I should teach myself to cry

I miss my bum days. I miss staying up late and pigging out. I miss doing nothing and everything at the same time, and today, I’m going to miss one more thing…..eerrr person that has been a HUGE part of my life for the past years. B.

Our relationship has been a real roller coaster ride for us both and this blog has been a big witness to that. Over the years, I’ve seen our relationship transitioned from what we were before to what we have become now and by the tone of my writing, you should already know how it turned out.

I’m not really sure I should be doing what I’m doing just hours after “it” happened, but who knows exactly what to do after a breakup, right? There, I said it. But it’s true. It’s different for every person, I guess. Take for example how I’m not surprised I didn’t wallow in self pity or cry myself to sleep tonight. It might be because I’ve already been through those one too many times before, or I did really see this coming, or maybe because I felt like I was boyfriendless long before I really became boyfriendless? or maybe, just maybe, it hasn’t really sunk it yet because I’ll have to admit, we did exchange a few more texts after we broke up because our last phone call got cut when my sister got home (we share a bedroom, technically). Talk about bad timing, but I did try to make it less dramatic this time and laughed it off and he did the same, so it’s not really how I expected our “real break up” would be. I guess it also has something to do with it being a mutual decision because we both knew that it really had to happen anyway. We accepted it. We did it. We should deal with it…the right way. IT. So it that how I’m going to pertain to “it” now? IT? I should name it something else, something less bitter? Like jellybean? Para sweet? sabaaaaaaaaaaaaw

So now, speaking of dealing with it the right way, I’m just waiting for FRIENDS to buffer on another tab so I could stay up all night for a marathon of the best thing left on this planet. CHOS. (Ooopsie Here goes the emoterang frog again.) The moment he and some friends who are still up or at work, stopped texting and I realized that I just woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep, I had the sudden craving for this all nighter.

The first whole season I’ve seen of FRIENDS was the third one and it kind of revolved around Ross and Rachel and how they fell in love the first time and how it ended up badly. So now, I’m kind of torn if I’m going to continue watching season 1 first to see how they ended up together or season 4 to see how they moved on to still being friends after the break up. Hmmmmmm…. tough choice, I know!

Anyway, I know whichever I choose, I won’t be disappointed because it’s too funny and I shouldn’t even be too hard on myself. I just broke up with the love of my life! Heeellleeeeerrrrrrrrr! I should be laughing hard right now. Speaking of something funny, since I’m following Hollywood Life here on WordPress, I get my daily dose of surprise!—–hollywood life, and the first thing I saw on my feed was this! It’s about Karrueche Tran and Chris Brown. It says there that they’ve been together for years na pala, mygad and no matter how hard it has been for her to stick with him, she never let him go, hoping that in time, he’ll change into a better man. It also said that she ain’t working her a** off making him a better man for someone else, so she’s all clingy and overprotective of her man…. or something like that. What struck me most though was this:

Our insider also revealed why Karrueche is overprotective of their relationship.”He made her this way. He broke her heart several times and she loves him so much she’s still there. I ain’t saying she’s blaming him but if there’s someone to blame for making her crazy and act like a guard dog, it’s Chris.” (Hollywood Life)

Story of my life? charot Story of Jelena yata yan! Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. 😛 When I read that, I just felt sorry for them because that’s exactly what happened between me and my ex. OOOOUUUCH! EX agad??!? Should I really use that term already? Can I use bebelove, even for just the next 3 days? hahaha! Kidding aside, that’s not even healthy anymore. She’s being too idealistic when she should be realistic. But who am I to judge, right? I’ve been there too and had bebelove refused to let me go again this time, I wouldn’t have had the guts to end our…..our……..I’m thinking of something really funny to say….. please bear with me….. our failed happy ending. YUN EH!

Anyway, B and I, I still believe in a happy ending for us. It might not be for the next maybe 3-5 years? **kitty puss-in-boots eyes** but I still want it to work between us. We both still want it to work, diba Bri, umagree ka pag mabasa mo ‘to or lagot ka sakin! haha! But for now, we really have to stay out of each other’s lives and try to focus on ourselves. If in time, he falls for another girl, then I should just jump off any building from at least the 40th floor………………………….just kidding! Well, I should be happy for him because he found someone much more deserving of his love. Meganon? And it’s something that he shouldn’t deny of himself…to find someone to be really happy with and I should be okay with that. yesss, akala naka move on na agad. Daming side comments noh? I think I’m starting to have a dual personality. Chos. This is just how I’m choosing to deal with it. By making fun of it, so again, bear with me, friends.

So should I still teach myself to cry? Naaaah, I don’t need that. We only cry for the dead and our love, it hasn’t died yet! Lakas ng fighting spirit! And I know that whatever happens after this, I know that our love was (emphasis) real and I’m happy I met him and that he’s my first love. I wouldn’t change a thing in our story (yea even the negatives because those taught me a lot), because that’s ours and nothing and no one can take that away from me.

P.S.I know he’s going to get mad when he sees I’m playing this song, because he knows I’ve dedicated this to someone else before, but it’s all that has been playing in my mind for weeks now….

And i like what this guy said and I agree with him.

ouch

So now I’m reading people’s comments about the song and it’s finally sinking in. I’m really going to need God, all my friends and all the help I can get. It’s really been a long time since I last held hands with you, more so since I last hugged or kissed you and I never even got to for one last time. I miss everything about you, but I’m glad I told you.

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Happy Me!

I never thought I would ever feel this good about driving. I mean, who would, right? Driving is as basic as swimming or even reading and writing that everyone should learn some time in their lives……….I think. And, driving can be really, really stressful especially when most people around don’t always follow the “rules of the road”. So how did I find it fun and exhilarating?

Back in high school, papa and an uncle taught my siblings and I how to drive. My brother, obviously was the first to pick up, but since my sister and I were a little too “cautious”, we didn’t qualify as the aggressive drivers we needed to be. Even after we finished a course in a driving school and got our licenses, we weren’t allowed by papa to take the wheel.

So for a long time, we were only allowed to drive in our neighborhood, Libingan ng mga Bayani or in a vacant subdivision in Taytay, until we became too busy to practice.

When my brother moved to Cebu, I guess papa didn’t have a choice but to let me drive again, but this time, he became more lenient and finally let me drive around, for real! When I passed the “Rosario test“, (it’s what I call the ultimate balyahan test, you’ll know why when you try passing by the area on rush hour), I became more confident and more conscious of how drivers are here in the country. I guess, being a qualified driver doesn’t necessarily equate to being licensed and aware of the rules by the book, because you’d have to learn way more than that. I’m about to renew my license the second time this year, but it’s the first time I ever felt being a real driver.

This past weekend, they let drive again, but this time, they let me drive from Binangonan to Laguna. I was freaking out deep inside, but it was something I could never forget, ever! We always go to Laguna through this route so I know how crazy the roads are here. There’ll be a bunch of steep climbs, long stretches of 2 way roads, and a whole lot of zigzagging roads on the edge of the mountains, so I cannot even wish for my father to allow me to drive there, but he did so that’s something new! I guess he felt that it’s finally time to let go! I earned it! LOL!

Kidding aside, the whole time I was on the road, I couldn’t get off my mind what someone said about driving—that all drivers should be responsible enough not only for themselves or for their passengers, but for all the other road users. So even though I was still jumpy like I used to, even a chicken on the side of road can make me nervous, I felt that I’m more conscious of my surroundings. I did have a couple of mistakes, but like what my father always told me, I needed to learn the ways of a defensive driver and I think I finally did! So that’s one thing I’m proud of myself now. I never even used the car horn before or the headlights to signal other drivers or people along the way, so I maximized the use of both that weekend. I’m also very proud to have overtook a couple of slow drivers along the way, which made my mama really nervous at the back. She even scolded my sister for teasing me to overtake a couple of tricycles.

shite

I know I look like %$$#$%#$ here, but it’s the only photo they took of me, and I always look like %$%$%^ 🙂

Other things I realized that have changed in my driving habits:

  • I used to be too focused, you couldn’t make me answer a Y/N question
  • I never used the car horn.
  • I don’t know how to estimate distance. (I’m still now 101% confident about this)
  • Both hands will always be on the wheel.
  • I didn’t know when to shift gears.
  • I didn’t wanna drive in heavy traffic (I still don’t, but I now can 🙂

Anyway, I just had to let it out. I’m bursting with happiness, I couldn’t contain it anymore! I have this feeling, my family together with our relatives would go on a road trip again soon especially since my cousin got a new car, so I’m sure to raise my hand and give it my best Katniss Everdeen impression and say “I volunteeeeer!!” to get dibs on the wheel! HAHAHA!

i-volunteer

Celebrating Life!

Hey Juannina!!! No I refuse to admit that I forgot your birthday AGAIN, because otherwise, I wouldn’t be writing this blog post now!

jan1

I’ve talked a lot about you over the past years in this blog and I can’t deny the fact that you’ve been a big part of this from way, way back. After all, you’re one of two people closest to me who knows about this so thanks for being my virtual pal as well!

So let’s see, I can talk about how we met or how we became friends……………………………….naaaahhh I’ve already done that a couple of times before. But what I can write about though are the good things you ought to hear! So Brace yourself!!

You’ve been a really good friend to me for the past years. I would go to you whenever I have problems or questions about work or whenever I’d feel bad about myself. You’re also one of the few I can really share my passions with. I feel so comfortable talking to you about them because I know you’d understand and because we kind of have the same interests, artsy fartsy-wise.

jan2

Well anyway, you do know that already too. So what else is new? Well, Jan, I want to tell you that I admire your wit. You do have a very gifted brain, thus you have a knack for making complicated things seem pretty simple. So this is why I probably like consulting you for a lot of things. You calm my mind in so many ways.

For a long time, I have also admired your relationship with Marc. You never seemed to have any problems as a couple so I really looked up to you and often wished to be as strong and as independent even with a boyfriend. When you told me you were going through something, it didn’t change the way I looked at your relationship. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I really believe you guys were made for each other 🙂

Lastly, I’d like to tell you that I also admire you for your weaknesses. You’re human too and you have your fears, but I know that no matter how you see yourself now, it won’t matter a few years from now because I know that you’re gonna get to where you want to be.

P.S. I wish that you could find time to do the things you’ve been wanting to. You’re always gonna be busy, so might as well squeeze in whatever those things are, in your free time as much as you can. DO IT NOW! Find courage, time and conviction to do as much as you can while you still can. Don’t hold back because for me, Life is all about taking risks and being happy. It’s as simple as that. Celebrate Life! Happy birthday! 🙂

jan3

 P.S. #2 I know how scary it feels to turn a year older again especially when you’re turning 25. Being 25 seems and feels so much different than being 23 or 24 and not just because of the obvious, but because we feel pressured to achieve something big or life-changing when in fact we already have, we just don’t see it as big of an accomplishment especially since we always compare our lives to others’. One thing to keep in mind though, almost everyone goes through what they call a quarter life crisis (or so I think), but it doesn’t mean we’re not gonna get past it. 🙂