“You gotta risk it to get the biscuit”

I must first and foremost say that I’m quoting this from the movie “Fired Up“, so as to avoid having any legal conflicts or mishaps with our government right now. You see, the Cyber Crime Law has just been recently implemented, blah blah blaaaahhhh….

Moving on to the real subject of this entry, I’d like to give myself, first a pat on the back for finally taking a risk, at least in this lifetime! All along, I thought I’d forever be playing safe and taking the path of boredom to nowhere, but hey, people blooooom and now, I’m making by far, the biggest, life-changing, argument-triggering decision I’ve made in my life!

I’m taking a break from being a nurse! There, I said it! I’m quitting! I know I shouldn’t be too excited for no one can tell what’s actually going to happen, but what the hell, can’t a girl celebrate ahead of time?!?! Yeah, yeah, I know I’m not sure of anything yet, but just thinking about it makes me sooooo jittery in a good way!

I am in this certain point of my life where I feel like I’m lost yet I was able to immediately find my way back! In just a snap of a finger, (with a lot of deep thinking, mega crying and praying on the side) I was able to figure out a major, major plan for myself, plus a lot of back up plans tailing that major plan! Yep, sounds complicated and scary, but I think that somehow, no no, scratch that, I REALLY BELIEVE that this is going to work for me!

This major plan has holes. I know, it’s not perfect but I’ve come to patch those holes up with SOOOOOPER ELECTRO-MAGNETIC (copyright Eraserheads! :P) positivity which makes me really feel that nothing can go wrong (even though I am totally scared that this won’t work). So what if I fail, what if I end up as a big loser, well, at least I tried, right?

It’s very timely, for me to be on sick leave this week. I was so frustrated and confused the past few weeks that I just wanted to give up, but being the trying hard optimistic that I am, I can NEVER say NEVER! Instead of me giving up, I kind of made it sound a bit more positive by saying that “I’m not giving up”, “I’m just trying out something new or different”. Yes, I am quitting but not without a plan B, which is what I am so excited about! At first I really thought that I’m throwing away the years I’ve spent in college studying this course. I thought I’m ending up as someone I was afraid I was going to end up as, back in the day (yehes akala ang tanda na)—–someone who did not become the person she studied to become. But, that was before I let myself be enlightened by my own crazy deep-thinking and God (hopefully). So thank God for helping me out (or for making me believe that You’re making me take this path instead) and for letting me be on sick leave! I needed this time to make muni-muni!

The past three days, I was talking to myself, both quietly and out loud, for a couple of times. I was digging through the quotable quotes from inspirational movies that I’ve come to store in my mind for this particular purpose and particular point in my life (like I knew I would be facing such a circumstance). I thought this only happened in movies! All those movies with plots such as girl-being-separated-from-the-boy-she-loves-by-her-own-family, I knew those stuff happen in real life, but not this soul-searching cheverlu! Charot! HAHA! Kidding aside, I know a lot of us, in certain points in time, find ourselves lost, thinking “Is this what I’m supposed to do?”, “Am I really meant to wipe someone’s ass?”. Not that I’m regretting those experiences! Don’t get me wrong, everything I’ve done for my patients, scary or disgusting alike, I’ve done with the greatest concern for them. I will never ever regret those because those defined and shaped who I am today! I love taking care of my patients. Just seeing them relieved of any discomfort because of my doing is such a great feat for me. Sure I loved being that kind of person, but I realized there are a whole bunch of people more fit to do this. People who have much more commitment and dedication than I do and I will forever be proud of them! I will forever salute my fellow nurses!!!

So the cut this whole thing short, I, MARSYMALLOWS am taking the risk! I promise not to look back in anger (c) OASIS! hahaha, but instead, use my prior experiences and the life lessons that came with those today and in the future! I will not have any regrets from what have been and worries about what will be. I want to live in pure positivity and happiness! We could all choose to be happy and I’m making a choice of leaving something behind while gaining something new! And in that note, I’d like to free myself from all the negative and depressing things of my future ex-life and count all the blessings I receive each day!

So to finally set myself free, I’d like to come up with a list of my realizations that I’ve had for the past weeks:

  • I did my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough (Just Once, James Ingram), seriously, this CCL has made me too paranoid. I’m literally like quoting sources for my thesis! Anyway, this describes how I feel about me being a nurse. Yes I’ve completed my requirements, I gained a degree, acquired a license, got a job, but I feel like no matter how hard I try, I’m not going to do well in this industry! Industry talaga?Showbizz itechua? Or better yet, in this line of work. Sure, I got through training and almost, through probationary period, but where does that take me after? I’ll just be prolonging my agony if I don’t just quit! Some things are just not for me, and I figured I will never be loved by NURSING, no matter how hard I try!
  • I am just NOT HAPPY anymore. If you know my parents, then you’d probably guess what they’ll tell me “Ano bang kabataan kayo? akala niyo puro saya lang ang buhay?” or “Yan ang hirap sa inyo na hindi sanay sa hirap, konting hirap lang, susuko kayo agad“. I’ve known my parents my whole life (malamang!) and I know what they’re going to say when they hear me say that “It’s not NURSING, it’s me, I’m just not happy anymore!”, but I have some counter-argument for that (yehes, I’ve come prepared for this battle): If you say that Life is Short and that we should make the most out of it, would you say that wasting time whining about how you hate your job and the fact that you call your job a JOB is one thing to make your short life worth living? YEHES! TARAY! And if they say that it’s just in the matter of perspective, I can give them my perspective: I AM NOT HAPPY and no matter how I look at it, kahit bali-baliktarin ko pa yung angle nung perspective na yan, I’ll just see it in the same way, everytime. I know I’m defeating the purpose of me thinking in a positive way, but you’ll just not understand. I’m just trying to be realistic here.
  • PASSION. It’s one thing to say that you’re passionate about this stuff or that, but it’s really a big thing when that passion keeps coming back to you every single day, telling you to come follow your heart. Do what you love and you never have to work a single day in your life. I’m passionate about the arts. Always have and always will be. I gave Science a try, but I know I’m not going to be able to grow personally and professionally especially if I’m not passionate about it. And that’s one thing I want to achieve in life, to grow as a person in the field that I know I truly love.
  • CHANGE. Yes change can be intimidating for me. I’m scared of being transferred to a new area I’m not completely familiar and confident in. I’m scared of changing habits knowing that I won’t be consistent enough to keep up with it every day. I’m scared of change, but somehow, with this career change, I felt something good in it. It’s unlikely of me to go out of my way to do what I want because I doubt my ability to do stuff and more talented people scares me, but in this case, I’m giving myself a chance to change that! See? I’m willing to change to go after a change in life! LABO, but hopefully, you get what I mean!
  • OPTIMISM. You know what fuels this sudden change of plan in me? My undying, fighting spirit! I guess, one thing I admire about myself (vain much?) all this time is my Optimism. I know it can be tricky and confusing to quickly label me as the optimist/positive thinker because if you know me personally, you’d know that I’m very, very much a big WORRIER! I worry about a lot of things. People might even dub me as the nurse with non-poker-face when in fact, we should always be seen with worry free look, smiling even so as to lessen our patients’ sufferring etc, but I’m not like that! I panic, worry and get nervous a lot, so that would kind of make you think that I’m not optimistic enough. But no, no, no, no, don’t judge me by my non-poker-worrisome face, I am indeed an optimistic person, otherwise, I should have given up in first year pa lang, taking up Chemistry 101! So yeah, I consider myself an OPTIMIST and no matter how risky you might think this move is for me, I’m taking it with a HUUUUUUUGGGGEEEE baggage of optimism on hand.
  • LIFE. Well, it all boils down to this, in the end. Life. I haven’t experienced much in life. I’m not very outgoing, adventurous, nor have I gone wild….yet! Not yet, not because there aren’t much opportunities for me to become one, but simply because I chose not to. Like what I said, I always try to play it safe. As much as I’d like to try so much stuff, all those dreams and wishes are (for now) just part of the photo memes on my tumblr account. I wanted to learn how to surf, I wanted to go scuba diving, to try motocross, sky-diving, and all the extreme sports out there, but I just choose not to because I know that those are just things I’d rather be doing in my imagination if not in my dreams. F*ck that! I’m 22 years old and turning 23 in a few weeks, I want to try them all! I’m not getting any younger and if I’d die not being able to do the million things on my bucket list, then I haven’t lived the LIFE God has in store for me! I’m not saying I’m packing my bags as we speak and boarding the plane off to somewhere, but I’d like to take one step at a time. I know, I’d get there someday! (wag mo sabihin, i-c-cite ko pa si Shania Twain, You’re Still The One ah!, pero just to be safe, sige na!).

HAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY I cannot believe how talkative I am in writing! I just hope I could get my parents to read this instead of me pouring my heart out to them, knowing that they’d just cut me off by saying, “Wag ka mag-quit”. But still, I’m staying positive on this one and I’m going to be really firm on this tough one! Til my next rant! Hopefully by then, I’m already where I want to be! CIAO! MWAKMWAKMWAK!

EUREKA!

I am on day 2 of my 3, well make that 4-day house arrest! No, I am not bored, if you ask me, because I have everything I need here at home. Food, TV, Internet, Phone and friends and family! But doing a lot of things (online) and nothing at the same time makes me feel like I’m wasting time so to make this day productive, I went job-hunting online and EUREKAAAA! I found it! I found the perfect job I was praying for all this time!

  • It needs no experience, because apparently they will be the ones training you (which is also a plus!)
  • requires you to work with kids (which I think I’m really good at!)
  • needs fun-loving people! (EHEM EHEM!)
  • must possess a strong, creative vision (which I doubt I don’t have)
  • must be stylish in manner of dressing (i can work on that!)
  • bachelor’s degree in any field (YAAAAAAAHOOOOOO!)

I will not post any more requirements that those above since I will be giving away too much info than needed, which may jinx any future plans of getting into that company! All I need now is God’s support and guidance!

He wouldn’t have shown me that job offer if I wasn’t meant to see that, right? Or am I being too superstitious again?

Anyway, I’ve made up my mind! So aside from God’s support, I will also be needing a ton of courage to tell my parents about it……………………………………………………………..SOON!

So friends, I’ll be needing your prayers and hopefully, this would be the start of something new for me!

P.S. I just opened up to my sister just now, and I’m talking to my parents when they get home later!

depress-depresan, where do I go from here?

I’ve been thinking, for the past couple of weeks if I should continue on in becoming america’s next top model………….CHOS! Kidding aside, I’ve been having second thoughts regarding my current job. You see, lately, I’ve been having a hard time keeping up with the pace and toxicity of being a staff nurse, not to mention the responsibility that comes with it. I have no regrets whatsoever since nursing taught me a lot of things, from the incredible parts and function of the smallest unit of the human body to the horrific diseases that invade it!

I had a tough time studying this course for the last 4 years, but there’s no doubt that I had fun too. I’m damn too proud of myself for being able to complete my requirements to graduate and even more for passing the board examinations, and now for getting into a hospital just 4 months after the NLE! But why in the world do I still feel unaccomplished? Why do I still feel like I’m meant to do something else? There’s something lacking in me that keeps me from putting 100% effort and commitment in this job!

I know I’m doing well today as compared to my performance when I was still in school! True enough, experience is still the best teacher and I never thought, being a “pasang awa” nursing student in college would bring me where I am today! I know I should feel blessed that I got a job when most board passers would wait for years just to have a decent job, but I feel like this shouldn’t be what I’m doing!

Back in high school, I would always have this ambivalent/uncertain/unfocused goal in mind since I was torn between science and art (don’t you tell me nursing is an art and science, I know that, but you know what I mean!). In all the career tests our guidance counselor would let us answer, I would be torn between being a photographer or a nurse.Of course, being a daughter of a great artist, I was inspired and influenced by the great pieces my father would make ever since we were small. Who wouldn’t look up to their own parents, right? Well, I was a big fan of my father and everything he did, I did want to do as well; but as I was growing up, I realized that I’m not as talented as him so I accepted that fact and moved on and focused my goal towards science.

So going back to 2nd year high school, I met this great teacher in the person of Ms. Mortel who taught us BIOLOGY in such a fun way that made me love Science soooooo much! That was when I realized that I could do well in Nursing (and probably work abroad after!). Ever since then, I had nothing in mind except to get in UST and take up Nursing.

Luckily, I passed USTET and the interview! I got through the cutoff to get in to sophomore year and everything went slightly smooth-sailing (slightly lang kasi sa totoo lang, hell na yung mga sumunod na taon! haha!) after that! Then after a few alternating over-sleeping/1-2 hours of sleep, I got a hold of my DIPLOMAAAAAAA!!!!!! Then after surviving the application-test-taking-claiming of my license, I did it! My parents told me I was free to do anything I’d like to do!

But that was merely true. My parents told me, I shouldn’t waste everything “we” worked hard for and find a job asap. So being the obedient kid that I am, and to repay for all their sacrifices for me, I scoured the whole of Manila and Rizal to pass my resume, hoping for any vacancies or positions available.

On November of 2011, I got a phone call from MEMC asking me to go back for their examination and interview and voila, I got in! I trained for 5 months and luckily (again and again), I got hired as a probationary nurse. I’m on the last month of our 6-month probationary period and as of now, I am having half-hearted, lost soul, mixed emotions chorvalooooooo regarding this job.

I know I cannot blame my parents unlike those thousands of others who were forced to take up nursing because I made this choice, with my own impulsive mind! I could even remember them discouraging me in taking up nursing, but I was sooooo stubborn that I disregarded everything that they said!

I told myself that I’m gonna have to think with a positive perspective. No regrets. No worries. Ala-One Tree Hill and motto! But it’s hard to have no regrets since we all make mistakes and it’s impossible not to think of “what ifs”!

What if I actually took up a degree in fine arts, or in education or in tourism? Would I be happier now? Would I feel more rewarded and fulfilled?

But what if I stop figuring things in my mind (kasi maloloka na ko) and start taking risks? I know it’s going to be hard for my parents to accept this, but I need to make decisions NOW because I’m not getting any younger and we all know how opportunities get less for people who get older!

But where do I start? I have a plan in my mind, I just have to consult GOD first, then myself and lastly, my parents! I know I’d get tons of sermon na naman, but how will I learn if I do not stand and trip on my own, right?

Nakakainis kasi tong HOLSTEE MANIFESTO na facebook cover photo ko eh! ANG NAKIKITA KO LANG LAGI YUNG PART NA:

 

Call me oblivious, but I want to make things uncomplicated for me. We only live once and we should be maximizing our time doing the things we love. So what if I don’t choose to think LONG-TERM? So what if I just want to be able to live in a carefree, HIPPIE way? What if I choose to do all the things I love before I die? Isn’t that the purpose of life? We only live once and I don’t want to get stuck hating my job. I know I can still help others and still do God’s purpose for me in other ways.

I have no regrets in taking up NURSING! I am thankful in so many ways to Manila East Medical Center for teaching me a little more than what I have learned in school! I am thankful to everyone who took the time to teach me everything I know now, but I guess Nursing is just not for me!

Please Lord, Help me find the real path I need to go through to live my life to the fullest! I just don’t want to do this anymore! PLEASE HELP ME LORD!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!