You

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They say that after a woman gives birth, she eventually forgets how painful the whole process is that she wouldn’t mind getting pregnant again and going through all the pain that she once went through.

I can’t help but see a resemblance in the way we feel about falling in and out of love. Love isn’t so much about the way the other person makes us feel. It should be way beyond that, for love is a choice, to stick through the pain and perils of finally giving away your heart entirely to someone who stole and eventually owned it.

I can say for sure how easily I find it to forget all the pain love has caused me because like magic, love has a way to make us feel so many emotions at once. Like magic, love can make us believe in the impossible. Like magic, love can overwhelm us and catch us off guard. Love can lift us up even when it wears us out over and over. Because love is magical and it gives us that giddy feeling in our stomach, we easily want more of it despite all the complications and pain that come with it.

In the past 5 years, I’ve lost count of the times I’ve gotten hurt or hurt the one I love, but we easily fought through all the hard times and negativity because we are just so persistent and determined like that. We just wouldn’t give up, at least not completely. We both are each other’s first loves and I know how first loves are messy and beautiful at the same time. I also know that despite those, we both love each other so much that we just wouldn’t let each other go, no matter how many times we’ve broken up; but sometimes, holding on can do more damage than letting go ever can.

I don’t even know if I’m doing it right, but I love you. I’ve found a best friend and a partner in you which no one can ever replace in my heart.

I hate the fact that our love seems so right, yet everything else feels so wrong. I hate that the we were given but a fleeting chance to love. I hate that you were given to me, yet will only be taken away. I hate that those that once cheered us on, now only want us apart. I hate that I now have to put away this ring with your name on it. I hate how the once sweet words we have for each other became bitter and sad. I hate that we always talked about marriage and having our own family, yet here we are back to being strangers again.I hate that our paths met, but never to remain intertwined like how I always dreamed of.

But just so you know, I don’t hate you. I don’t hate the fact that the whole universe seem to conspire to break us apart. I don’t even hate the fact that there is now a story of more woe than of Romeo and Juliet’s, and that is ours.

I love you and I hope that when you look at the stars at night, you see the world not as a traitor that robbed you of happiness. I wish that the brightly peppered sky rather remind you of the hope and happiness He promised to come. I hope that when I see you again, we both are rid of all the pain, have completely forgiven each other and eager and brave to love again (whether each other or strangers we have yet to meet), much like the women who fear not the pain of bringing another child into this curious, little world.

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Nobody said it was easy. Missing you already.

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How to Love (a birthday tribute)

I’m not sure what title to put in up there yet. Usually, I’d think of a title first and work my way through the whole entry, but I can’t quite name the post yet.

I could just write B’s name. That would work too since this is all going to be about him.

You see, I have written so much about him in the past 4 or 5 years (I was writing about him long before we got together) and that’s just because he’s only been a huge part of my life. So big, that if you read all the entries tagged under B or Bri or boyfriend, you’ll know how much and why I am so in love with him.

Today, he just turned another year older. Fun fact: he’s 3 years younger than me for a little more than a month, and 2 years younger than me for the rest of the year. haha! I secretly feel excited me when his birthday comes up coz it only means one thing, I’ll only be 2 years older than him, at least for the next 10 months!

The age gap between us has been my biggest concern, not so long ago. I would have totally turned him down if it wasn’t for the fact the he was so persistent and sincere. So yes, those were what made me fall for him (plus a whole lot more of surprises down the road).

 

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So is there anything else I haven’t told the world yet about him?

Well, maybe. Last night, we went out on a simple date to celebrate his birthday and something happened that really moved my cold, rock hard heart.

Well, we actually went on several dates this week, to start off the year right. I want to document everything here, so…

  • Monday, 4 January: He went with me to do some personal errands for myself, like shopping at the Common Room in Katips before having lunch at Hot Star Chicken, went to Fujifilm Sto. Domingo to have my 6 rolls of film developed, passed by Sto. Domingo church and had a short photoshoot, paid for the art e-course at BPI, had ELAR’s lechon for dinner before going home
  • Tuesday, 5 January: He wanted to go with me and get my films back so he did after I got out of the office, passed by Sto. Domingo church again, then had dinner at The Dimsum Place, had coffee and tea before going home
  • Wednesday, 6 January: Had a Skype date 🙂
  • Thursday, 7 January: Went around Cubao, had dinner at our favorite Japanese restaurant, Tonkatsu Taka, had tea along Manhattan Parkview before finally parting ways
  • Friday, 8 January: Had dinner at El Pollo Loco, then had coffee at this quiet nook which I forgot the name of, in building A of Mega before finally parting ways along Edsa Central

So here’s the thing, almost all the time, he makes sure he sees me off all the way to the tricycle terminal near my house before he goes on another 2-3 hour ride back home. If that isn’t heartbreaking enough, he has to ride 3 different buses to get home, along with hundreds of commuters late at night.

I never wanted for him to do that for me (at least not anymore), but he insists on doing so because he just wants to make sure I get home safe and sound, but it’s never the same for me. I end up worrying when he doesn’t get back to Cubao in time to catch the last bus ride home, or when we gets home so late at night.

So last night, when we went our separate ways in Edsa Central. I taught him where to get on a bus to Cubao. He didn’t have to take me home since I was going home with my parents. This puts me more at ease because he doesn’t have to go all the way to my house and it’s much easier for him to get home.

Normally, when we’re around the Ortigas area, we can’t be seen together (for the same reason why he still hasn’t met my parents). So we usually go our separate ways as if we’re total strangers. I’m unfair I know.

We had a fairly quick eye contact, sent him a text to go home and before I knew it, he was walking away. I was just looking at him as he disappeared into the crowd. Deep inside I wanted to go after him, but my parents were coming so I stayed. It took me a few more seconds before I decided I wanted to see him off this time. When I got to Edsa, I was shocked by how so many commuters were trying to get a ride home. At first, I thought he must have easily gotten on a bus, but I didn’t move hoping I could still find him in the middle of the crowd. I stood there asking God to let me see him before he goes home. Right after I told Him that, I saw Brianne walking just a few metres away from me. I didn’t call his attention because I didn’t want him to want to stay any longer. I wanted to see him off before my parents came, but when he failed to get on a bus, he walked back towards the sidewalk and that’s the time I went near him and called his name.

I was a bit teary eyed, but I’m glad I caught him before he got home. I couldn’t stay so I had to bid him goodbye before walking back towards our car. My parents had dinner, but the whole time I was texting Brianne, asking if he finally got on a bus. I was trying to hold back my tears because I was getting too emotional knowing that he’s out there trying to get a ride home, while I was comfortably sitting inside Yellow Cab with my parents.

Good thing, I got his text right before we went home that he was finally on his 2nd bus ride home (he only had to take 2 buses since he was already along Edsa). I finally felt so relieved.

On our way home, we were just texting each other super mushy stuff and I couldn’t help but realize how much he goes through just to be able to be with me. And he’s been doing that for the past 4-5 years!

While I’m reliving last night, which seemed like a scene taken straight out of a movie (kulang na lang ulan eh), and typing it everything in here, my tear ducts started to water again. I’m just so overwhelmed with happiness and guilt and love that I feel like the I really am the luckiest girl on earth.

I could only sigh at the fact that I love Brianne so much. I wanted so bad to be a better person for him and for us. He deserves so much more than our petty quarrels and my stubbornness so I’m really working hard to better myself this year, for him and for the people I love the most.

Thank you Brianne and thank you God for making me realize all these.

So that’s it. It got a bit longer than expected, but I just wanted the world to know how lucky I am to have this guy here in my life…

I love you Brianne, for everything that you are and have become. Just so you know, I love you so much more now than I ever have.

I once read that your spouse should be your best friend. I agree with that and it took me a few years before I realized how true it should be. You wouldn’t want to be living with someone you don’t want to connect with, or bond with or be best friends with. Otherwise, life wouldn’t be as good as it should be.

I’m not married to Bri (yet), but I would like to be, someday; and for the rest of our lives, I want us to remain best friends, apart from being overly weird and corny lovers. I want us to remain strong, to be friends even long after we get married and grow old. I want to keep this relationship for a really long time, if not forever.

I love you, B, even if I always say that I don’t really know how to love.

If I am doing it wrong, for sure, I’ll learn how to, with your hand intertwined with mine, of course.

Happy birthday again, my love, my favorite person, singer and 2nd favorite model in the world.

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30 Day Writing Challenge: DAY 19

Discuss Your First Love.

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This has got to be one of the most special entries I have yet to write about. I’m not sure whether to share how I met my first love or how we are now because a few clicks on the tags “B” or “Bri” or “boyfriend” will put the pieces of our story together. I have written so much about him since we’ve met and I don’t know what else to say now.

I have to say though, my first love is definitely an angel sent to me from above. I can’t forget how he always gave me butterflies in my stomach, the kind that made me feel nervous but happy inside. He made me feel like I was someone special when I’ve never even thought of myself as such before. I know how our parents make us feel loved and cared for, but this is different. It was a feeling I never even imagined I could have.

Did I say that he also has the most wonderful voice I have ever heard from among those who I know personally? When he speaks, you’d definitely gush at his manly, proper and calming voice, but when he sings, you might as well just pour a bucket of ice cold water on yourself and don’t say I didn’t warn you! You’d be swept off your feet in an instant and I’m not even exaggerating on this. His voice alone is so damn hot!

Since we’re on the topic, let me just say a few more things about how hot he is. You see, he’s the mysterious and the quiet type. He’s tall and handsome and the way he stares at me makes me melt like crazy. He’s a complete package, to tell you the truth and he’s definitely my type.

Part of this “complete package” I’m talking about is the fact that he’s more than just another guy who’s looking to hook up. Over time I felt our relationship deepened from a simple attraction to what I have come to learn as love. He has become not only my partner-in-crime but also my best friend. He knows everything about me—-my past, my insecurities, my problems, my fears, my imperfections, but those didn’t turn him off. He accepted me for who I am despite all the revelations and seeing the worst version of me.

Today, as I write this, I’m happy to say that I am still so much in love with him. It has been 4 years since we’ve met and even though our story doesn’t depict the perfect relationship we’ve always wanted, I know that I’ve found the perfect first love in him.

He’s my first and I definitely won’t mind if he also becomes my last. 🙂

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30 Day Writing Challenge: DAY 2

Write Something That Someone Told You About Yourself That You Never Forgot

Phew that was a mouthful! I can think of one thing someone told me that gave me butterflies in my stomach the first time I heard it. I never heard anyone say that to me before and it was flattering, to tell you honestly. It is also something I hold on to dearly until today.

Brianne first told me that I was his “favorite person in the world” when we were on the latter part of the “getting to know” stage. Of course, he already knew a lot about me then, and thought that I was incredibly attractive both inside and out (LOL), so one night, he just texted me, out of the blue, and therefore caught me off guard that I was, true enough, his favorite person in the world.

He was my first suitor and boyfriend so everything he did and said meant me getting frequent churns in my stomach and that time wasn’t an exception. I didn’t know exactly how to react every time he comes up with the weirdest but sweetest things to say, so I often just dodge them or pretend as if I didn’t feel giddy inside.

Ever since then, he would be squeezing this into our conversations and I’d feel really special inside. To be called someone’s favorite person in the world may even be better than being called the prettiest or the best girlfriend in the world. To be called someone’s favorite means so much to me, I can’t put into words how it felt then and how it still feels now. It made me giddy then, and it still does, only now I can finally get a hold of myself. It was one of the best things someone has ever told me, about me, and I would never, ever forget that.

Our Fourth ♡

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Can I just say that I feel like I’m at my prettiest when I’m with this guy. He compliments me so much that I’m starting to think that I am really beautiful. And if that’s not good enough reason for anyone to love someone like him, then maybe hearing the compliment repeatedly for 4 years is.

4 days ago, we went out to celebrate our 4th year anniversary. It wasn’t grand nor fancy. We were both broke, but we were happy. What we both wanted was to spend time with each other on that special day so we did; and it was one of the best dates we had.

Happiness is a choice and so is love. What we have is so much deeper than what we had 4 years ago. Now, I’m starting to realize that there is so much more in a relationship between a man and a woman than just tangible gifts or fancy dinners. You can date models, businessmen or celebrities but it isn’t as special if there’s no sacrifice nor tough choices to make. You can be broke, fired from work, cheated on but if you choose to be miserable then you will be. Today, as we both understand the value and real meaning of love, we agreed to support each other in our endeavors, or so I think.

Our relationship is truly a product of hardwork. There are some whose relationships may seem smooth-sailing and even though at times I can be jealous of a life like that, I know I shouldn’t be because every obstacle we overcome is a milestone we’ll treasure forever.

Happy anniversary!