You

bring.jpg

They say that after a woman gives birth, she eventually forgets how painful the whole process is that she wouldn’t mind getting pregnant again and going through all the pain that she once went through.

I can’t help but see a resemblance in the way we feel about falling in and out of love. Love isn’t so much about the way the other person makes us feel. It should be way beyond that, for love is a choice, to stick through the pain and perils of finally giving away your heart entirely to someone who stole and eventually owned it.

I can say for sure how easily I find it to forget all the pain love has caused me because like magic, love has a way to make us feel so many emotions at once. Like magic, love can make us believe in the impossible. Like magic, love can overwhelm us and catch us off guard. Love can lift us up even when it wears us out over and over. Because love is magical and it gives us that giddy feeling in our stomach, we easily want more of it despite all the complications and pain that come with it.

In the past 5 years, I’ve lost count of the times I’ve gotten hurt or hurt the one I love, but we easily fought through all the hard times and negativity because we are just so persistent and determined like that. We just wouldn’t give up, at least not completely. We both are each other’s first loves and I know how first loves are messy and beautiful at the same time. I also know that despite those, we both love each other so much that we just wouldn’t let each other go, no matter how many times we’ve broken up; but sometimes, holding on can do more damage than letting go ever can.

I don’t even know if I’m doing it right, but I love you. I’ve found a best friend and a partner in you which no one can ever replace in my heart.

I hate the fact that our love seems so right, yet everything else feels so wrong. I hate that the we were given but a fleeting chance to love. I hate that you were given to me, yet will only be taken away. I hate that those that once cheered us on, now only want us apart. I hate that I now have to put away this ring with your name on it. I hate how the once sweet words we have for each other became bitter and sad. I hate that we always talked about marriage and having our own family, yet here we are back to being strangers again.I hate that our paths met, but never to remain intertwined like how I always dreamed of.

But just so you know, I don’t hate you. I don’t hate the fact that the whole universe seem to conspire to break us apart. I don’t even hate the fact that there is now a story of more woe than of Romeo and Juliet’s, and that is ours.

I love you and I hope that when you look at the stars at night, you see the world not as a traitor that robbed you of happiness. I wish that the brightly peppered sky rather remind you of the hope and happiness He promised to come. I hope that when I see you again, we both are rid of all the pain, have completely forgiven each other and eager and brave to love again (whether each other or strangers we have yet to meet), much like the women who fear not the pain of bringing another child into this curious, little world.

IMG_20161129_170317.jpg

Nobody said it was easy. Missing you already.

LRM_EXPORT_20161130_114431.jpg

1002247091395102230616

I should teach myself to cry

I miss my bum days. I miss staying up late and pigging out. I miss doing nothing and everything at the same time, and today, I’m going to miss one more thing…..eerrr person that has been a HUGE part of my life for the past years. B.

Our relationship has been a real roller coaster ride for us both and this blog has been a big witness to that. Over the years, I’ve seen our relationship transitioned from what we were before to what we have become now and by the tone of my writing, you should already know how it turned out.

I’m not really sure I should be doing what I’m doing just hours after “it” happened, but who knows exactly what to do after a breakup, right? There, I said it. But it’s true. It’s different for every person, I guess. Take for example how I’m not surprised I didn’t wallow in self pity or cry myself to sleep tonight. It might be because I’ve already been through those one too many times before, or I did really see this coming, or maybe because I felt like I was boyfriendless long before I really became boyfriendless? or maybe, just maybe, it hasn’t really sunk it yet because I’ll have to admit, we did exchange a few more texts after we broke up because our last phone call got cut when my sister got home (we share a bedroom, technically). Talk about bad timing, but I did try to make it less dramatic this time and laughed it off and he did the same, so it’s not really how I expected our “real break up” would be. I guess it also has something to do with it being a mutual decision because we both knew that it really had to happen anyway. We accepted it. We did it. We should deal with it…the right way. IT. So it that how I’m going to pertain to “it” now? IT? I should name it something else, something less bitter? Like jellybean? Para sweet? sabaaaaaaaaaaaaw

So now, speaking of dealing with it the right way, I’m just waiting for FRIENDS to buffer on another tab so I could stay up all night for a marathon of the best thing left on this planet. CHOS. (Ooopsie Here goes the emoterang frog again.) The moment he and some friends who are still up or at work, stopped texting and I realized that I just woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep, I had the sudden craving for this all nighter.

The first whole season I’ve seen of FRIENDS was the third one and it kind of revolved around Ross and Rachel and how they fell in love the first time and how it ended up badly. So now, I’m kind of torn if I’m going to continue watching season 1 first to see how they ended up together or season 4 to see how they moved on to still being friends after the break up. Hmmmmmm…. tough choice, I know!

Anyway, I know whichever I choose, I won’t be disappointed because it’s too funny and I shouldn’t even be too hard on myself. I just broke up with the love of my life! Heeellleeeeerrrrrrrrr! I should be laughing hard right now. Speaking of something funny, since I’m following Hollywood Life here on WordPress, I get my daily dose of surprise!—–hollywood life, and the first thing I saw on my feed was this! It’s about Karrueche Tran and Chris Brown. It says there that they’ve been together for years na pala, mygad and no matter how hard it has been for her to stick with him, she never let him go, hoping that in time, he’ll change into a better man. It also said that she ain’t working her a** off making him a better man for someone else, so she’s all clingy and overprotective of her man…. or something like that. What struck me most though was this:

Our insider also revealed why Karrueche is overprotective of their relationship.”He made her this way. He broke her heart several times and she loves him so much she’s still there. I ain’t saying she’s blaming him but if there’s someone to blame for making her crazy and act like a guard dog, it’s Chris.” (Hollywood Life)

Story of my life? charot Story of Jelena yata yan! Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. 😛 When I read that, I just felt sorry for them because that’s exactly what happened between me and my ex. OOOOUUUCH! EX agad??!? Should I really use that term already? Can I use bebelove, even for just the next 3 days? hahaha! Kidding aside, that’s not even healthy anymore. She’s being too idealistic when she should be realistic. But who am I to judge, right? I’ve been there too and had bebelove refused to let me go again this time, I wouldn’t have had the guts to end our…..our……..I’m thinking of something really funny to say….. please bear with me….. our failed happy ending. YUN EH!

Anyway, B and I, I still believe in a happy ending for us. It might not be for the next maybe 3-5 years? **kitty puss-in-boots eyes** but I still want it to work between us. We both still want it to work, diba Bri, umagree ka pag mabasa mo ‘to or lagot ka sakin! haha! But for now, we really have to stay out of each other’s lives and try to focus on ourselves. If in time, he falls for another girl, then I should just jump off any building from at least the 40th floor………………………….just kidding! Well, I should be happy for him because he found someone much more deserving of his love. Meganon? And it’s something that he shouldn’t deny of himself…to find someone to be really happy with and I should be okay with that. yesss, akala naka move on na agad. Daming side comments noh? I think I’m starting to have a dual personality. Chos. This is just how I’m choosing to deal with it. By making fun of it, so again, bear with me, friends.

So should I still teach myself to cry? Naaaah, I don’t need that. We only cry for the dead and our love, it hasn’t died yet! Lakas ng fighting spirit! And I know that whatever happens after this, I know that our love was (emphasis) real and I’m happy I met him and that he’s my first love. I wouldn’t change a thing in our story (yea even the negatives because those taught me a lot), because that’s ours and nothing and no one can take that away from me.

P.S.I know he’s going to get mad when he sees I’m playing this song, because he knows I’ve dedicated this to someone else before, but it’s all that has been playing in my mind for weeks now….

And i like what this guy said and I agree with him.

ouch

So now I’m reading people’s comments about the song and it’s finally sinking in. I’m really going to need God, all my friends and all the help I can get. It’s really been a long time since I last held hands with you, more so since I last hugged or kissed you and I never even got to for one last time. I miss everything about you, but I’m glad I told you.