Babe, 1 more month to go! we can do this! This is it, are you ready? Coz I’m not! hahaha! I love you and thank you for being patient with me. I promise to love you more and I promise to stand by you, no matter what! I believe in us and I know you do, too. Ikaw pa! You’re the best and I could not ask for anything more. Here’s to more fights, more tampuhans, pero more sweetie time and happier times with you!!! God bless us both! 🙂 Seeyou in a month’s time! Hopefully! Keeping my fingers crossed and hands together (in prayer). THIS IS REALLY IS IT!
Contrary to what I was feeling yesterday, Yes, I am feeling so much better today!
Aside from it being Sunday and on Sundays, we go to Church, it also is our family day! At breakfast, my mother was sort of offering me food already, so I was guessing she was in a good mood and might have forgotten what happened last night, but there I was, still not ready for a reconciliation, being a proud person that I am.
On the way to church, my mother was noticeably in a really good mood, goofing around with my sister. Usually, she’ll still be in a cold form of herself, one day up to a week after a fight like that, but I guess, she woke up on the right side of the bed this time.
I always sit beside my mother in church, but today, I sat on the end part of the bench. My pride was acting up again. I couldn’t forgive that easily, not when it comes to my mom, but I figured I’d have to make up with her, before the mass ends. That’s what usually happens when we fight on Saturdays, we make up when exchanging “peace be with you”s with one another. Also, I could not stand singing the Lord’s Prayer when I know that I’ve fought with someone. It would always occur to me what sir Joel (high school CL teacher) told us once that I could never, ever forget. He said that when you know in your heart that you still haven’t forgiven your enemies, then you shouldn’t be singing the Lord’s Prayer like a hypocrite. Instead, you should purse your lips on the part when you sing “forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us…”. Of course he said that jokingly and we all made fun of how he demonstrated it, but I took it seriously. So from then on, I either reconcile with the person I hurt or who’s hurt me or I do not recite/sing that part as we’ve been told. Funny but true.
So after kissing and making up, chen-ten-nen-nen, we’re back, slapping each other’s butts, pinching each other’s love handles. 😛
Here are a few other things that made me smile today:
Yay! He’s 5 months old yet he’s still bansot, but we’d like him to stay bansot and cute rather than grow big because he’s cute like that! He’s our little baby at home and everyone’s stress reliever. He’s spoiled and a bit bratty at times but we all love him, even manang does!!! ❤ such a cutie pie!!!!!!! **grits teeth**
I was dreading going on duty in the ICU today when I came in with 4 patients (1 admission who was in soooper bad condition). Then I was surprised to see bed 5 already prepared (which means there’s another patient coming in who happened to be intubated too!). FULL HOUSE!
All 3 of us (nurse trainees) weren’t in the mood to go on duty today, after all, it was our last day in the ICU. We started the week being pulled out in other areas just because we didn’t have enough patients in there, now our prayers were heard and mind you, God graciously answered our prayers; and when it rains, it really pours! We had more patients than we could handle! OoOPs just kidding, we were too great to handle all of them just fine! HAHA!
Anyway, after duty (after every duty actually), I usually reflect while I’m on the tricycle on the way home and I realize, every single time that I’m too blessed to have lots of different experiences at work every day! Today, my realization was that if given a choice, I would definitely choose to have lots of toxic duty days over benign duty days just because I get tired either way. I just find it more rewarding getting tired having helped lots of people compared to doing (and learning) nothing at all.
So today, Eli, Mitch and I had only 1 time to sit together and relax and it was just to eat our Palmera lunch at 1pm (lucky us, we still had time to eat today!) for 15 minutes, before we got back to work again! ODIBA? I told you it was rewarding! HAHA!
Anyway, I shouldn’t be laughing here. I forgot I was in a bad mood! 😛 I wasn’t supposed to, because even though I was tired from work, I had fun since I like who I work with and I just love doing what I’m doing (wow ah, can I say that again?) I love what I’m doing (finally!) Sabi ko na, it’s not what you do, it’s who you work with! NGEEEEE! CHOS!
So here I am all tired from work (how many times did I type the word “tired”? Moving on, I got home, played with adorable, little Charlie, saw my mom, made faces (jokingly) at her, changed into my pambahay (aka Bri’s shirt), ate another full meal (ako na!)— could you see that little lock-and-lock on the bottom left part of the photo above? Yes, that’s my baon which I wasn’t able to eat, so I ate it when I got home instead, plus they had leftover steamed tilapia in butter and garlic. I ate that too………………………..going off topic again………………then I played with Charlie again and that’s when my mother asked me to make Mango float/Mango ref cake or whatever you wanna call it. I refused since again, I was tired from work, but when I saw how badly my mother wanted it, I finally agreed to do it. Anyway to cut the long story short, my mother, being the sensitive pikon that she is, got pissed off when I jokingly got mad when she took out another tupperware when I’m almost done washing the other tupperware that I got. She clearly and angrily exclaimed “Wag na nga! Wag ka nang gumawa” then she turned off the lights, stormed to the guest room and slammed the door.
I was left there in shock not knowing if I was going to make that stupid Mango float or not. Then I decided that I am tired and I don’t have to make it if I don’t want to. I guess I’m gonna have to endure the silent treatment I’ll get at dinner, tonight. 😦 Good luck! What a day! Is this just post-FRIDAY THE 13TH fever? I gotta say, it sure as hell made me feel sooooooooooooooooooooooo freakin’ unlucky!!!!!!!!!!!!! *(&#^*(^#&^@*&^*@(&@(*@@*()*!!
Naiinis lang ako sa katotohanang hindi ako totally maging masaya, when it comes to my lovelife. Naiinis ako na dito lang sa blog ko nalalabas yung kasayahan na gustung-gusto kong ipagsigawan sa mundo. Naiinis ako na masyadong strict parents ko, lalung-lalo na yung nanay ko. Naiinis ako, to the point na gusto ko na lang umiyak gabi-gabi kasi alam kong naging mabuting anak naman ako kahit papano pero parang wala pa ring tiwala sa akin mga magulang ko.
Naiinis ako na tinuruan nila kaming maging independent pero kung kailan pa kami tumanda, nagtapos sa pag-aaral, kumuha at pumasa sa board exams, nagsusumikap magtrabaho kahit walang sweldo, doon pa sila naging strict bigla. Hindi naman sa nanunumbat ako pero gusto ko lang malaman nila kung gaano ako katakot sa kanila at takot na masaktan sila kaya simula’t pagkabata, wala akong ginawang kalokohan sa buhay. Naging responsableng anak, kapatid, pamangking, pinsan, apo, kaibigan ako. Ginawa ko lahat ng gusto nila. Nag-aral akong mabuti. Inalagaan ko yung lola ko nung mga panahong hindi nila kayang alagaan yung nanay nila dahil may mga sarili silang trabaho. Tumutulong ako sa mga gawaing-bahay lalo na kapag namalansta si manang at wala nang iba pang maghuhugas ng pinagkainan.
Nung mga panahong gusto ko nang sumuko sa course ko, sinunod ko pa rin sila at tinuloy ‘to hanggang sa makapagtapos kasi kahit nawawalan na ako ng pag-asa, yung feelings, mga sakripisyo at reputasyon nila sa trabaho yung inaalala ko. Nung gusto kong kumita panandalian habang naghihintay sa resulta ng board exams at mag-apply sa call centers, hindi nila ako pinayagan, sinunod ko sila. Nung gusto kong mag-apply katulad ng kaibigan ko bilang nurse receptionist sa isang Medical City satellite clinic at hindi sila pumayag, sinunod ko sila. Nung gusto kong mag-apply bilang interpreter for the deaf na may higit kumulang 20k na panimulang sweldo at hindi sila pumayag dahil nahihiya sila sa mga ka-opisina nila, sinunod ko sila.
Hanggang kailan ako magiging ganito? Alam kong labag sa 10 Utos ng Diyos ang sumuway sa mga magulang, pero kahit kailan, hindi ako sumagot pabaling sa kanila. Hindi ako gumawa ng bagay na ikapapahiya nila. Hindi ako gumawa ng mga iresponsableng bagay at mga desisyon sa buhay. Alam ko sa sarili ko na naging mabait akong tao at utang ko yun sa kanila, pero hanggang kailan ako magiging ganito? Yung walang sariling desisyon, yung walang kontrol sa buhay. Oo alam ko pagdating sa maliliit na desisyon tulad ng pamimili ng damit, kurso, sa kurtina sa kwarto, kami ang nasusunod, pero paano naman yung mga bagay na gusto naming gawin sa buhay? Hindi ba mas matututo kami sa buhay kung hahayaan nila kaming madapa at bumangon ulit? Hindi ko lang matanggap na sobrang respeto ko sa inyo, nawawalan na ako ng kumpyansa sa sarili, hindi dahil minamaliit nila kami (kung suporta lang ang pag-uusapan, sobra-sobra ang binibigay nila, kaya’t nagpapasalamat ako para doon), kundi dahil hindi sila nagtitiwala sa mga desisyon na ginagawa namin.
Madami akong gustong subukan sa buhay. Madami akong plano at mga pangarap pero hangga’t wala akong naibabalik sa kanila, hangga’t wala akong napapatunayan sa buhay, wala akong karapatang gawin yung mga bagay na gusto ko. Alam kong hindi kami mayaman at kailangan kong kumita sa lalong madaling panahon. Alam kong pagod na sila sa kakatrabaho. Alam kong madami silang inaalala tulad ng bayad sa bahay, sa pagpapagamot ni lola, pero paano naman kami? Ayokong maging makasarili kaya hanggang kaya ko pang tiisin, gagawin ko. Hangga’t kaya ko pang ilihim yung mga bagay tulad ng pag-ibig (na sobrang nakapagpapasaya sa akin na walang katulad), gagawin ko, mapasaya ko lang sila, dahil mahal ko sila. Sana dumating yung panahon na tanggapin nila yung mga desisyon ko sa buhay hindi dahil anak nila ako at wala silang choice, kundi dahil mahal nila ako at masaya silang masaya ako.
Sana dumating yung panahon na matanggap nilang matanda na ako at pwede na rin akong magmahal at may paninindigan ako sa relasyong pinasok ko. Sana matanggap nila na bukod sa pagmamahal nila, ng mga kapatid, kamag-anak at mga kaibigan, kailangan ko rin ng pagmamahal ng isang lalaking alam kong hindi ako lolokohin at sasaktan. Hindi naman pwedeng puro na lang puro bahay at trabaho na lang iniisip ko. Paano ko ba makakamit yung “Self Actualization” sa Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs kung hindi ko muna makakamit yung “Love and Belongingness” diba?
Gusto ko lang umiyak sa Diyos na sana kampihan Niya kami at pakibatukan lang yung mga magulang ko. Mahal na mahal ko sila pero sana intindihin nila na hindi ako nagrerebelde at kahit kailan hindi ko gagawin yun. Masyado na akong matanda para doon. Kung sila, nagpakilala lang sa lolo kong sundalo nung malapit na silang magpakasal, sana maintindihan nila kami. Mabait sila kung mabait. Wala akong mairereklamo sa ugali nila at pakikisama sa ibang tao. Maraming nagmamahal sa kanila pero sana, sana, sanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, alam niyo na…. 😦