“You gotta risk it to get the biscuit”

I must first and foremost say that I’m quoting this from the movie “Fired Up“, so as to avoid having any legal conflicts or mishaps with our government right now. You see, the Cyber Crime Law has just been recently implemented, blah blah blaaaahhhh….

Moving on to the real subject of this entry, I’d like to give myself, first a pat on the back for finally taking a risk, at least in this lifetime! All along, I thought I’d forever be playing safe and taking the path of boredom to nowhere, but hey, people blooooom and now, I’m making by far, the biggest, life-changing, argument-triggering decision I’ve made in my life!

I’m taking a break from being a nurse! There, I said it! I’m quitting! I know I shouldn’t be too excited for no one can tell what’s actually going to happen, but what the hell, can’t a girl celebrate ahead of time?!?! Yeah, yeah, I know I’m not sure of anything yet, but just thinking about it makes me sooooo jittery in a good way!

I am in this certain point of my life where I feel like I’m lost yet I was able to immediately find my way back! In just a snap of a finger, (with a lot of deep thinking, mega crying and praying on the side) I was able to figure out a major, major plan for myself, plus a lot of back up plans tailing that major plan! Yep, sounds complicated and scary, but I think that somehow, no no, scratch that, I REALLY BELIEVE that this is going to work for me!

This major plan has holes. I know, it’s not perfect but I’ve come to patch those holes up with SOOOOOPER ELECTRO-MAGNETIC (copyright Eraserheads! :P) positivity which makes me really feel that nothing can go wrong (even though I am totally scared that this won’t work). So what if I fail, what if I end up as a big loser, well, at least I tried, right?

It’s very timely, for me to be on sick leave this week. I was so frustrated and confused the past few weeks that I just wanted to give up, but being the trying hard optimistic that I am, I can NEVER say NEVER! Instead of me giving up, I kind of made it sound a bit more positive by saying that “I’m not giving up”, “I’m just trying out something new or different”. Yes, I am quitting but not without a plan B, which is what I am so excited about! At first I really thought that I’m throwing away the years I’ve spent in college studying this course. I thought I’m ending up as someone I was afraid I was going to end up as, back in the day (yehes akala ang tanda na)—–someone who did not become the person she studied to become. But, that was before I let myself be enlightened by my own crazy deep-thinking and God (hopefully). So thank God for helping me out (or for making me believe that You’re making me take this path instead) and for letting me be on sick leave! I needed this time to make muni-muni!

The past three days, I was talking to myself, both quietly and out loud, for a couple of times. I was digging through the quotable quotes from inspirational movies that I’ve come to store in my mind for this particular purpose and particular point in my life (like I knew I would be facing such a circumstance). I thought this only happened in movies! All those movies with plots such as girl-being-separated-from-the-boy-she-loves-by-her-own-family, I knew those stuff happen in real life, but not this soul-searching cheverlu! Charot! HAHA! Kidding aside, I know a lot of us, in certain points in time, find ourselves lost, thinking “Is this what I’m supposed to do?”, “Am I really meant to wipe someone’s ass?”. Not that I’m regretting those experiences! Don’t get me wrong, everything I’ve done for my patients, scary or disgusting alike, I’ve done with the greatest concern for them. I will never ever regret those because those defined and shaped who I am today! I love taking care of my patients. Just seeing them relieved of any discomfort because of my doing is such a great feat for me. Sure I loved being that kind of person, but I realized there are a whole bunch of people more fit to do this. People who have much more commitment and dedication than I do and I will forever be proud of them! I will forever salute my fellow nurses!!!

So the cut this whole thing short, I, MARSYMALLOWS am taking the risk! I promise not to look back in anger (c) OASIS! hahaha, but instead, use my prior experiences and the life lessons that came with those today and in the future! I will not have any regrets from what have been and worries about what will be. I want to live in pure positivity and happiness! We could all choose to be happy and I’m making a choice of leaving something behind while gaining something new! And in that note, I’d like to free myself from all the negative and depressing things of my future ex-life and count all the blessings I receive each day!

So to finally set myself free, I’d like to come up with a list of my realizations that I’ve had for the past weeks:

  • I did my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough (Just Once, James Ingram), seriously, this CCL has made me too paranoid. I’m literally like quoting sources for my thesis! Anyway, this describes how I feel about me being a nurse. Yes I’ve completed my requirements, I gained a degree, acquired a license, got a job, but I feel like no matter how hard I try, I’m not going to do well in this industry! Industry talaga?Showbizz itechua?ย Or better yet, in this line of work. Sure, I got through training and almost, through probationary period, but where does that take me after? I’ll just be prolonging my agony if I don’t just quit! Some things are just not for me, and I figured I will never be loved by NURSING, no matter how hard I try!
  • I am just NOT HAPPY anymore. If you know my parents, then you’d probably guess what they’ll tell me “Ano bang kabataan kayo? akala niyo puro saya lang ang buhay?” or “Yan ang hirap sa inyo na hindi sanay sa hirap, konting hirap lang, susuko kayo agad“. I’ve known my parents my whole life (malamang!) and I know what they’re going to say when they hear me say that “It’s not NURSING, it’s me, I’m just not happy anymore!”, but I have some counter-argument for that (yehes, I’ve come prepared for this battle): If you say that Life is Short and that we should make the most out of it, would you say that wasting time whining about how you hate your job and the fact that you call your job a JOB is one thing to make your short life worth living? YEHES! TARAY!ย And if they say that it’s just in the matter of perspective, I can give them my perspective: I AM NOT HAPPY and no matter how I look at it, kahit bali-baliktarin ko pa yung angle nung perspective na yan, I’ll just see it in the same way, everytime. I know I’m defeating the purpose of me thinking in a positive way, but you’ll just not understand. I’m just trying to be realistic here.
  • PASSION. It’s one thing to say that you’re passionate about this stuff or that, but it’s really a big thing when that passion keeps coming back to you every single day, telling you to come follow your heart. Do what you love and you never have to work a single day in your life. I’m passionate about the arts. Always have and always will be. I gave Science a try, but I know I’m not going to be able to grow personally and professionally especially if I’m not passionate about it. And that’s one thing I want to achieve in life, to grow as a person in the field that I know I truly love.
  • CHANGE. Yes change can be intimidating for me. I’m scared of being transferred to a new area I’m not completely familiar and confident in. I’m scared of changing habits knowing that I won’t be consistent enough to keep up with it every day. I’m scared of change, but somehow, with this career change, I felt something good in it. It’s unlikely of me to go out of my way to do what I want because I doubt my ability to do stuff and more talented people scares me, but in this case, I’m giving myself a chance to change that! See? I’m willing to change to go after a change in life! LABO, but hopefully, you get what I mean!
  • OPTIMISM. You know what fuels this sudden change of plan in me? My undying, fighting spirit! I guess, one thing I admire about myself (vain much?) all this time is my Optimism. I know it can be tricky and confusing to quickly label me as the optimist/positive thinker because if you know me personally, you’d know that I’m very, very much a big WORRIER! I worry about a lot of things. People might even dub me as the nurse with non-poker-face when in fact, we should always be seen with worry free look, smiling even so as to lessen our patients’ sufferring etc, but I’m not like that! I panic, worry and get nervous a lot, so that would kind of make you think that I’m not optimistic enough. But no, no, no, no, don’t judge me by my non-poker-worrisome face, I am indeed an optimistic person, otherwise, I should have given up in first year pa lang, taking up Chemistry 101! So yeah, I consider myself an OPTIMIST and no matter how risky you might think this move is for me, I’m taking it with a HUUUUUUUGGGGEEEE baggage of optimism on hand.
  • LIFE. Well, it all boils down to this, in the end. Life. I haven’t experienced much in life. I’m not very outgoing, adventurous, nor have I gone wild….yet! Not yet, not because there aren’t much opportunities for me to become one, but simply because I chose not to. Like what I said, I always try to play it safe. As much as I’d like to try so much stuff, all those dreams and wishes are (for now) just part of the photo memes on my tumblr account. I wanted to learn how to surf, I wanted to go scuba diving, to try motocross, sky-diving, and all the extreme sports out there, but I just choose not to because I know that those are just things I’d rather be doing in my imagination if not in my dreams. F*ck that! I’m 22 years old and turning 23 in a few weeks, I want to try them all! I’m not getting any younger and if I’d die not being able to do the million things on my bucket list, then I haven’t lived the LIFE God has in store for me! I’m not saying I’m packing my bags as we speak and boarding the plane off to somewhere, but I’d like to take one step at a time. I know, I’d get there someday! (wag mo sabihin, i-c-cite ko pa si Shania Twain, You’re Still The One ah!, pero just to be safe, sige na!).

HAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY I cannot believe how talkative I am in writing! I just hope I could get my parents to read this instead of me pouring my heart out to them, knowing that they’d just cut me off by saying, “Wag ka mag-quit”. But still, I’m staying positive on this one and I’m going to be really firm on this tough one! Til my next rant! Hopefully by then, I’m already where I want to be! CIAO! MWAKMWAKMWAK!

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