You

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They say that after a woman gives birth, she eventually forgets how painful the whole process is that she wouldn’t mind getting pregnant again and going through all the pain that she once went through.

I can’t help but see a resemblance in the way we feel about falling in and out of love. Love isn’t so much about the way the other person makes us feel. It should be way beyond that, for love is a choice, to stick through the pain and perils of finally giving away your heart entirely to someone who stole and eventually owned it.

I can say for sure how easily I find it to forget all the pain love has caused me because like magic, love has a way to make us feel so many emotions at once. Like magic, love can make us believe in the impossible. Like magic, love can overwhelm us and catch us off guard. Love can lift us up even when it wears us out over and over. Because love is magical and it gives us that giddy feeling in our stomach, we easily want more of it despite all the complications and pain that come with it.

In the past 5 years, I’ve lost count of the times I’ve gotten hurt or hurt the one I love, but we easily fought through all the hard times and negativity because we are just so persistent and determined like that. We just wouldn’t give up, at least not completely. We both are each other’s first loves and I know how first loves are messy and beautiful at the same time. I also know that despite those, we both love each other so much that we just wouldn’t let each other go, no matter how many times we’ve broken up; but sometimes, holding on can do more damage than letting go ever can.

I don’t even know if I’m doing it right, but I love you. I’ve found a best friend and a partner in you which no one can ever replace in my heart.

I hate the fact that our love seems so right, yet everything else feels so wrong. I hate that the we were given but a fleeting chance to love. I hate that you were given to me, yet will only be taken away. I hate that those that once cheered us on, now only want us apart. I hate that I now have to put away this ring with your name on it. I hate how the once sweet words we have for each other became bitter and sad. I hate that we always talked about marriage and having our own family, yet here we are back to being strangers again.I hate that our paths met, but never to remain intertwined like how I always dreamed of.

But just so you know, I don’t hate you. I don’t hate the fact that the whole universe seem to conspire to break us apart. I don’t even hate the fact that there is now a story of more woe than of Romeo and Juliet’s, and that is ours.

I love you and I hope that when you look at the stars at night, you see the world not as a traitor that robbed you of happiness. I wish that the brightly peppered sky rather remind you of the hope and happiness He promised to come. I hope that when I see you again, we both are rid of all the pain, have completely forgiven each other and eager and brave to love again (whether each other or strangers we have yet to meet), much like the women who fear not the pain of bringing another child into this curious, little world.

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Nobody said it was easy. Missing you already.

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Life ends as I know it

Today, I thought that I’ve gone too far with being someone I’m not. I used to be someone else. I used to be naive, hopeful, but ironically, a hopeless romantic.

I found someone special and to quote Gerry from the movie/book P.S. I Love You, meeting him “was the end of life as I knew it“.

Beautiful quote, isn’t it? I’m never going to get tired of watching Gerard Butler and Hilary Swank in the movie adaptation. They were awesome and they always make me cry, no matter how many times I watch the film. It is after all, my comfort movie. I watch it when I’m happy and even when I’m sad because it has its way of always making me feel better, whether I’m in a mood or not.

I watched it early this afternoon and as always, I broke into tears.

It really isn’t easy losing someone, let alone someone you care for so much; and you don’t realize how special and important he/she is in your life until he/she’s gone.

What makes this a feel good movie, even though everyone knows Gerard’s character, Gerry dies, is that it gives so much hope that no matter how tragic life can get, eventually, anyone can and will get back on their feet, if they want to.

I love how realistic they made the movie seem, how beautiful the twist was, how lovely Irish people and Irish music are, how husband material Gerry’s character is and how moving Holly‘s, Hilary Swank’s character, journey became.

**btw, I love how Gerard’s character’s name started with a G and Hilary’s character’s name started with an H! 😉

Going back, I also love how the movie always reminds me that life is short and that anything can happen. If you’re a softy like me, I know you’d feel as remorseful as I do, every single time I watch this.

Like in the movie, sometimes, life can really be unfair.You lose someone you just can never have back in your life. It’s irreversible and there’s just nothing you can do about it. Likewise, life ends there as you know it. There’d even be a time when you don’t even get to say goodbye. How much more painful can it get than that?

I’m much luckier to get the chance to say goodbye though. It would’ve been harder for me if I didn’t, but I’m still not over the fact that he’s gone as he’s been a part of me and my life for so long that I may have forgotten what it’s like to live without him.

I can’t keep chasing after him though and I can’t keep moping around, at least not for long, so I decided to write to him instead. Writing is very therapeutic for me but I can’t keep putting down everything in here so I thought I’d write to him through another way, through letters. Everyday, I’d write to him until I don’t feel so bad anymore, or maybe until I have finally and fully accepted that he’s gone forever.

I don’t have to give the letters to him though because, duh, he’s gone. I just want to do it because it would seem as if I’m able to talk to him again.

It sucks that life hasn’t been easy for me for the past year and that I had to learn things the hard way, but again, I’m not blaming anyone but myself. I know what I did and I know what I could have done, but didn’t. I’m not wishing for anything right now except that we both get by and find peace in going our separate ways.

So that’s it! I guess it’s time to write him letter #1.

Here are two of my favorite scenes and favorite songs in the movie. One makes me cry and the other makes me feel so giddy.

Love you til the end

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The Sunday Currently, Volume 11

It has been 3 months since I last posted a TSC entry! 3 months?!?!! Anyway, I missed doing so, so

 

C U R R E N T L Y . . .

 

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current fave half frame photos taken with my new fave cam, PEN EES!

R E A D I N G  Been reading a lot of new newsletters I’ve subscribed to like Austin Kleon‘s (author of Steal Like an Artist) and the Farnam Street Blog‘s (which apparently is what people say has the best newsletters out there!) Been reading their recommended articles on DECISION MAKING and taking note of Austin’s books read in 2015; and boy they’re all so good, I had to avail of ThePinkReaderPH‘s unlimited download promo for 15 days, in the hopes of finding some of those books in her list! I’m also reading Attachments by Rainbow Rowell soon if not today, thanks to a recommendation by another blogger I follow!

 

I also took on a challenge I made myself on Goodreads to read 10 books this year and I know it’s pretty easy for others out there, but not for me! So yeah, If I could find Austin Kleon’s Newspaper Blackout (not available in all branches of NBS, Fullybooked and Powerbooks, B and I checked last Friday) and Jenny Offill’s Dept. of Speculation, I’m definitely putting those on my list of books to read this year!

 

W R I T I N G  lovely stuff on my Daykeeper and 365 Wonders planner (yep, I got the latter as well!). Also wrote a very cheesy birthday tribute to Brianne!

 

L I S T E N I N G  to Cheats! and they’re incredible! I’ve tons of indie songs “favorited” on my 8tracks and Spotify accounts that I listen to all the time, but sadly none of those are by local bands. So it brings me joy to finally have a local indie band to listen to. I know there must be heaps of them out there and I just haven’t been patiently looking for them, but since this band is pretty good, I’ll delay the search for now!

 

T H I N K I N G  of how to make this year, if not my year, then a better year!

 

S M E L L I N G  Nothing. No one’s cooking breakfast yet.

 

W I S H I N G  I could do everything on my list of things to do including watering my plants once I publish this post!

 

W E A R I N G  these shiny purple pair of shorts I wore last time I made a TSC (lol) and my MEMC shirt!

 

L O V I N G  my wonderful life and I’m not even sarcastic! I’m pretty okay now, I think! Btw, I did not feel this way last year. I was more anxious back then. Also loving the access to thousands of ebooks and emags on the PinkReaderPH’s database!
Loving Cheats’ Newspaper Girl and Summer. Also loving this newly discovered song, Obsession by Frankie Animal

 

W A N T I N G  to read all of those ebooks and emags I’ve been downloading since yesterday and to go on more dates with Brianne! Now that he’s got his own film camera, we can go on more photowalks together! (we just started the past week!) ❤

 

N E E D I N G  money for when I… (more on this soon!)

 

F E E L I N G  more than okay. I’m glad I survived another year and I’m looking forward to fighting depression and pessimism and all things that made me sad and mad and bad last year. I’m also feeling so inspired. See my previous post to know why! 🙂

 

Off to water my plants now and see the sun rise!

 

How to Love (a birthday tribute)

I’m not sure what title to put in up there yet. Usually, I’d think of a title first and work my way through the whole entry, but I can’t quite name the post yet.

I could just write B’s name. That would work too since this is all going to be about him.

You see, I have written so much about him in the past 4 or 5 years (I was writing about him long before we got together) and that’s just because he’s only been a huge part of my life. So big, that if you read all the entries tagged under B or Bri or boyfriend, you’ll know how much and why I am so in love with him.

Today, he just turned another year older. Fun fact: he’s 3 years younger than me for a little more than a month, and 2 years younger than me for the rest of the year. haha! I secretly feel excited me when his birthday comes up coz it only means one thing, I’ll only be 2 years older than him, at least for the next 10 months!

The age gap between us has been my biggest concern, not so long ago. I would have totally turned him down if it wasn’t for the fact the he was so persistent and sincere. So yes, those were what made me fall for him (plus a whole lot more of surprises down the road).

 

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So is there anything else I haven’t told the world yet about him?

Well, maybe. Last night, we went out on a simple date to celebrate his birthday and something happened that really moved my cold, rock hard heart.

Well, we actually went on several dates this week, to start off the year right. I want to document everything here, so…

  • Monday, 4 January: He went with me to do some personal errands for myself, like shopping at the Common Room in Katips before having lunch at Hot Star Chicken, went to Fujifilm Sto. Domingo to have my 6 rolls of film developed, passed by Sto. Domingo church and had a short photoshoot, paid for the art e-course at BPI, had ELAR’s lechon for dinner before going home
  • Tuesday, 5 January: He wanted to go with me and get my films back so he did after I got out of the office, passed by Sto. Domingo church again, then had dinner at The Dimsum Place, had coffee and tea before going home
  • Wednesday, 6 January: Had a Skype date 🙂
  • Thursday, 7 January: Went around Cubao, had dinner at our favorite Japanese restaurant, Tonkatsu Taka, had tea along Manhattan Parkview before finally parting ways
  • Friday, 8 January: Had dinner at El Pollo Loco, then had coffee at this quiet nook which I forgot the name of, in building A of Mega before finally parting ways along Edsa Central

So here’s the thing, almost all the time, he makes sure he sees me off all the way to the tricycle terminal near my house before he goes on another 2-3 hour ride back home. If that isn’t heartbreaking enough, he has to ride 3 different buses to get home, along with hundreds of commuters late at night.

I never wanted for him to do that for me (at least not anymore), but he insists on doing so because he just wants to make sure I get home safe and sound, but it’s never the same for me. I end up worrying when he doesn’t get back to Cubao in time to catch the last bus ride home, or when we gets home so late at night.

So last night, when we went our separate ways in Edsa Central. I taught him where to get on a bus to Cubao. He didn’t have to take me home since I was going home with my parents. This puts me more at ease because he doesn’t have to go all the way to my house and it’s much easier for him to get home.

Normally, when we’re around the Ortigas area, we can’t be seen together (for the same reason why he still hasn’t met my parents). So we usually go our separate ways as if we’re total strangers. I’m unfair I know.

We had a fairly quick eye contact, sent him a text to go home and before I knew it, he was walking away. I was just looking at him as he disappeared into the crowd. Deep inside I wanted to go after him, but my parents were coming so I stayed. It took me a few more seconds before I decided I wanted to see him off this time. When I got to Edsa, I was shocked by how so many commuters were trying to get a ride home. At first, I thought he must have easily gotten on a bus, but I didn’t move hoping I could still find him in the middle of the crowd. I stood there asking God to let me see him before he goes home. Right after I told Him that, I saw Brianne walking just a few metres away from me. I didn’t call his attention because I didn’t want him to want to stay any longer. I wanted to see him off before my parents came, but when he failed to get on a bus, he walked back towards the sidewalk and that’s the time I went near him and called his name.

I was a bit teary eyed, but I’m glad I caught him before he got home. I couldn’t stay so I had to bid him goodbye before walking back towards our car. My parents had dinner, but the whole time I was texting Brianne, asking if he finally got on a bus. I was trying to hold back my tears because I was getting too emotional knowing that he’s out there trying to get a ride home, while I was comfortably sitting inside Yellow Cab with my parents.

Good thing, I got his text right before we went home that he was finally on his 2nd bus ride home (he only had to take 2 buses since he was already along Edsa). I finally felt so relieved.

On our way home, we were just texting each other super mushy stuff and I couldn’t help but realize how much he goes through just to be able to be with me. And he’s been doing that for the past 4-5 years!

While I’m reliving last night, which seemed like a scene taken straight out of a movie (kulang na lang ulan eh), and typing it everything in here, my tear ducts started to water again. I’m just so overwhelmed with happiness and guilt and love that I feel like the I really am the luckiest girl on earth.

I could only sigh at the fact that I love Brianne so much. I wanted so bad to be a better person for him and for us. He deserves so much more than our petty quarrels and my stubbornness so I’m really working hard to better myself this year, for him and for the people I love the most.

Thank you Brianne and thank you God for making me realize all these.

So that’s it. It got a bit longer than expected, but I just wanted the world to know how lucky I am to have this guy here in my life…

I love you Brianne, for everything that you are and have become. Just so you know, I love you so much more now than I ever have.

I once read that your spouse should be your best friend. I agree with that and it took me a few years before I realized how true it should be. You wouldn’t want to be living with someone you don’t want to connect with, or bond with or be best friends with. Otherwise, life wouldn’t be as good as it should be.

I’m not married to Bri (yet), but I would like to be, someday; and for the rest of our lives, I want us to remain best friends, apart from being overly weird and corny lovers. I want us to remain strong, to be friends even long after we get married and grow old. I want to keep this relationship for a really long time, if not forever.

I love you, B, even if I always say that I don’t really know how to love.

If I am doing it wrong, for sure, I’ll learn how to, with your hand intertwined with mine, of course.

Happy birthday again, my love, my favorite person, singer and 2nd favorite model in the world.

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30 Day Writing Challenge: DAY 19

Discuss Your First Love.

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This has got to be one of the most special entries I have yet to write about. I’m not sure whether to share how I met my first love or how we are now because a few clicks on the tags “B” or “Bri” or “boyfriend” will put the pieces of our story together. I have written so much about him since we’ve met and I don’t know what else to say now.

I have to say though, my first love is definitely an angel sent to me from above. I can’t forget how he always gave me butterflies in my stomach, the kind that made me feel nervous but happy inside. He made me feel like I was someone special when I’ve never even thought of myself as such before. I know how our parents make us feel loved and cared for, but this is different. It was a feeling I never even imagined I could have.

Did I say that he also has the most wonderful voice I have ever heard from among those who I know personally? When he speaks, you’d definitely gush at his manly, proper and calming voice, but when he sings, you might as well just pour a bucket of ice cold water on yourself and don’t say I didn’t warn you! You’d be swept off your feet in an instant and I’m not even exaggerating on this. His voice alone is so damn hot!

Since we’re on the topic, let me just say a few more things about how hot he is. You see, he’s the mysterious and the quiet type. He’s tall and handsome and the way he stares at me makes me melt like crazy. He’s a complete package, to tell you the truth and he’s definitely my type.

Part of this “complete package” I’m talking about is the fact that he’s more than just another guy who’s looking to hook up. Over time I felt our relationship deepened from a simple attraction to what I have come to learn as love. He has become not only my partner-in-crime but also my best friend. He knows everything about me—-my past, my insecurities, my problems, my fears, my imperfections, but those didn’t turn him off. He accepted me for who I am despite all the revelations and seeing the worst version of me.

Today, as I write this, I’m happy to say that I am still so much in love with him. It has been 4 years since we’ve met and even though our story doesn’t depict the perfect relationship we’ve always wanted, I know that I’ve found the perfect first love in him.

He’s my first and I definitely won’t mind if he also becomes my last. 🙂

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