You

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They say that after a woman gives birth, she eventually forgets how painful the whole process is that she wouldn’t mind getting pregnant again and going through all the pain that she once went through.

I can’t help but see a resemblance in the way we feel about falling in and out of love. Love isn’t so much about the way the other person makes us feel. It should be way beyond that, for love is a choice, to stick through the pain and perils of finally giving away your heart entirely to someone who stole and eventually owned it.

I can say for sure how easily I find it to forget all the pain love has caused me because like magic, love has a way to make us feel so many emotions at once. Like magic, love can make us believe in the impossible. Like magic, love can overwhelm us and catch us off guard. Love can lift us up even when it wears us out over and over. Because love is magical and it gives us that giddy feeling in our stomach, we easily want more of it despite all the complications and pain that come with it.

In the past 5 years, I’ve lost count of the times I’ve gotten hurt or hurt the one I love, but we easily fought through all the hard times and negativity because we are just so persistent and determined like that. We just wouldn’t give up, at least not completely. We both are each other’s first loves and I know how first loves are messy and beautiful at the same time. I also know that despite those, we both love each other so much that we just wouldn’t let each other go, no matter how many times we’ve broken up; but sometimes, holding on can do more damage than letting go ever can.

I don’t even know if I’m doing it right, but I love you. I’ve found a best friend and a partner in you which no one can ever replace in my heart.

I hate the fact that our love seems so right, yet everything else feels so wrong. I hate that the we were given but a fleeting chance to love. I hate that you were given to me, yet will only be taken away. I hate that those that once cheered us on, now only want us apart. I hate that I now have to put away this ring with your name on it. I hate how the once sweet words we have for each other became bitter and sad. I hate that we always talked about marriage and having our own family, yet here we are back to being strangers again.I hate that our paths met, but never to remain intertwined like how I always dreamed of.

But just so you know, I don’t hate you. I don’t hate the fact that the whole universe seem to conspire to break us apart. I don’t even hate the fact that there is now a story of more woe than of Romeo and Juliet’s, and that is ours.

I love you and I hope that when you look at the stars at night, you see the world not as a traitor that robbed you of happiness. I wish that the brightly peppered sky rather remind you of the hope and happiness He promised to come. I hope that when I see you again, we both are rid of all the pain, have completely forgiven each other and eager and brave to love again (whether each other or strangers we have yet to meet), much like the women who fear not the pain of bringing another child into this curious, little world.

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Nobody said it was easy. Missing you already.

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Life ends as I know it

Today, I thought that I’ve gone too far with being someone I’m not. I used to be someone else. I used to be naive, hopeful, but ironically, a hopeless romantic.

I found someone special and to quote Gerry from the movie/book P.S. I Love You, meeting him “was the end of life as I knew it“.

Beautiful quote, isn’t it? I’m never going to get tired of watching Gerard Butler and Hilary Swank in the movie adaptation. They were awesome and they always make me cry, no matter how many times I watch the film. It is after all, my comfort movie. I watch it when I’m happy and even when I’m sad because it has its way of always making me feel better, whether I’m in a mood or not.

I watched it early this afternoon and as always, I broke into tears.

It really isn’t easy losing someone, let alone someone you care for so much; and you don’t realize how special and important he/she is in your life until he/she’s gone.

What makes this a feel good movie, even though everyone knows Gerard’s character, Gerry dies, is that it gives so much hope that no matter how tragic life can get, eventually, anyone can and will get back on their feet, if they want to.

I love how realistic they made the movie seem, how beautiful the twist was, how lovely Irish people and Irish music are, how husband material Gerry’s character is and how moving Holly‘s, Hilary Swank’s character, journey became.

**btw, I love how Gerard’s character’s name started with a G and Hilary’s character’s name started with an H! 😉

Going back, I also love how the movie always reminds me that life is short and that anything can happen. If you’re a softy like me, I know you’d feel as remorseful as I do, every single time I watch this.

Like in the movie, sometimes, life can really be unfair.You lose someone you just can never have back in your life. It’s irreversible and there’s just nothing you can do about it. Likewise, life ends there as you know it. There’d even be a time when you don’t even get to say goodbye. How much more painful can it get than that?

I’m much luckier to get the chance to say goodbye though. It would’ve been harder for me if I didn’t, but I’m still not over the fact that he’s gone as he’s been a part of me and my life for so long that I may have forgotten what it’s like to live without him.

I can’t keep chasing after him though and I can’t keep moping around, at least not for long, so I decided to write to him instead. Writing is very therapeutic for me but I can’t keep putting down everything in here so I thought I’d write to him through another way, through letters. Everyday, I’d write to him until I don’t feel so bad anymore, or maybe until I have finally and fully accepted that he’s gone forever.

I don’t have to give the letters to him though because, duh, he’s gone. I just want to do it because it would seem as if I’m able to talk to him again.

It sucks that life hasn’t been easy for me for the past year and that I had to learn things the hard way, but again, I’m not blaming anyone but myself. I know what I did and I know what I could have done, but didn’t. I’m not wishing for anything right now except that we both get by and find peace in going our separate ways.

So that’s it! I guess it’s time to write him letter #1.

Here are two of my favorite scenes and favorite songs in the movie. One makes me cry and the other makes me feel so giddy.

Love you til the end

Galway Girl

 

The Sunday Currently, Volume 11

It has been 3 months since I last posted a TSC entry! 3 months?!?!! Anyway, I missed doing so, so

 

C U R R E N T L Y . . .

 

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current fave half frame photos taken with my new fave cam, PEN EES!

R E A D I N G  Been reading a lot of new newsletters I’ve subscribed to like Austin Kleon‘s (author of Steal Like an Artist) and the Farnam Street Blog‘s (which apparently is what people say has the best newsletters out there!) Been reading their recommended articles on DECISION MAKING and taking note of Austin’s books read in 2015; and boy they’re all so good, I had to avail of ThePinkReaderPH‘s unlimited download promo for 15 days, in the hopes of finding some of those books in her list! I’m also reading Attachments by Rainbow Rowell soon if not today, thanks to a recommendation by another blogger I follow!

 

I also took on a challenge I made myself on Goodreads to read 10 books this year and I know it’s pretty easy for others out there, but not for me! So yeah, If I could find Austin Kleon’s Newspaper Blackout (not available in all branches of NBS, Fullybooked and Powerbooks, B and I checked last Friday) and Jenny Offill’s Dept. of Speculation, I’m definitely putting those on my list of books to read this year!

 

W R I T I N G  lovely stuff on my Daykeeper and 365 Wonders planner (yep, I got the latter as well!). Also wrote a very cheesy birthday tribute to Brianne!

 

L I S T E N I N G  to Cheats! and they’re incredible! I’ve tons of indie songs “favorited” on my 8tracks and Spotify accounts that I listen to all the time, but sadly none of those are by local bands. So it brings me joy to finally have a local indie band to listen to. I know there must be heaps of them out there and I just haven’t been patiently looking for them, but since this band is pretty good, I’ll delay the search for now!

 

T H I N K I N G  of how to make this year, if not my year, then a better year!

 

S M E L L I N G  Nothing. No one’s cooking breakfast yet.

 

W I S H I N G  I could do everything on my list of things to do including watering my plants once I publish this post!

 

W E A R I N G  these shiny purple pair of shorts I wore last time I made a TSC (lol) and my MEMC shirt!

 

L O V I N G  my wonderful life and I’m not even sarcastic! I’m pretty okay now, I think! Btw, I did not feel this way last year. I was more anxious back then. Also loving the access to thousands of ebooks and emags on the PinkReaderPH’s database!
Loving Cheats’ Newspaper Girl and Summer. Also loving this newly discovered song, Obsession by Frankie Animal

 

W A N T I N G  to read all of those ebooks and emags I’ve been downloading since yesterday and to go on more dates with Brianne! Now that he’s got his own film camera, we can go on more photowalks together! (we just started the past week!) ❤

 

N E E D I N G  money for when I… (more on this soon!)

 

F E E L I N G  more than okay. I’m glad I survived another year and I’m looking forward to fighting depression and pessimism and all things that made me sad and mad and bad last year. I’m also feeling so inspired. See my previous post to know why! 🙂

 

Off to water my plants now and see the sun rise!

 

How to Love (a birthday tribute)

I’m not sure what title to put in up there yet. Usually, I’d think of a title first and work my way through the whole entry, but I can’t quite name the post yet.

I could just write B’s name. That would work too since this is all going to be about him.

You see, I have written so much about him in the past 4 or 5 years (I was writing about him long before we got together) and that’s just because he’s only been a huge part of my life. So big, that if you read all the entries tagged under B or Bri or boyfriend, you’ll know how much and why I am so in love with him.

Today, he just turned another year older. Fun fact: he’s 3 years younger than me for a little more than a month, and 2 years younger than me for the rest of the year. haha! I secretly feel excited me when his birthday comes up coz it only means one thing, I’ll only be 2 years older than him, at least for the next 10 months!

The age gap between us has been my biggest concern, not so long ago. I would have totally turned him down if it wasn’t for the fact the he was so persistent and sincere. So yes, those were what made me fall for him (plus a whole lot more of surprises down the road).

 

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So is there anything else I haven’t told the world yet about him?

Well, maybe. Last night, we went out on a simple date to celebrate his birthday and something happened that really moved my cold, rock hard heart.

Well, we actually went on several dates this week, to start off the year right. I want to document everything here, so…

  • Monday, 4 January: He went with me to do some personal errands for myself, like shopping at the Common Room in Katips before having lunch at Hot Star Chicken, went to Fujifilm Sto. Domingo to have my 6 rolls of film developed, passed by Sto. Domingo church and had a short photoshoot, paid for the art e-course at BPI, had ELAR’s lechon for dinner before going home
  • Tuesday, 5 January: He wanted to go with me and get my films back so he did after I got out of the office, passed by Sto. Domingo church again, then had dinner at The Dimsum Place, had coffee and tea before going home
  • Wednesday, 6 January: Had a Skype date 🙂
  • Thursday, 7 January: Went around Cubao, had dinner at our favorite Japanese restaurant, Tonkatsu Taka, had tea along Manhattan Parkview before finally parting ways
  • Friday, 8 January: Had dinner at El Pollo Loco, then had coffee at this quiet nook which I forgot the name of, in building A of Mega before finally parting ways along Edsa Central

So here’s the thing, almost all the time, he makes sure he sees me off all the way to the tricycle terminal near my house before he goes on another 2-3 hour ride back home. If that isn’t heartbreaking enough, he has to ride 3 different buses to get home, along with hundreds of commuters late at night.

I never wanted for him to do that for me (at least not anymore), but he insists on doing so because he just wants to make sure I get home safe and sound, but it’s never the same for me. I end up worrying when he doesn’t get back to Cubao in time to catch the last bus ride home, or when we gets home so late at night.

So last night, when we went our separate ways in Edsa Central. I taught him where to get on a bus to Cubao. He didn’t have to take me home since I was going home with my parents. This puts me more at ease because he doesn’t have to go all the way to my house and it’s much easier for him to get home.

Normally, when we’re around the Ortigas area, we can’t be seen together (for the same reason why he still hasn’t met my parents). So we usually go our separate ways as if we’re total strangers. I’m unfair I know.

We had a fairly quick eye contact, sent him a text to go home and before I knew it, he was walking away. I was just looking at him as he disappeared into the crowd. Deep inside I wanted to go after him, but my parents were coming so I stayed. It took me a few more seconds before I decided I wanted to see him off this time. When I got to Edsa, I was shocked by how so many commuters were trying to get a ride home. At first, I thought he must have easily gotten on a bus, but I didn’t move hoping I could still find him in the middle of the crowd. I stood there asking God to let me see him before he goes home. Right after I told Him that, I saw Brianne walking just a few metres away from me. I didn’t call his attention because I didn’t want him to want to stay any longer. I wanted to see him off before my parents came, but when he failed to get on a bus, he walked back towards the sidewalk and that’s the time I went near him and called his name.

I was a bit teary eyed, but I’m glad I caught him before he got home. I couldn’t stay so I had to bid him goodbye before walking back towards our car. My parents had dinner, but the whole time I was texting Brianne, asking if he finally got on a bus. I was trying to hold back my tears because I was getting too emotional knowing that he’s out there trying to get a ride home, while I was comfortably sitting inside Yellow Cab with my parents.

Good thing, I got his text right before we went home that he was finally on his 2nd bus ride home (he only had to take 2 buses since he was already along Edsa). I finally felt so relieved.

On our way home, we were just texting each other super mushy stuff and I couldn’t help but realize how much he goes through just to be able to be with me. And he’s been doing that for the past 4-5 years!

While I’m reliving last night, which seemed like a scene taken straight out of a movie (kulang na lang ulan eh), and typing it everything in here, my tear ducts started to water again. I’m just so overwhelmed with happiness and guilt and love that I feel like the I really am the luckiest girl on earth.

I could only sigh at the fact that I love Brianne so much. I wanted so bad to be a better person for him and for us. He deserves so much more than our petty quarrels and my stubbornness so I’m really working hard to better myself this year, for him and for the people I love the most.

Thank you Brianne and thank you God for making me realize all these.

So that’s it. It got a bit longer than expected, but I just wanted the world to know how lucky I am to have this guy here in my life…

I love you Brianne, for everything that you are and have become. Just so you know, I love you so much more now than I ever have.

I once read that your spouse should be your best friend. I agree with that and it took me a few years before I realized how true it should be. You wouldn’t want to be living with someone you don’t want to connect with, or bond with or be best friends with. Otherwise, life wouldn’t be as good as it should be.

I’m not married to Bri (yet), but I would like to be, someday; and for the rest of our lives, I want us to remain best friends, apart from being overly weird and corny lovers. I want us to remain strong, to be friends even long after we get married and grow old. I want to keep this relationship for a really long time, if not forever.

I love you, B, even if I always say that I don’t really know how to love.

If I am doing it wrong, for sure, I’ll learn how to, with your hand intertwined with mine, of course.

Happy birthday again, my love, my favorite person, singer and 2nd favorite model in the world.

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Life Lately / 5

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I can’t believe 2015’s over in just a few hours. It’s been a scary, depressing but amazing year for me and I wouldn’t have been able to make it through without the people who helped me and the exciting new things I’ve got to try!

For this Life Lately entry, I’m listing down the things, experiences and people I’m really, really, really grateful for in 2015.

  • THINGS:
    • Film Cameras: This year, I’ve added a few more cameras to my collection, all of which I’ve used except for the Minolta weathermatic camera. So If I remember everything correctly, I got:
      • Yashica Electro 35G rangefinder in sexy red 🙂
      • Polaroid Land Camera 230 which is the most old school camera I’ve ever held in my hands in this lifetime
      • Olympus AM-100 Point and Shoot – didn’t think I’d enjoy using one!
      • Minolta Weathermatic underwater camera
      • Yashicaflex TLR – still trying to figure out which one it isIMG_20151204_220732
      • Olympus Pen EE-S – a half frame camera I never thought I’ll ever find IMG_20151219_152911
    • I also got myself a cheap film scanner. It’s not the best but it has been quite useful.
    • I’m also grateful to finally have started investing for my own life insurance. I would never have been confident in getting one without my former colleague’s help, Ma’am Donna and of course, my sister.
    • Adult coloring books and my own Daykeeper. Not so long ago, I saw a bunch of these adult coloring books online and I’ve been curious since it was on the bestselling list of the Book Depository, so when the fad finally arrived in the RPH, I jumped into the bandwagon, hoping to de-stress and unwind. My officemates also got me another one, coz my wrinkles might have given me away. 😛 Kidding aside, it was very thoughtful of them. I also got my own Daykeeper. Last year, I didn’t get to order in time so I made sure I ordered extra early this year!
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    • Hammock – How could I not be thankful for these cheap hammocks we got in Taytay? I could stay behind our house for hours just looking at the stars at night on these precious little hammocks. 000027
  • TRAVELS/EXPERIENCES:
    • This year, I got to travel more with my family and some friends and first time with B. To be honest, I would never have been able to do so when I was working in the hospital so I have to say, my current job really has its perks.
      • To start things off, this is not exactly far from us since we’re from Rizal, but my family visited the beautiful Pinto Art Museum in Antipolo. My father got the idea from my sister who just went there with her then boyfriend the day before. LOL. We had an amazing time. My heart exploded having seen so many lovely works of art in one place in 2 hours. I didn’t want to go home, but I’m glad it’s so near, I could go back when I want to, and also I need to make sure that my films are properly loaded! 10974402_10206310924117774_833056609924935684_o
      • We went to Pagudpud for the first time and visited a few of the landmarks in the region that we haven’t been to yet:
      • We stayed at the farthest resort in Pagudpud, Pannzian and it was magnificent. The food was great and the place is relaxing. There was no WIFI, no cell service and no TVs, so it was just us and the beach!PIC20150515220112
  • We also got to try the Sand Dune activities in Paoay for the first time! It was unforgettable! 000027
    • We also visited Cape Bojeador and got to try fresh seafood streetfood. I still cannot forget getting a piece of fresh grilled squid for P10. No wonder everyone’s stopping by the road to try them and the rest of their seafood choices. They were dirt cheap, but super fresh and yummy! I’d go back to Ilocos just to hoard these! 000011
  • In May, my sister planned another trip up north, to Bagac, Bataan. It was another first for our family and we got to stay at the beautiful Las Casas Filipinas de Acuzar. The moment we got there, I can’t express how we were so in awe of the reconstructed ancient houses in the whole resort. Even the hotel rooms looked as if they were literally transported from the past. It’s definitely one place I want to visit again, especially in Summer.11222305_10152807686751895_8834770626067608159_n
  • Also in May, my officemates and I went on a quick weekend getaway to Laiya, Batangas and I’m glad B was able to come with me. It was our first trip together and I was very happy it turned out pretty amazing. We stayed at the beautiful Blue Coral Resort000024
  • In June, B and I got to watch the UP Samaskom’s LIVE AIDS. I have to say it was one of the craziest and funniest shows I’ve seen in my life and we’re lucky because it was their 30th year and the it was directed by Tuesday Vargas herself!
  • B and I also got to visit UP’s Chocolate Kiss Cafe twice this year and these were 2 of our most memorable dates. 🙂 new000034
  • We also got to visit the beautiful Monasterio de Tarlac which is situated in one of the mountains in San Jose, Tarlac. We also squeezed in a bit of biking with our parents in the equally peaceful Tarlac Recreational Park before capping the night off at a karting place called KCT nearby. Did I also say that this was back in my birthday? image-9c0643ac995f80d759e09cd354f04222339391237d049ef3d3d49490a60776ba-V-01image-a791d6fe0d19bfff9d8524201f7f939b138041b024c7ca6e006719a86f7792a3-V-01
  • A few days after, we had a chance to visit Padre Pio’s shrine in Sto. Tomas, Batangas. The place was flocked by so many devotees and I’m glad to be part of that, being a devotee myself. new000025
  • Just a few days ago, we had the chance to visit the beautiful Laresio Resort situated in the Alligator Lake itself in Laguna. I’m really thankful it turned out well since it was a vacation that we, the kids, planned for our whole little clan. We got to try their resort attractions like their giant slides, vine swing, cliff diving and kayaking. It was also our first trip with my tito’s girlfriend whom he got back together with, years after it didn’t work out (I assume) between them when they were in college. Isn’t that crazy beautiful? image-a72c966c7092288cc66fb1ee3e20f7f3e1128dfa67cb431f583f24c41dcfa807-V-01
  • To cap things off this year, we got to drive around Clark, Pampanga and do a bit of shopping before finally ending the day back in KCT, this time with our brother. It was so nice to be back! FB_IMG_1451411875760-01
  • PEOPLE:
    • Lastly, above all of these, what I’m more grateful for are the people I’ve shared these moments with, this year. Without them, I don’t really know where I’d be now:
      • My family – They’ll always be the one I would want to come home to, travel with and spend amazing quality time with. They’re forever going to be the people I’ll love unconditionally. I’ll always be thankful for them for the strength, faith, love and profound happiness in my life right now.image-7d0f997e861b12b0d4cea667952fc51ac228c04f8eb68e4e613cf344cc2f9e72-V-01
      • Brianne – He’s beyond the best friend and partner I never imagined I could have. Apart from my family, he’s one of the reasons why I have never given up on life, no matter how ugly it has been. He’s been with me through the most trying times and through my worst days and he has seen the worst version of me. Thank you for holding on.
      • A few of my friends – I’m really grateful for those who stuck with me. I’m a mess and I’m to blame for losing the ones I’ve had, but I never thought that there’d be people who would stay despite my personal issues and I want to thank you all for that. Thank you for listening and just for making me feel that I’m not alone. I specifically want to thank 4 of them, Joey, Juci, Ina and Ma’am Donna for taking me out this year. Having spent time with you all was a breath of fresh air!
      • I’m also grateful for my officemates who have been really helpful and thoughtful and for making me laugh from time to time. Life in the office (and the constant changes in the office) wouldn’t have been bearable without them.
      • I’m also thankful for manang. She has been my dinner mate for the past year and we’ve been bonding over a lot of telenovelas, even though she’s a Kapuso and I’m a Kapamilya. 😛

This year has been really ugly, but looking at the bright side, I didn’t think it would be this beautiful still. Looking back at all of these things, it truly is a miracle that I have so many reasons to feel grateful for.

I’ve been through the worst this year and I don’t think I could ever go this low in life, but despite all these, never have I felt abandoned by God, not once. Even at the brink of giving up, I felt Him there and He always gave me a reason to hold on. So thank you Lord, for 2015. It was the most meaningful year yet and even though I’ve never been the best me this year, I hope I could make it right someday.

Here’s to another beautiful year!

P.S. I’m also thankful for:

seeing this:image-cfaed3c45744dd13dfb8b195d5a877453391d4daeea190f7139ab4255e59f08a-V-01

and this:

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