One step at a time

So first things, first! I would like to give myself a pat on the back for……………ten-nen-ten-nen……………..RESIGNING! WOOOT! WOOOT! Obviously, I still haven’t allowed myself to let that piece of milestone in my life sink in yet! Seriously! 8 days after I passed the big letter (without any hesitations and with a BIG, CHUNKY SMILE ON MY FACE!), I still cannot believe that I did it! If you ask me, am I really happy with my decision?

It took me one long year and a great deal of courage and long, sleepless nights with accompanied crying fits at times to make this decision. So YES, if you’re asking me if I thought of this well enough. I apparently and wholeheartedly did think thoroughly of this well enough!

Looking back, I never thought I haven’t written anything in ages, to think that I went through a LOT all throughout those 7 months I was in hiding (criminal lang ang peg?). It could really take so much of  your time, LIFE, right? In all my years of blog-hopping, I’ve had some fair share of disappointments after learning that a certain blogger I persistently follow suddenly deactivates his/her account or fails to update regularly due to lack of time. It would take them months before I could get another update from them that I would just be digesting for a couple of minutes. Then I’d have to wait patiently and agonizingly for another one. Pathetic, isn’t it? But now that my work has become my life for the past year, I realized that it really does eat so much of your time!!! I am not a celebrity but it kind of works the same way. You keep a blog, you rant for a couple of weeks or months, then you get so busy, you suddenly don’t give a crap out of writing for the next several months, then out of the blue, you just realize, “hey, I haven’t written in a long time, maybe I need to update my followers (if i still do)”.

But, as ironic as it sounds, I think I kind of like the idea that I got too engrossed in my job. In a way, it makes me feel proud to have a life (just not the life I still want to have right now). Thus the resignation! OHHH YEAAAHHH! 🙂

I apologize if i sound a bit too much in-your-face-ish. It really just feels like I’m starting to discover who I   truly am. For a 23 year old, I know it may seem late to be called a late bloomer, but if it makes you feel complete and fulfilled then I guess there isn’t a definite age limit for this euphemism right?

I know, I know, I’ve been blabbing about how when I was in high school/college, I discovered my love for photography, digital art etc but i never had a chance to pursue this passion blah blah. You already know that (well you can refer back to my previous posts for all the emotional blah blahs I had in years if you have no idea what I am talking about here), but what i didn’t know I have is the guts to actually step up and make a decision so risky, I wouldn’t earn a certificate of employment from my current job. Yes, you read that right. I won’t dwell on it anymore because it would just disappoint me all over again.

Now, if you ask me, do I have any regrets? Of course I do! It’s not like this decision has been easy for me, especially that it has put a bit of an unbridgeable gap between my mother and I. If I put everything on a list, my regrets would have to be (listed from least to most heartbreaking):

  • I won’t get a certificate of employment – I regret not being able to prove that I worked hard for almost 1 1/2 years even though it is my right to have one.
  • I won’t be able to pierce through someone’s skin or vein anymore – yes, it’s true. The very thing I hated back when I was just starting would also be the thing that I would miss doing the most! (But i could always participate in medical missions if i want to, right?)
  • I won’t get to be with some of the best co-workers in the world – That is true again. I know there are people I won’t regret not seeing anymore and I know I never thought I’d have friends there, but it’s one of the things I thank God the most every day.
  • I won’t be called a nurse ever again – I would miss my family, friends and even boyfriend and their friends calling me and being proud of me being a nurse! This is the second on my list and definitely one of the things I think about almost everyday because being a nurse entails so much responsibilities and rewards as well.
  • It became the reason why my mother and I are not in good terms as of this moment – and it has been going on for some time now.

But I don’t want to have to dwell on those anymore. I’m pretty sure my mother would be happy for me too (like my father) sometime in the future. It’s not like she’s gonna ignore me forever right? Plus, I know that I would always be a nurse as long as I want to and I can practice venoclyzing anyone’s veins if I want to (as long as i renew my certificate and license) and I know that deep inside, the people who truly care for me would just be as happy as I am right now.

Before I end this entry, I would like to thank God for keeping me guided in all my thoughts and decisions. If it is not You who helped lead me into thinking that this is the right path for me, then I guess I’m headed for a big flop. Just go flush me down the drain now, will You? But I’m really hoping that this is what You also planned out for me. I know that in my heart, this is what I’m meant to do. And to my papa, the subject of my inspirational entries from time to time, I thank you for being the most creative and supportive father in the world. I know we’ve talked about this months ago and just recently, but you never closed any doors for me. You were always the one to tell us (my siblings and I) to always ask help from God. You were the soft-spoken parent that’s why though you have so much to say, good or bad, I took everything in without reservation. You listened that’s why you understood where I’m coming from. You gave me another chance because you’d want me to learn by myself and see the world through my own eyes and not yours. Most of all, you inspired me to be creative just like you. I may never be as good as you but you taught us well and you inspired us through your own works of art. I want to make you proud someday, you and mama! Thanks papa for all your photography lectures you handed down to me. Thanks for believing and trusting in me and thanks for this chance to help me find myself. Sabi mo nga, dugong artist ako diba? That short phrase means so much to me!

Going back to that one question above, Am i really happy with my decision? Well I think by now, you have figured it out. All I can say is that I’m not only happy that I am finally fulfilling a long time dream but also because even though I have so much at risk and regrets, but when I die and look back, I know I lived my life thinking that we all only live once! Happiness is a choice and this is what I choose to become. 🙂

YOLO! Carpe Diem!

P.S. I just read my entry last October 4, 2012 and I had the exact same entry introduction and topic! ONE YEAR AGO! Coincidence? Serendipity? Is this meant to happen? Gives me goosebumps!

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2 thoughts on “One step at a time

    • yuck ang barok ng entry ko! nakakainis sulat lang ako ng sulat! di ko nirereview! pag binasa ko ulit ayan na! and grabe ngayon lang ulit ako nagsulat after 7 months! muntik ko pa makalimutan password ko! hahaha

      Like

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