew that hearing was the last sense to go in a person who’s dying so I made sure I was heard. This was the time my uncle (mother’s youngest sibling) and his wife went to get my grandma’s brother from La Union but had to go back because their children told us he couldn’t travel that far anymore. My aunt and I gave grandma one last bed bath and when my uncle and his wife arrived, my aunt and I went to get some groceries, and stuff for oral care and bed bath.

When we came back, we cleaned grandma’s mouth and left her in a high back rest position. We all stayed together in her room and watched a late afternoon show. She was very calm until shortly after, my uncle saw that she was drooling. She then started coughing hard and drooling even more, before finally passing away.

Two of my cousins came home from school just minutes after her passing. My aunt was already crying so hard while talking to her one last time, telling her that she’s now an orphan. My uncle (same one who always teased her and took care of her since forever) tried carefully jolting her a couple of times even though he knew that she was gone. I placed her pulse oximeter on her finger one last time and waited for the ECG reading to go on a flat line as I hold her still warm feet.

I’ve never seen anyone die in my life before, not even while working in a hospital. I wasn’t in shock, but I didn’t shed one tear either. I couldn’t understand what I felt then and I still couldn’t explain it now. I just knew that she was gone and it happened unexpectedly.

We didn’t try to revive her nor rush her to the hospital anymore because we knew that all she wanted was to rest and be free from all the pain. Had she been revived, she would just be hooked to a ventilator and no one in my family can ever stand seeing her intubated, especially my mother. She and all of her siblings agreed that the moment lola was brought home from the hospital, all we needed to do was to make her feel comfortable and wait for her final breath at home like she personally requested and that’s what we did.

My parents had to attend to my brother in Cebu at the time of her death. Before they left, my mother asked my grandma to wait for her to come back. She must have had a hunch that something might happen. I couldn’t tell my mother the news so I had to tell my father instead. I know how hard it was going to be for her and I know it still hurts up to this day.

My grandmother died peacefully on March 15, 2016. She was one of the most annoying, most makulit, most mataray, most maloko, most beautiful, most fashionable, most God-fearing, strongest and bravest persons I knew.

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And I loved her so much.

I love you so much. Thank you Lola!

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So happy she get to eat all the sinful food, every after Hemodialysis session;) (at Lydia’s Lechon LOL)

 

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My Weekend in Moving Photos

It was quite a long weekend for my family as one of our beloved lolas died last week. She was one of the coolest lolas I’ve known, literally, as she doesn’t seem to ever lose her cool, evidenced by her permanent and ever radiant and beaming smile.

We could only make it to the last night of her funeral, which was on a Saturday before she was laid to rest today. Unfortunately, apart from it being a manic weekend, a storm was about to enter the country too, so we were stuck in the rain, wet and cold…

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After being stuck in traffic for quite a while, some of us had to go on a pee break and grab a quick bite before going back on the road, so off we went to, ‘their’ favorite happy place…

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C5 was tolerable and SLEX was very much in our favor, so it didn’t take long before we got to the place and saw everyone all huddled up in a corner…

Some were…

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and others were…

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while this one couldn’t resist picking up something to chew on… again…

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Of course, we couldn’t call it a day unless there were selfies and groupfies taken, some even with one of the coolest lolos on earth!

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I had to fix everyone’s eyebrows before going home at midnight, so were all like…

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The next day, we were up at around 4:45-ish to 5 in the morning and before I know it, we were back on the road by 6 in the morning…

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The night before, a car flew over and hit a concrete barrier perhaps ‘mid-flight’ and smashed his hood, while another one hit another barrier this morning, both along Ortigas extension. Typhoon Lando really hit us big time!

Thank God, we made it back to the funeral by 7-ish, safe and sound.

We were told that the mass will be at 7:30, so everyone was…

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taking selfies again…JK!

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They were all chillin’ like lola here…

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After the mass, everyone had time to freshen up and to do some catching-up with everyone else…

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The mood in the room lightened up a bit, but then again, everyone knew what was coming to them next and that nothing else could be any more painful than finally saying goodbye…

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I hate funerals, but I love the fact that everyone comes together not only to pay tribute to the departed, but also to set everything aside to comfort and catch up with everyone else.

But like what the priest said, nothing’s more pathetic than talking to a corpse that wouldn’t be able to appreciate all the tears, apologies and gratitude one extends in funerals or in cemeteries. It wouldn’t be right, so yes, we all have to make amends and thank people while they’re still alive and not only when they’re on their death beds or worse, when they’re gone forever.

On a lighter note…

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Hope everyone else stays safe and dry while we wait this one out! Do I really have to go back to work tomorrow? I mean look at the trees out my window!

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Btw, I’m really loving this app, Gif Me! so I’m thinking of posting more stuff here and putting everything in a new series on my blog (My Life in Moving Photos) just for these photos that are too cool, they look like those magical paintings on Harry Potter!! I’m pathetic, I know! XD

No Time

I Just saw the movie “The Fault In Our Stars” and I cried as much as I have when I read the book. Such a crybaby! First of all, kudos to them TFIOS team for being so faithful to the book. The famous lines, their eulogies for each other, the green car they egged, the infected peg of Gus (what I was actually waiting for just because i missed seeing one), they made the movie equally as heartbreaking and meaningful. I’m impressed, but more importantly, I was moved…again.

I started reading the book a couple of months ago and I got to finish it just last week. Like any other movie adaptation I’m a fan of, I would like to read the book first before seeing it on the big screen and this one’s not an exception. Though I didn’t get to see it with anyone special like my family, friends or my forever movie date, B, I find it actually comforting to have seen it alone and at home. I just saw it now and like what I said, I didn’t mind at all that my tears + snot were flash flooding through my face.

Like any other book, movie or story that tackles death or loss of a loved one, it would leave you more or less thankful but not in a selfish way, remorseful but in a sense that it would lead you to do something about the things you feel sorry about. It moves you to be a better person. Easy for me to say, but really, I want the things I realized after seeing the movie and reading the book to linger on in me and change the way I see life from now on just as the Imperial Affliction moved Hazel Grace and Augustus’s lives. (phew!)

Although I don’t know for how long I could tell myself to be good to everyone, to live every day as if it were my last or to treasure each moment with the ones that I love, I would do my best to make my life as meaningful as possible. Bullsh*t, I know, I guess what I’m trying to say is people make books and movies and stories not just to fade into oblivion. I know it’s a reference to Gus’ fear, but it’s true. It’s what happened when I saw the “Passion of the Christ”, “Magnifico” and all the other inspirational tearjerkers. I watched, cried, got inspired, but it ended there and my life moved on. I don’t like for something as tragic to happen in my life before I realize what my purpose in life is or that I need to be at least a better person. I can take it if I’d be forgotten, to get thrown into oblivion. I don’t dream to become a hero. I don’t want to be be someone great, I just want to be someone better.

If being better instead of being great is absurd then forgive me. I just don’t want to make promises I can’t keep, even more because this is a promise that I’m making for and to myself. Like what the title says, there’s no time. Not that I’m saying tomorrow’s the end of the world, but who can tell, right? So there’s nothing wrong by being better instead of being great if it makes a difference in yours and someone else’s life, but if being great is possible, then that would be better.

My brain’s making me say things again. Anyway other than the book and movie, the soundtrack’s also responsible for making me overly sentimental and emotional. Before I saw the movie, I listened to this playlist below for a million times. I listened to it when I blog. I played it while painting my “Okay? Okay.” masterpiece etc. So I was familiar with the songs even before I watched the movie today. I guess this added to the intensity of how I felt during the scenes where these songs were played. Two songs struck me the most unknowingly. The first one is “Let Me In” by Grouplove and “Wait” by M83. Grouplove was introduced to me by my sister a few months back, while I got to know M83 through the movie, Warm Bodies. I love them both or them all. Such talented people.

Here’s LET ME IN (with scenes from the movie):

and the official video of WAIT (which looks apocalyptic to me): BTW, aside from this entry being an inspirational and Carpe Diem-y hence the title, it also is the lyrics to this song below that I thought was sung as “Hosanna”. Crazy! No time = hosanna, sounds the same right? haha! Try listening to it!

P.S. Funny how when I was choosing categories and tags for this entry, I clicked on love, life, loss, death, happiness, inspirational etc. Words were ironically connected to one another. 🙂

of love and loss…

Today, as I had breakfast, I started checking out FB and Twitter (as usual), and sadly, I learned that the sister of one of my dearest college classmates, who also happened to be one of the happiest people I’ve met and whom I have been lucky enough to be friends with especially during our last year in college, lost her sister yesterday due to cerebral hemorrhage secondary to a ruptured aneurysm.

This classmate of ours texted us last Wednesday asking for prayers when her sister had an unexpected seizure attack which rendered her unconscious. A few hours later, she texted again telling us her sister was then already in comatose. My heart sank deep and immediately, I was at a loss for words. Her sister and I weren’t friends but there was this heavy feeling in me that made me fall in deep thought for a while. Maybe because I knew that she was very young and I can always remember her as the girl whom like her sister had this really, really cute and sweet smile. Today, I also learned that close friends made this beautiful FB page for her. It was then that I realized how truly blessed her family is to have a beautiful girl like her who gained a lot of people who loved her. I know that her family will be touched knowing that at least their daughter lived a very beautiful life filled with love and happiness. So wherever she is right this very moment, I know that she still has that smile that even a very depressed and problematic person could not resist smiling back to.

And before I end this, I’d like myself and everyone else to realize that in every loss, there is also something we gain. We might not know the reason for these losses in life, but in time, with genuine acceptance, we learn that God has already had everything planned for all of us. It is our duty instead to know whatever it is that He has in store for us, what His purpose is for us because we are merely His instruments for a much greater plan beyond this mundane life we are all living.

And as everyone always says especially in times like these, LIFE IS SHORT and we all know what comes after that! God bless us all!


Millicent Pangilinan
joined Christ in paradise August 4, 2011
**Photo was taken from her FB page and apparently her last FB profile pic.