Yesterday, the priest talked about the real meaning of humility in light of the Gospel reading about the Pharisee and the tax collector. He said that the difference between a humble person and someone who pretends to be one is that the former knows how to pray, and when he prays, he begs forgiveness of the Father.

You know, if you read the Gospel reading again, you’ll see that the Pharisee, though proud as he is, he was actually praying to God, but notice the difference between his prayer and that of the tax collector…

Pharisee’s prayer:
`God, I thank thee that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week, I give tithes of all that I get.’

Tax collector’s prayer:
`God, be merciful to me a sinner!’

The pharisee’s prayer wasn’t a real one. He was so proud that he was boasting of himself, not realizing that as he spoke to God, he was humiliating not the extortioners, the unjust, the adulterers nor the tax collector, but himself. He did not realize that the fact that he too was a sinner just like them, just like the rest of us and he couldn’t admit it to himself, more especially to God…and that’s the very reason why a proud person cannot really pray like that of a humble man. 

So today, as you pray before you sleep, be humble enough to admit all your wrongdoings and mistakes as I will too. There’s a reason why it is customary to kneel when praying because the very act of praying is an act of humility. No proud person prays to God and ask for forgiveness or even for help because he thinks that he can do anything without the help of the Father. Therefore, as a sinner, I kneel down and bow my head before God and ask for the very same thing that the tax collector asked from God….His mercy.

One more thing our priest told us yesterday is that in times of trouble or tragedy, the very prayer that can easily be recalled yet in the same way, redemptive is…

`God, be merciful to me a sinner!’

“every one who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted”

Classes are what?!?!??!

i was supposed to post this yesterday when i got home, unfortunately, globe boradband’s been acting up again…

Today I woke up at around 3:30, panicking because I need to be in school by 8 am for our Psychiatric Nursing enrichment classes (on our first week of sembreak, which sucks bigtime). I needed to wake up earlier because I was at home and not at my dorm (which is walking distance away from school), and rain was pouring (because signal #1 sa metro), so I presumed that it was going to be tough commuting back to school. Good thing my parents (as usual) drove us (Kat and I) to school this morning. We left at around 5:30 with German franks and Sky Flakes on hand. We had to eat on the way to school since matatraffic kami pag later than 5:30 pa kami umalis.

I got to school at around 6:10 (at ngayon ko lang narealize, woah ambilis!). Lied down for about 30 minutes (or so). Did #2 (if you know what i mean!). Then went back to lying down. At around 7:30, I decided to fix my hair and wash my face and brush my teeth (kasi kumain pa sa sasakyan) since may pasok pa rin. Quarter to 8, I was walking to school. 8:20, the proctor entered. By 9:30 ata, we had our break. Ate a hotdog and champorado. By 11 am, people were becoming restless (again), then people started making a fuss somewhere in front. SUspended na raw kasi yung class! So our president stood up and told the proctor. She asked if he could check and confeeeeerm at the office. By 12 noon, enrichment class was GONE BABY GONE!

I went home at 1pm. Slept through the whole bus ride going home. Jarred and slammed my head (potek kada gising ko feeling ko nakatingin yung katabi nung katabi ko sa bus kasi natutulog rin yung katabi ko eh) a couple of times by the bus window(!) before finally reaching ortigas extension….I’m HOME!

Busy and tiring day! Now I need to finish a LOT of stuff for our 1st thesis draft due the day after tomorrow. So there shall be no sleeping (again for me) tonight! God bless our souls!

when to say no…

             People always say that you’ll never find true friends in college. I doubted that before, but now, I’m not so sure anymore. I used to be so trusting. Whenever I meet new people, and find them amusing or too kind, I would never think twice whether to befriend them or not; but things change, even my ability to trust people around me. 

          When we had our self awareness activity before we had our duty (or in my case, after our rotation) in NCMH, I admitted to my rlemates that I have trust issues, and in connection with that, I also am very paranoid. It’s not that people don’t give me a reason to trust them, it’s just that most of the time, I find myself thinking that that “incident” (a.k.a. backstabbing) back in high school will happen again, and to think that that backstabber has been a friend of mine for years. I just want to be more careful by not trusting anyone too soon and too much. it’s not like I can’t be friends with people without having to give my full trust in them. They can’t blame me because they haven’t been through what I’ve been through and once that trust has already been broken, you cannot bring it back to the way it was before. Ika nga ng parokya ni edgar, parang tsokolate lang yan na kapag nasira at natunaw na, hindi mo na maibabalik sa dati.

             Aside from that, I also keep doubting my friends’ loyalty and genuineness towards me. There are times when I really feel that they’re really there for me, but somehow, I also feel that there are times that these people just need to use me (you know, being the one that can be taken for granted so easily) and to make fun of me. Again, they can’t blame me for these thoughts I have against them since they are the ones who give me countless reasons to doubt the friendship that we share (and this is not simply just about the jokes… i’ve long accepted reality at hindi ako ganun kababaw).

             So how is my entry title connected to all of this? Simple. Aside from being paranoid and being miss-trust-no-one, I am also the passive type of person. At kapag sinabing passive, passive talaga. At the age of 20, you’d think that I should’ve become the assertive type, or the one with a strong personality, especially when majority of the people in my class are one or two years younger than me. But sadly, I remained as passive and as shy as I have been ever since I was young. Being the paranoid person that I am, I was thinking too deeply na naman kanina. It happens all the time, especially when I am left alone to rot, like tonight. Immersed in my deep and dark thoughts, naisip ko, why do I let people bully me all the time? It’s not as if I enjoy it as much as they do. Somehow, I also get tired, even if “they” do not. Minsan pa, there are people who I don’t feel like bullying me, kasi minsan iba silang mag joke. May mga tao rin naman na natutuwa rin ako pag jinojoke ako. So I thought, why would I let them keep on bullying me kung ayaw ko na? These people weren’t even born when I was born (and this is not to be taken as a joke). Seriously though, sometimes, I just feel bad about the person I turned out to be. Minsan nakakadepress na I turned out to be other people’s laughingstock and I permit them to. Pero minsan din naman, natutuwa rin ako and I don’t deny that. Ayoko lang talagang forever na lang akong ganito. 
           Anyway, to cut this long entry short, I would just want to share one more little thing about me. I realized that I’m also the type of person who won’t ever forget the BAD things that people do to me. So I am not so sure if forgiving without forgetting is counted as forgiving at all. Well, I already know the answer to that so why still ask? Anyhow, I am glad and relieved to finally let this one out. I needed that. Ipagdadasal ko na lang ang sarili ko at ang mga taong kasangkot dito. God bless us all! Good night!

life’s a big paradox

One moment you’re happy, then all of a sudden, something comes along and bursts that small bubble of happiness. Though the perfect reason and explanation i can think of for this is the need for balance (something good is balanced by something not so good), it might not be true for God and for some people who are 100% OPTIMIST. Shempre for them, when something bad comes their way, iisipin nila na it’s probably just a way to test their faith in the Lord. Pero if you’re like me, someone who worries, panics and seems to be tired all the time, iisipin mo na it’s punishment for all the things you did or did not do. Good thing, Mara, one of my dearest college friends reminded me that God never punishes anyone. It’s just a matter of interpreting all the things, good or bad in a positive way. So it got me thinking, “oonga noh?”. One way or another, we all face our own problems everyday. Some people may seem to have none, when deep inside mas mabigat pa yung dinadala nilang problema, but they manage to remain as lighthearted, bubbly and happy even so. How on earth do they do that? SIMPLE, just have FAITH and everything will fall into place. 

It’s simple yet It’s tough, I know, another paradox right? and I know exactly how that one feels kasi I’m still there and doing my best to do just that. Everyday I try to keep a light mood and happy face ‘coz no matter what, I know my problems will never go away. Echos na lang mga probs mo to the side noh. Until that day comes when I breathe my last breath, my problems will keep on coming. So ano pa bang gagawin ko diba? Magpakasaya ka na lang. 

From this day on (kasi if not now, kelan pa?) I’ll try to be MORE positive in life. Emphasis on the word MORE, since I always say and think of myself as someone with a positive outlook in life. SO maybe I should try living up to what I believe in and what I stand up for. Kasi ayoko namang paradoxical na nga yung buhay ko, pati ba naman yung words and actions ko contradictory pa rin diba? 

Anyway, this post wasn’t supposed to end this way. It wasn’t even supposed to be about this, coz it was about something else (labo). Pero yun, I should know that life is FUN, EXCITING and CRAZY and it wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for all of these paradoxical things I complain about. So there. pointless entry na naman! 

Reminder for myself: Just be happy (like you always are). Be with funny yet good-hearted people. Lastly, just have FAITH! 

P.S. the homily today is about having FAITH. So appropriate, I love it!

Have a great MONDAY you guys! God bless you all!