Gone were the days when I could write as often and as much as I can. At the moment, I am squeezing this teeny tiny time to write not because I have something spectacularly interesting to say, but only because my hands are itching to!
I used to always have all the time in the world to do whatever I want and I missed that since there is only so little that I could do with the free time I have off work (a.k.a. training). I couldn’t afford to slack nor to sleep longer than 4 hours, not even to go online (yeah well not totally true), but just the same, I couldn’t do most of what a couch potato me has been doing for most of the time last year. I don’t even have the time to check my emails.
Today, all I want is time to relax, yet every time I think of getting a quick nap, I panic at the possibility that I could sleep through most of the day, therefore wasting time I should have spared for studying.
For this weekend, my goal is to completely memorize all 14 drugs in our division’s medication portfolio including their marketing communication and FAQ’s for our revalida on Wednesday.
I’m having doubts I can smoothly pass that test, but what the heck, I have something more to show them and I’m going to do what it takes to do that. Or not.
Lately, I’ve been having second thoughts, hearing mentors subtly and indirectly point out reasons why “I” cannot or should not go through with the training. I feel like I have made them lose their confidence in me and so they are somehow trying to discourage me by saying things such as “you have impressed no one with your awkwardness and dulling brain, therefore someone has been forced to take you instead of the other way around.” and “You have this weekend to think if this is the right job for you. You may back out if you don’t feel like being in this line of work and we won’t take it against you.” while looking directly at me.
Harsh. I know, but like what one of them also said, they might be actually doing me a favor.
I don’t think I can get those words out of my mind, nevertheless, I’m still determined to continue, (thanks to the encouraging words of my friend, Jan). I just want to believe in the fact that I am still here because God allowed for it to happen, this is where He led me to, where I should really be as I have prayed for ever so deeply; and so I trust that this is where He wants me to be.
I’m not happy with my performance as well, but with God’s grace, I hope I could do so much better especially on the final tests. I want this underdog to emerge a winner all for the glory of Him.
This is just one of the mountains I have yet to conquer. All for the glory of God!
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33