depress-depresan, where do I go from here?

I’ve been thinking, for the past couple of weeks if I should continue on in becoming america’s next top model………….CHOS! Kidding aside, I’ve been having second thoughts regarding my current job. You see, lately, I’ve been having a hard time keeping up with the pace and toxicity of being a staff nurse, not to mention the responsibility that comes with it. I have no regrets whatsoever since nursing taught me a lot of things, from the incredible parts and function of the smallest unit of the human body to the horrific diseases that invade it!

I had a tough time studying this course for the last 4 years, but there’s no doubt that I had fun too. I’m damn too proud of myself for being able to complete my requirements to graduate and even more for passing the board examinations, and now for getting into a hospital just 4 months after the NLE! But why in the world do I still feel unaccomplished? Why do I still feel like I’m meant to do something else? There’s something lacking in me that keeps me from putting 100% effort and commitment in this job!

I know I’m doing well today as compared to my performance when I was still in school! True enough, experience is still the best teacher and I never thought, being a “pasang awa” nursing student in college would bring me where I am today! I know I should feel blessed that I got a job when most board passers would wait for years just to have a decent job, but I feel like this shouldn’t be what I’m doing!

Back in high school, I would always have this ambivalent/uncertain/unfocused goal in mind since I was torn between science and art (don’t you tell me nursing is an art and science, I know that, but you know what I mean!). In all the career tests our guidance counselor would let us answer, I would be torn between being a photographer or a nurse.Of course, being a daughter of a great artist, I was inspired and influenced by the great pieces my father would make ever since we were small. Who wouldn’t look up to their own parents, right? Well, I was a big fan of my father and everything he did, I did want to do as well; but as I was growing up, I realized that I’m not as talented as him so I accepted that fact and moved on and focused my goal towards science.

So going back to 2nd year high school, I met this great teacher in the person of Ms. Mortel who taught us BIOLOGY in such a fun way that made me love Science soooooo much! That was when I realized that I could do well in Nursing (and probably work abroad after!). Ever since then, I had nothing in mind except to get in UST and take up Nursing.

Luckily, I passed USTET and the interview! I got through the cutoff to get in to sophomore year and everything went slightly smooth-sailing (slightly lang kasi sa totoo lang, hell na yung mga sumunod na taon! haha!) after that! Then after a few alternating over-sleeping/1-2 hours of sleep, I got a hold of my DIPLOMAAAAAAA!!!!!! Then after surviving the application-test-taking-claiming of my license, I did it! My parents told me I was free to do anything I’d like to do!

But that was merely true. My parents told me, I shouldn’t waste everything “we” worked hard for and find a job asap. So being the obedient kid that I am, and to repay for all their sacrifices for me, I scoured the whole of Manila and Rizal to pass my resume, hoping for any vacancies or positions available.

On November of 2011, I got a phone call from MEMC asking me to go back for their examination and interview and voila, I got in! I trained for 5 months and luckily (again and again), I got hired as a probationary nurse. I’m on the last month of our 6-month probationary period and as of now, I am having half-hearted, lost soul, mixed emotions chorvalooooooo regarding this job.

I know I cannot blame my parents unlike those thousands of others who were forced to take up nursing because I made this choice, with my own impulsive mind! I could even remember them discouraging me in taking up nursing, but I was sooooo stubborn that I disregarded everything that they said!

I told myself that I’m gonna have to think with a positive perspective. No regrets. No worries. Ala-One Tree Hill and motto! But it’s hard to have no regrets since we all make mistakes and it’s impossible not to think of “what ifs”!

What if I actually took up a degree in fine arts, or in education or in tourism? Would I be happier now? Would I feel more rewarded and fulfilled?

But what if I stop figuring things in my mind (kasi maloloka na ko) and start taking risks? I know it’s going to be hard for my parents to accept this, but I need to make decisions NOW because I’m not getting any younger and we all know how opportunities get less for people who get older!

But where do I start? I have a plan in my mind, I just have to consult GOD first, then myself and lastly, my parents! I know I’d get tons of sermon na naman, but how will I learn if I do not stand and trip on my own, right?

Nakakainis kasi tong HOLSTEE MANIFESTO na facebook cover photo ko eh! ANG NAKIKITA KO LANG LAGI YUNG PART NA:

 

Call me oblivious, but I want to make things uncomplicated for me. We only live once and we should be maximizing our time doing the things we love. So what if I don’t choose to think LONG-TERM? So what if I just want to be able to live in a carefree, HIPPIE way? What if I choose to do all the things I love before I die? Isn’t that the purpose of life? We only live once and I don’t want to get stuck hating my job. I know I can still help others and still do God’s purpose for me in other ways.

I have no regrets in taking up NURSING! I am thankful in so many ways to Manila East Medical Center for teaching me a little more than what I have learned in school! I am thankful to everyone who took the time to teach me everything I know now, but I guess Nursing is just not for me!

Please Lord, Help me find the real path I need to go through to live my life to the fullest! I just don’t want to do this anymore! PLEASE HELP ME LORD!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

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