Life Lately / At My Worst

My boyfriend and I had an argument the other night and it took a turn for the worst or best (depending on how you look at it). I thought it will be the end of our month-old relationship. It was a wake up call for me and I’m grateful that we had that fight; otherwise, I wouldn’t have this huge epiphany.

I’ve been single for 4 years and this whole dating thing has always been just temporary for me the past years. I never met anyone again who took me seriously which I have long accepted, as well as the fact that I might end up in a perpetual state of singleness. I was so afraid to let my guard down and I wouldn’t let anyone come close again as I don’t want to get fucked up even more than I already am.

Then came this person whom I never thought I’d end up with. If you remember, a few entries back, I was talking about a different person whom I was head over heels smitten by, and back then, my boyfriend was just someone I talked to casually, never even flirtatiously. Who would’ve thought he would have all the things I’m looking for in a partner, including being able to help me out with my personal issues.

So two nights ago, he brought up some of those issues, which he observed about me in a span of a month and I was caught off guard. That semi-stressful conversation was WHAT I NEEDED to help me think through some of the things I needed to improve on myself. It was an intervention I never thought would slap me hard in the face, at least not this early into the relationship; but I’m glad it did.

So in order to make things better for us and more importantly for ME, I’m listing the issues I need to work on:

  1. My negative and giving-a-fuck-about-everything attitude/mindset
  2. My insecurities and self pity
  3. My immaturity (turned 31 years old a few days ago, need to keep up with my age lol)
  4. My PDPG attitude (I need to really and only SAY WHAT I MEAN and MEAN WHAT I SAY)

I also listed these things in my private journal when I woke up this morning and I am 101% committed to be better!

And that’s me, basically at my worst and just as Pink Sweat$’ lyrics say, “I need somebody who can love me at my worst and know that I’m not perfect but still see my worth” and I think I found him. Not to jinx this or anything, but really I am blessed to have met this beautiful person!

P.S. Discovered this song through him!

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