Ikaw

 

Hindi ko lubos akalain na yung taong minsang naging malaking parte ng buhay ko, wala na.

Hindi ko akalain na malipas ang halos 2 taon pagkatapos naming maghiwalay, iiyakan ko pa rin siya. Siguro dahil sa pagkakataong ito, alam kong hindi na muling magkkrus ang landas namin; at sa pagkakataong to, alam kong hindi na ako kawalan sa kanya.

Sana dumating ang panahon na pareho na tayong masaya. Sana sa bawat paglubog at pagsikat muli ng araw, makamtam ang pag-asang muling magiging makulay ang buhay na minsang nabahiran ng sakit at pagdurusa.

Wala na akong ibang hihilingin pa kundi ang katahimikan ng aking puso’t isip at ang mabigyan ng pagkakataong muling magmahal na hindi iniinda ang kaakibat nitong sakit at pagdurusa.

Balang araw, ang mugto kong mga mata ay mapapalitan rin ng ngiting walang hanggan.

mars2

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One Great Takeaway from READY PLAYER ONE

Yesterday, I was feeling a little more tired than usual and was passing time in Megamall as my sister and I waited for our turn at the dentist.

As someone who has depression, I think it’s pretty normal to have days when you don’t feel like doing anything. Yesterday was one of those days when even the thought of doing something artsy didn’t excite me as much, and it bothered me.

Good thing, there was “READY PLAYER ONE“!

I’ve been wanting to see this for about a week now and I’m glad I saw it with none other than my sister coz I went home in Manila for the loooong weekend to celebrate a lot of my family’s birthdays.

So I’m right back to feeling high again. Truthfully, I don’t like this “YOYO” effect on my emotions, but I’ll make do with what I get for now, and what I got was one heck of a reality check (pun intended), thanks to RPO!

I’m assuming everyone has seen this since it’s a Steven Spielberg movie, so a little spoiler won’t hurt, but I just wanna make sure I get this one great takeaway from the movie on this blog as I would with any other thing I treasure the most and it’s the moral.

I didn’t get the exact lines (and I couldn’t find them online), but I loved the scene in James Halliday‘s room in the end, where he said that most of us choose to escape reality by resorting to virtual realities or for most of us, the online world. Because of this, we fail to make connections in real life, in the real world, which is how one should live.

I also loved the part when he said that we shouldn’t be afraid to feel disappointed or hurt, because that is part of living. We get hurt every once in a while, but that shouldn’t stop us from living life in REALITY.

So I found the quote from the book, (Thanks GOODREADS!)

“I created the OASIS because I never felt at home in the real world. I didn’t know how to connect with the people there. I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it’s also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.
Ernest Cline, Ready Player One“‘

I cried a little on that part, partly coz I felt sorry for James Halliday, and hugely because I somehow felt the same way. One day, we would all be living a life in a box if we don’t start living right now.

I know this sounds easy for me to say, but in a few days when the movie’s effect on me wears off, and I’m back in reality, I would say that we escape it because of our fears. Fear of rejection, failure, disappointment, fear of losing your job, your partner, your money, that is all there is. So we stop living because all we have are our fears.

When this happens to me, I pray and I think of how great our God is and how in a blink of an eye, He can turn things around and how He is bigger than all of our fears and problems.

One day we are all going to die, but before that happens, I wanna make sure that I truly have lived. Even if the world seems so full of shit, there is still some good in it.

How I think I’m able to manage my depression

I don’t think I have been vocal about my mental health issues on this blog. I may have been writing stuff on my struggles, but not once did I ever admit that I am depressed.

Back in college when we tackled mental health in Psychiatric Nursing, it was not a secret that most people don’t seek for medical attention for conditions concerning the psychological functioning of the brain. It used to be a taboo in our society and seeking for psychistric help will not make a good impression on others especially if you have a reputation to protect.

But long are those days when we cannot speak about depression and more broadly, mental health. I graduated in college in 2011. 7 years later, here I am, braving the online world and openly admitting that I have been through depression myself and still not sure if I have overcome it or continuing to battle it.

One thing anyone should know about depression is that it is as serious as cancer and it affects our bodies just the same as cancer cripples the lungs, bone, liver etc. It is an illness and it should be treated with professional help.

Over the period of 7 years, from 2011 to the present, I witnessed people go through depression. I have friends who have come to me and tell me they’re depressed. I have read news on people committing suicide because of depression. I myself became depressed which may have been due to what I can call the eternal quarter life crisis.

To add to a directionless life I was treading, there was social media. Of course, there are other much profound causes of depression such as problems at work, with partners, with finances, with bullies, but If I could name 1 major factor that leads to depression “these days”, I would definitely say, SOCIAL MEDIA.

People seeing their peers having the time of their lives mislead their brains into thinking that they have it all and that they are living THE life, and that one wrong action no one should ever do, but they do still, is to COMPARE.

That, my friends is one simple recipe for disaster. I know this because I’ve been there and I have definitely done that.

Good thing though, we now have evolved into a society that embraces negativity in such a way that helps motivate and encourage positivity despite these struggles. We have accepted depression as a serious condition that we should also give as much attention as we give to those with toothache or cancer. We have also learned to recognize symptoms of depression and how to extend support to those who need it. And as many as those celebrities who have come forward to admit that they have been sexually harrassed, or who have come out of the closet to say that they have HIV or are gay, are those who have also bravely come into the light to say that they have been battling or battled depression.

One good thing that this coming out into the open resulted to is that more and more have been aware. More have been encouraged, more have been helped, and more are inspired to do the same.

So even though I am going through a lot of these issues myself, I won’t let them overpower me. I want to fight it just as much as we want to fight poverty, injustice, and all things evil. I want to keep fighting for my friends who are also going through the same thing. I want to keep fighting because this world has still so much good in it. I want to keep fighting because I have family and friends who love me deeply and I have a God who empowers me and holds my hand tightly through it all.

I have not sought for any professional help mainly because of financial reasons, but should I find someone who can charge reasonably, I would definitely go for it! Although over the past years, I have learned to cope and get by through prayer.

Our brain is such a powerful tool. Many have achieved and invented remarkable things that have been put to good use because of it, but sadly there have also been downsides to having such an organ, but it isn’t a secret that we are in control of it and we can make it work to our advantage.

I know I have a long way to go to overcome this, but what works for me now is PRAYER. Some may not think that this can help, but here I am still, never giving up, because I believe in a God of overflowing mercy, kindness and love and that is where I hold on to. Apart from reading self help books and articles, talking to really great friends like JANNINA, who has a brain of a genius, at the end of day, I talk to Him alone. I know that He is out there, and He won’t give up on me.

And that is how I am able to manage my depression and I’m proud of how far I have come since.

Hope this helps and lights up something you can hold on to! If you are suffering from depression, there are hotlines in the country that you can call. There are Psychiatrists in the country that you can trust to help you. You are not alone in this fight. You can get through this and remember to count all your blessings and love yourself. Life is beautiful and we have a God whom you can ALWAYS count on. Never give up!

Xoxo,


The Only Good Thing in My Life

We all know that FRIENDS episode when Ross was super whiney (I mean, whinier than usual) because someone at work ate his sandwich, right?

Well, he was having a difficult time with his second marriage at the time and he explained that the only good thing in his life then was the sandwich he brought to work; but then, a co-worker ate it so he came running to his friends and threw the biggest tantrum an adult could ever do.

That’s super painful to watch. Imagine this gigantic man screaming like a girl.

https://giphy.com/embed/jM2X9id0zJS0wvia GIPHY

That was before I got into a little mishap (or should I say, a couple of them) today.

My day was going fine, until the security alarm in the department store I went to today went off when I passed through it. As per routine, the security personnel asked to check my stuff, so I handed him my bag without hesitation. I was calm the whole time and they apologized when they learned that the alarm was triggered by the bar code sticker (of National Bookstore) at the back of the book in my bag.

With utter nonchalance, I went on with my business, which was just to go home after a long day, not caring about those who stopped to see what the commotion was about.

When I got inside my car, I texted my brother and one of my dearest friends here in Cebu about what happened, but then I couldn’t brush it off my head, remembering how one girl looked at me as if I did something wrong.

I was overthinking again. What if someone took my photo. What if those people judged me outright for something I did not do? Why did it have to happen to me? Did I honestly deserve to be put to shame like that? Was that karma for something I did in the past? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY DID I HAVE TO BE PUT IN THAT SITUATION?!

I let it go then off I went to get food for me and a friend. Unfortunately, all the odds weren’t in my favor as the food I got for myself spilled. I wasn’t going to cry, but then THAT WAS THE ONLY GOOD THING IN MY LIFE, but just like that, it was gone.

For the first time ever, I drove off with tears running uncontrollably down my eyes.

My hormones must be on fire as I couldn’t hold back my tears.

Suddenly, all my other worries came rushing in my mind. I was so sad, I wanted God to hug me.

When I was walking back up to my apartment, I thought, this must have been what Ross felt when someone ate the only good thing in his life, right?!!

Truly, things happen for a reason, but since I couldn’t think of what that may be and since I got to write about it here anyway, I’ll just let it go and let God.

I am sooo f*cking tired, emotional and saaaaaaaaaaad. I wish I could crawl back into my shell and never come out again.

Why did it have to happen to me? I was slaving my a** off helping people around all weekend, but that wasn’t enough to spare me that moment.

Have you ever considered that being kind doesn’t equate to a problem-free life? That’s why people often ask “Why do bad things happen to good people?”

I guess, we all need to be put in such situations in order to learn, to not take things for granted and to be more cautious in the choices that we make in life.

Happy Sunday everyone! Laban lang!

xoxo,

mars2