when to say no…

             People always say that you’ll never find true friends in college. I doubted that before, but now, I’m not so sure anymore. I used to be so trusting. Whenever I meet new people, and find them amusing or too kind, I would never think twice whether to befriend them or not; but things change, even my ability to trust people around me. 

          When we had our self awareness activity before we had our duty (or in my case, after our rotation) in NCMH, I admitted to my rlemates that I have trust issues, and in connection with that, I also am very paranoid. It’s not that people don’t give me a reason to trust them, it’s just that most of the time, I find myself thinking that that “incident” (a.k.a. backstabbing) back in high school will happen again, and to think that that backstabber has been a friend of mine for years. I just want to be more careful by not trusting anyone too soon and too much. it’s not like I can’t be friends with people without having to give my full trust in them. They can’t blame me because they haven’t been through what I’ve been through and once that trust has already been broken, you cannot bring it back to the way it was before. Ika nga ng parokya ni edgar, parang tsokolate lang yan na kapag nasira at natunaw na, hindi mo na maibabalik sa dati.

             Aside from that, I also keep doubting my friends’ loyalty and genuineness towards me. There are times when I really feel that they’re really there for me, but somehow, I also feel that there are times that these people just need to use me (you know, being the one that can be taken for granted so easily) and to make fun of me. Again, they can’t blame me for these thoughts I have against them since they are the ones who give me countless reasons to doubt the friendship that we share (and this is not simply just about the jokes… i’ve long accepted reality at hindi ako ganun kababaw).

             So how is my entry title connected to all of this? Simple. Aside from being paranoid and being miss-trust-no-one, I am also the passive type of person. At kapag sinabing passive, passive talaga. At the age of 20, you’d think that I should’ve become the assertive type, or the one with a strong personality, especially when majority of the people in my class are one or two years younger than me. But sadly, I remained as passive and as shy as I have been ever since I was young. Being the paranoid person that I am, I was thinking too deeply na naman kanina. It happens all the time, especially when I am left alone to rot, like tonight. Immersed in my deep and dark thoughts, naisip ko, why do I let people bully me all the time? It’s not as if I enjoy it as much as they do. Somehow, I also get tired, even if “they” do not. Minsan pa, there are people who I don’t feel like bullying me, kasi minsan iba silang mag joke. May mga tao rin naman na natutuwa rin ako pag jinojoke ako. So I thought, why would I let them keep on bullying me kung ayaw ko na? These people weren’t even born when I was born (and this is not to be taken as a joke). Seriously though, sometimes, I just feel bad about the person I turned out to be. Minsan nakakadepress na I turned out to be other people’s laughingstock and I permit them to. Pero minsan din naman, natutuwa rin ako and I don’t deny that. Ayoko lang talagang forever na lang akong ganito. 
           Anyway, to cut this long entry short, I would just want to share one more little thing about me. I realized that I’m also the type of person who won’t ever forget the BAD things that people do to me. So I am not so sure if forgiving without forgetting is counted as forgiving at all. Well, I already know the answer to that so why still ask? Anyhow, I am glad and relieved to finally let this one out. I needed that. Ipagdadasal ko na lang ang sarili ko at ang mga taong kasangkot dito. God bless us all! Good night!

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