I just feel like nothing today. I wanted to do so many things, but every time I try to, these invisible hands come out to hold me back. I don’t need any more holding back. What I need is a push! 

I’m starting to think that my life is going nowhere. Everyone’s having a blast, doing things they love or at least trying to love what they do; and here I am, sulking. 

I’m in a huge phase or state of confusion and it’s not helping that I don’t see any good directions to take. I’m suddenly all alone, nowhere to go to, no one to talk to about my current state. I feel so hopeless and uninspired. I can’t help but think that I’m soon gonna rot and get thrown away.

What am I feeling exactly? It’s like my brain’s going to explode because of the million things running in my mind, yet it feels so empty at the same time. I’m happy when with family and friends but when I’m left alone, I can’t help but think how useless I am. I want to just shove things out of my inspiration wall and my arts and crafts space. I want to suddenly throw everything away. 

I look at people and see what they’ve done with their lives. It just makes me feel even worse about myself. 

They say, Follow Your Dreams. Well what dreams do I still have left now? I can’t even decide on what to do in life. It feels like I’m in high school again, thinking of what to do and what course to take up, except that back then, I was sure of myself. 

Career change is something I never thought would be this hard, especially since I wasn’t exactly able to pursue what I want immediately. It also doesn’t help to have so many opportunities to choose from yet I feel that I wouldn’t fit in any of them. Sometimes, I feel qualified for something, yet it scares me to take on another job just to get uninspired and tired all over again. 

Am I going to end up somewhere good at all? God help me please. I know I have been praying for a much better job ever since I resigned. I have prayed for it last Christmas. It was my wish for the 9 mornings I went to church for the Simbang Gabi. It was what I prayed for during Holy Week. If I’m not mistaken, it was also my birthday wish last year, but it wasn’t as if it was the only thing I always prayed for because I know that I prayed for my family and friends first above everything I wanted for myself. 

I don’t want to talk to anyone about this because I’m sure my friends are gonna get tired of listening to me, if they still aren’t. My parents are just gonna blame me for my decisions, which I don’t want to hear. Sometimes I wish I could just take a shortcut to heaven and feel at peace once and for all. DON’T GET ME WRONG, I’m not suicidal or anything. I said I wanted to take the easy way to heaven and not the “highway to hell”. It’s just that sometimes I feel like I have no purpose at all, but that’s like an insult to God because He made us all with a purpose in life. I know I just have to find it or realize it and claim it! There goes that little optimistic light in me again. Haaaaaaayyyy I’m so BIPOLAR, I know. 

What am I suppose to do in life? I don’t know my strengths anymore. I’m too tired to even think of what I still have left in me. It’s like this life raped me and left me feeling like I’m nothing. 

Anyway, I know this song means nothing related to my current status (it’s a feel good song of a different kind), but the melody is a big pick-me-upper. I’m gonna thank Jason Derulo one day!