Shame on me for using a great band’s name for this (sort of) spooky entry, but I looked it up to see what it really means and if it means the same way for others what I think it means for me.
I tried squeezing my brain out for an explanation and I think that it means being tough despite having this huge fear of something. I can just imagine myself in a middle of a dark room feeling really scared while crying hard (not the depressing, wimpy cry). I’m scared to death, but I still have this tough front, to tell the unknown enemy that yeah, I may be crying, but I’m ready to punch you still. So in my imaginary scenario, I’m not just curled up in a corner, but instead ready to lash out on anything that jumps right in front of me.
So I see it working both ways or maybe just ironically. Crying can literally be a sign of weakness or maybe vulnerability but deep down, you know it’s actually a tough man’s act. After all, crying makes us feel better, right? It’s a way to vent out or flush out this negative emotion out of your system then makes you feel so much lighter after.
Okay, I just feel like I robbed this guy’s idea, but how else can you define this phrase?
It didn’t help that this guy’s definition made crying look even tougher. I mean, getting a tattoo that says “TforF” makes you wanna say, “real guys wear pink” or “tough men cry”.
I don’t know if I made sense at all. Well anyway, since I don’t think I have ever listed all of my fears in one entry before (at least not all the supernatural ones), I’m doing it today because according to Jane, one of the writers on this group I’ve been following for a long time now, “By naming it [fear], you gain control over it. It no longer has the ability to make you afraid.“. Also, it’s Halloween season, so I’m kind of in the mood to write about the scary stuff, and these shows and documentaries featuring the paranormal mysteries and unexplained phenomena that I’ve been watching the past week may have built up the momentum to do so.
So here goes the things that scare me the most (supernaturals only):
- ghosts – I don’t think I’ve ever seen one or felt the presence of one though there’s still this need for me to sprint (faster than Usain Bolt) back to bed every time I have to pee in the middle of the night or when I have to climb up the stairs when most of the people at home are asleep because I ain’t scared of no ghosts, my friend, I’M NOT!!! LOL! To make it worse, I’ve just seen an interview of this priest on tv saying that souls of the departed cannot go back to the living world unless given permission SOLELY by God. So what are these entities we think people really see? Go figure it yourself coz I ain’t gonna. Pag takot, gume-ghetto?
- violent ghosts/beings/entities/poltergeists – What’s scarier than harmless ghosts? Well, those that can harm you, of course. Since the priest made it perfectly clear that ghosts are only given permission by God to deal with unfinished business, which also implies that they’re of good nature, it just makes sense that those that do harm are the enemies of God; therefore, only makes these beings scarier. Insidious, The Conjuring, anyone?
- batibat – (No this isn’t even close to that puppet show on tv we used to watch when we were young, millennials not included) Have you ever experienced having sleep paralysis? I almost always have before. According to Wikipedia, apparently, this brief inability to move your muscles is a transitional state between wakefulness and sleep. There you go! No biggie, there’s Science behind this sh*t, but have you also heard of the supernatural explanation for this? Well, according to this previous KJMS Gabi ng Lagim episode (not 100% sure though if it was on this show), this paralysis is caused by this big, old, fat lady that sits on top of you when you’re asleep. So when I wake up in the middle of the night (I know I’m awake because I can see my sister sleeping all the way from the other side of the room and I’m aware that I’m awake because I can see everything), unable to move, not even one finger, I’m thinking, “f*ck there’s something sitting on top of me again!”. Crazy imagination, I know.
- dark – I wouldn’t really be if it weren’t for #’s 1, 2 and 3. Hate that my imagination goes crazy when it’s dark. I can imagine someone whispering in my ear or that room in the game hotel666 where you have to take a picture of the ghost in a pitch black bathroom using a camera. The tension builds with the ghost not showing up in the first few takes and with the sound of the camera flash recharging before she suddenly jumps at you screaming with the scariest face and I’m scared sh*tless again.
- hanging any limb off the bed – I just almost always have this weird feeling that something’s going to pull my hand, feet, even hair if it sticks out of the perimeter of my bed. I know it’s weird AF, but I’ve had this fear since I was a kid, except that when I was young, I would make a fortress out of my pillows. It doesn’t help that I cannot erase that scene when Joey King fell off her bed on the Conjuring off my mind. After seeing that, I think I slept beside my sister again for weeks and curled up in a cocoon smack dab in the middle of the bed every time, with my back against hers. It should be touching hers, btw.
- In relation to #5, I used to be scared AF to sleep with my back facing the edge of the bed. When my sister and I used to sleep on the same bed, my back is always turned to her. Di bale nang magka-bedsores, hindi ako magpapalit ng posisyon hanggang magka-araw, but now that we sleep in separate beds, I’m like, “f*ck! I ain’t getting no sleep tonight!!” every night. Kidding aside, this doesn’t bother me anymore unless I’ve recently seen a scary movie.
- being afraid of my own shadow – Figuratively and yes even literally! Again, this only happens when I have recently seen some scary sh*t. I get so jumpy, I literally dove/dived into my sister’s bed and woke her up at the sound of my father’s footsteps one time.
- Freaky distorted faces and contorted bodies – I soooooper hate jump scares especially those that you don’t see coming therefore making you spill popcorn all over the floor and curse like shi*t so that people start giving you those death stares that tell you to shut the eff up, ang OA na kasi pero sa loob mo taena eh sa nalaglag yung bato ko sa takot eh, bakit ba? but what I hate more are those that include freaky, disturbing visuals that haunt you for days. After you’ve been caught off guard, you still have to endure whatever that thing that you saw for days, which is a good technique, btw. I’ve literally blurted out to a friend I’m with, one time, “Ano yaaaaaan? POTEK! TAE!” because I felt so confused as to what I was seeing at the moment and at the same time, I’m questioning my choice of film. Parang gusto mo ring sabihin sa direktor, “ano bang gusto mong patunayan? Ha?” That girl that freakishly smiles, or the one that doesn’t, that kid that sits in a corner, or that girl that used to be a gymnast and contorts her body in a way unimaginable, that old man that sits on a rocking chair or that nun with an espasol for a face. They make me adore jump scares, and you know I don’t.
- my own imagination (scariest out of the list) – My mind’s so complex (yehes genius pala) or my imagination rather, that I sometimes think I see things that aren’t even there. Ya know, the power of
x-ray peripheral vision. And even if I don’t, I think of the craziest things that could happen when I’m alone and scared. There’s this one story that gives me the chills just thinking about it. It’s one of those urban legends a schoolmate shared when I was in grade school. You see, I studied in an all-girls’, Catholic school run by nuns for 11 years, so you can just imagine tons of urban legends I’ve heard while I was there. There was particularly one that stuck with me to this very day. If I remember it correctly, there was this girl that went to pee in what we used to call the “black washroom” (I don’t know if this is what they call it still), she said that in the middle of peeing, she felt something poking her forehead. She wanted to brush it off and get the f*ck out of there, but it became too annoying that she finally looked up. What she saw sent chills down my spine. It was a nun hanging from the ceiling and the thing that was poking her forehead was the nun’s toes. FUCK DIBA?!?!??!?! Sinong grade schooler and magkkwento nun? I know this must have a thousand other versions and it must have been an urban legend from another school also run by nuns pero nakarating sya sa school namin kaya effing sh*t talaga! Kulang na lang umihi ka ng nakayuko or nakahawak sa noo eh. I still get scared at times when I think about it especially when I’m peeing in a completely empty and quiet restroom. I also imagine that girl they say that peeks from above the cubicle door when you pee but when you look at the gap below, you wouldn’t see her feet. I also hate the fact that I sometimes imagine my sister turning into some scary sh*t when I sleep on her bed, and she makes it worse by gnarling like an effing zombie with matching eye-rolling.
There are tons of scary stories I will never forget like that UP ikot story from a UP Diliman urban legends clipping that I once cut out from the newspaper, or those freaky stories that the construction workers shared when they were building our house, not to mention those that have been experienced by some of our house helps themselves in the past. I can save those for later. For now, I think I’m going to catch up on some sleep.
Woke up at 3am and I couldn’t go back to sleep, but now can because the sun’s finally out! WAhahahaha!
So you can tell by now how big of a wuss or a chicken I am for still being scared of the dark. There were times that I actually hung up the phone when friends or the boyfriend suddenly changes the topic to say, anything that’s floating. Kidding aside, I’m still grateful that somehow the phrase, “My God is bigger than my problems (or in some cases,
my fears)” gives me courage. I know it would take a deeper faith to be able to conquer fears (especially those bigger than ghosts), so I’m working on it. For now, I’ll start by sticking a finger out of my bed even after just watching a scary movie. 😛 Dayum, how I wish I really have gained control of those fears by naming them. A few hours ago, I was making quick glances at the window, thinking I must be inviting negative energies just by writing this entry, but WTF, I did finish it and I did it like a boss! Even made this calligraphy quote of one of my favorite verses that I’m posting on my wall.
P.S. I really apologize for all the cursing and for trying too hard to be ghetto. My sister rubs off on me sometimes. HAHAHA 😛